My daughters needy friend is actually her "lover" just turned 14/ sleepovers have actually been something "else"

(173 Posts)
Daughterpanic Tue 26-Oct-21 08:42:47

I am in shock.

DD has a very sweet lovely but extremly needy friend due to friends family dynamics, think not with her dm etc her dm is depressed it upsets friend.
I had a lot of time for this friend shes very sweet but I have been concerned about her being needy.
I have also been worried that DD seems to be spending every waking moment with this friend talking etc and not wanting to do stuff with us.
I asked to check her phone last night on the spot and i have found out they are in a relationship, its very intense and its always the friend being dpressed or sad, or moody or angry, and my dd calming her down.

they talk about lying in each others arms all night - kissing.

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if ths was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

OP’s posts: |
Clutterbugsmum Tue 26-Oct-21 08:53:10

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if this was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

I would treat it exactly the same as if it was a boy. No sleep more overs. The age of consent is 16 years and just because they are the same sex doesn't matter it is still illegal.

Lightswitch123 Tue 26-Oct-21 08:55:02

Agreed. Sounds like she needs some distance from this person.

TotallySuper Tue 26-Oct-21 08:55:17

Sounds very toxic I would try and keep them apart even though it would mean your DD hating you for a bit. Or she might surprise you and feel relieved from dealing with this girls drama as much.

SoupDragon Tue 26-Oct-21 08:57:10

I suppose it's not quite the same as if it were a boy as there is no risk of pregnancy but I would stop the sleepovers and have a long talk with my DD about consent and their ages.

Mydogisagentleman Tue 26-Oct-21 08:58:25

Agree with PP.
Our now 20 year old DD is bisexual.
One of her first girlfriends was a liability. Contestant text, phone calls both on her mobile and house phone. In the end it was causing DD to lose sleep.
We refused to drive her over to see her, there is abysmal public transport here and the GF lived 30 miles away.
DD has recently conceded that she did feel relieved.

SmileyClare Tue 26-Oct-21 09:02:29

It sounds quite innocent; cuddling and kissing. I expect this friend is desperate for some affection and attention so it may not be a sexual relationship in that sense.

However, your daughter does not have the emotional maturity to be the only support for her friend. I would contact the school and make them aware of this girl's issues at home so she can receive the pastoral care and support she needs.

Banning sleep overs will not stop this girl leaning far too heavily on your daughter as her emotional prop, via social media, phone calls and so on. I think that is the bigger concern than a bit of cuddling at night.

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SavoyCabbage Tue 26-Oct-21 09:07:14

It doesn't sound innocent to me. It sounds intense and pressuring.

Start filling your DD's life with other things. Trips to art galleries, other cities, exciting hobbies like climbing walls, roller Derby etc.

Does she know you have uncovered the fact they are in a relationship? One way or another you need to talk to her about that side of things too. She needs to hear that you are there for her and on her side etc.

Clymene Tue 26-Oct-21 09:10:47

SmileyClare

It sounds quite innocent; cuddling and kissing. I expect this friend is desperate for some affection and attention so it may not be a sexual relationship in that sense.

However, your daughter does not have the emotional maturity to be the only support for her friend. I would contact the school and make them aware of this girl's issues at home so she can receive the pastoral care and support she needs.

Banning sleep overs will not stop this girl leaning far too heavily on your daughter as her emotional prop, via social media, phone calls and so on. I think that is the bigger concern than a bit of cuddling at night.


They are 14 and in a sexual relationship. Sleepovers are inappropriate

SmileyClare Tue 26-Oct-21 09:23:20

I think my post is being misinterpreted.
My point was, the way this girl is relying solely on Op's dd for all her emotional needs, the fact that she is so insecure and needy is a huge strain on her dd, it's actually emotionally exhausting and can tip over into manipulation.

She might feel she cannot pull away (split up) with her because she's responsible for her friend's moods. Adults need to step in here from this angle.
Having a knee jerk reaction about a teen trying out some lesbian kissing and cuddling will just be seen by these girls as bigoted and homophobic, even though it is not, so you'll hit a brick wall using that approach.

My experience of teen girls in secondary school is that having a best friend that you call your girlfriend is very popular. It's positively trendy to label yourself as bi sexual, lesbian, trans, pan sexual etc even though most of these girls do not understand their own sexuality or take it any further than holding hands and kissing.

The constant neediness and making your dd responsible for her moods, relying on her for emotional support is the main worrying issue.

Tilltheend99 Tue 26-Oct-21 09:23:32

Wow to the homophobic responses on here shock

You are NU to want them to not have sleepovers until age of consent and to discuss this with your daughter.

You are being unreasonable to try to separate them for being in a close relationship and both being female.

