Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

(182 Posts)
Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 22:59:07

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
Pbbananabagel Mon 25-Oct-21 23:04:02

Are all the other siblings partners included? If they are then your DH needs to sort it out discretely and organise a redraw so you pull a name too and someone gets you.

Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 23:04:47

All except one who’s just not really into this thing at all but all the others are married

OP’s posts: |
freelions Mon 25-Oct-21 23:05:37

Is it just DH and his 3 siblings or have the siblings' other halves been included too?

I can understand why you're pissed off not to be asked if all other partners are included but if it's just the 4 siblings I would care less I think and just leave them to it

Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 23:07:14

Siblings and wives/husbands are included but not me

OP’s posts: |
LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 25-Oct-21 23:07:23

Why the fuck did he not mention your name?

I do hope you are not the one choosing and buying all his family’s presents.

ellyeth Mon 25-Oct-21 23:09:30

I would feel very hurt and I would tell my partner how I felt.


Pbbananabagel Mon 25-Oct-21 23:12:28

Yeah he’s massively dropped the ball here, you can’t be spending Xmas day there knowing this is going to make you feel like crap

Atalune Mon 25-Oct-21 23:12:46

I feel fury and sadness in equal measure.

This is a serious relationship? DP can sort this one out easy peasy.

Nothingfree Mon 25-Oct-21 23:13:20

Tell him how you feel about, you will over think otherwise, him not so much.

ballsdeep Mon 25-Oct-21 23:15:47

Why on earth didn't your dp say about you?? I'd be furious with him. Is he usually this disrespectful?

Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 23:16:20

Yeah it’s really serious, buying a house etc. It’s come really out the blue, I get on really well with his family, me and DP are fine. I never buy the presents with my money but I always have ideas and he just buys what I say and they’re always really well received. I don’t even want to be a part of it now, I feel really embarrassed. I literally don’t know why I’m not included, he seems astounded that I was upset by it and said ‘well (sisters fiance) isn’t included’ and I said that’s because he’d rather cut of his eyelids then do anything like this which he knows is true. I’ve come to bed as I just feel really upset and hurt about it, which I KNOW is silly but still. I feel like because we aren’t married I’m obviously not seen as a part of the family 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP’s posts: |
Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 23:17:27

And truly he is never like this. Never disrespects me, never makes me feel bad, is always kind and generous etc. Which is why I’m so shocked. I just can’t see why he didn’t say about me.

OP’s posts: |
Winniewonka Mon 25-Oct-21 23:20:54

YANBU - especially as it was your suggestion in the first place. Tell your Partner now how you will be feeling on Xmas Day and get him to mention it to the others involved before they start drawing out names. Bear in mind you do run the risk of one of his brothers choosing you a last night gift on Christmas Eve!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 25-Oct-21 23:22:23

Then ask him to add you to the list tomorrow.

Chloemol Mon 25-Oct-21 23:25:07

Just tell him he has to sort it, it’s unfair that the other partners are included and you are not

Also state how unfair it is to expect you to smile happily when they all open the presents and you have nothing, and that he has made you feel like he really doesn't care

If he doesn’t do anything then iwould be going to my family and leaving him to it

Szyz2020 Mon 25-Oct-21 23:26:11

Can you ask him to run you through how this works? Get him to see that asking you to spend Christmas with his family but sit by and watch everyone else get a present while you get nothing would be humiliating and awkward? I suspect he hasn’t thought