I think it’s natural to be shocked and want to get your head around it. You should talk with your daughter about the sleepovers but you should wait until you have calmed down and had a proper think before talking with her about her sexuality.

How you react to this could deeply effect your daughter for the rest of her life so take baby steps. I’m assuming you would ultimately want your daughter to be happy and to keep her in your life?

It’s also possible that this others girl has been depressed and having family problems because they are aware of her sexuality. If you see her as troubled do you really want to put your DD through similar?

Letsallscreamatthesistene Tue 26-Oct-21 09:27:30

Wow to the homophobic responses on here

Which responces? I havent read any that are homophobic.

Hboo31 Tue 26-Oct-21 09:28:29

Homophobic? Hasn't everyone just said it should be treated in the same way as a heterosexual relationship?

Palavah Tue 26-Oct-21 09:28:31

It's not at all unreasonable for you to protect your daughter by making some space and time where she doesn't have to be catering to her girlfriend's needs.

Yanbu

Wbeezer Tue 26-Oct-21 09:29:41

I fail to see any homophobia, the prevailing thought seems to be that this would not be acceptable whether the friend was a boy or a girl.

ChorizoJacketPotato Tue 26-Oct-21 09:30:21

@Letsallscreamatthesistene me either! I literally said out loud ‘what homophobic responses?! There aren’t any!’

JudgeRindersMinder Tue 26-Oct-21 09:32:04

She sounds like a manipulative nightmare. Has she started on the suicide threats yet?
You’re absolutely right to ban sleepovers and try to let your daughter have some space from her

TotallySuper Tue 26-Oct-21 09:32:05

Tilltheend99

Wow to the homophobic responses on here shock

You are NU to want them to not have sleepovers until age of consent and to discuss this with your daughter.

You are being unreasonable to try to separate them for being in a close relationship and both being female.

I think it’s natural to be shocked and want to get your head around it. You should talk with your daughter about the sleepovers but you should wait until you have calmed down and had a proper think before talking with her about her sexuality.

How you react to this could deeply effect your daughter for the rest of her life so take baby steps. I’m assuming you would ultimately want your daughter to be happy and to keep her in your life?

It’s also possible that this others girl has been depressed and having family problems because they are aware of her sexuality. If you see her as troubled do you really want to put your DD through similar?

There is literally not one homophobic comment? Care to enlighten us?

Bagelsandbrie Tue 26-Oct-21 09:34:27

No more sleepovers. Treat this exactly as you would as if it were a heterosexual relationship. Too much too young, too intense.

shouldistop Tue 26-Oct-21 09:34:32

Wow to the homophobic responses on here

Huh? confused

FatBettyintheCoop Tue 26-Oct-21 09:34:55

@Tilltheend99

Calm down. It’s not remotely homophobia. hmm

It’s clearly a post asking for advice in supporting her DD who is being used as an emotional prop for her school friend who is having a difficult home life.

A 14 yr old child is not equipped with the emotional maturity to cope with this level of neediness and it could cause her to suffer serious repercussions such as mental health issues like eating disorders etc. if she feels overwhelmingly responsible for making her friend happy.

The school need to be informed so that they can step in and provide thee appropriate support.

Grapewrath Tue 26-Oct-21 09:35:06

Regardless of gender you need to protect your dd from what sounds like a controlling and coercive relationship. No more sleepovers due to the intimate relationship. Dd will initially be angry and upset but in the longer term will recognise that she is not responsible for her gf emotional needs and will appreciate the space.
I’d also check in with school discreetly to let them know the friend is clearly having a difficult time and may be in need of Of some pastoral support

Rainallnight Tue 26-Oct-21 09:35:52

I think the issue here is less about the sex/same sex than the fact that your DD is in a relationship with someone with mental health problems and is being put in a position of being inappropriately responsible for this other person’s feelings.

On those grounds alone, you should find a way to make them cool it. Don’t make it about the lesbian stuff.

I am gay and have seen time and time again this pattern of one girl/young woman with mental health problems, and the other girl sort of losing herself trying to support the one who has problems. I’ve been there myself.

So try not to make this about the sex, though I get you’re shocked. Think of it as protecting your daughter from a relationship not ready for and that’s not good for her.

NautaOcts Tue 26-Oct-21 09:37:05

I had a similar potential issue and found it quite tricky! Suspected 13yo dd and her friend were more than friends, and if had been a boyfriend would not be allowing sleepovers, but knew if I took this tack with the female friend she’d just insist they are just friends!

ChorizoJacketPotato Tue 26-Oct-21 09:37:39

Interestingly my best friend is gay and has had the same issues time and time again. Always a woman with MH problems needing saving from something, tearing her MH apart in the process. Now in her 30’s, single and disillusioned. It’s been such hard work for her.

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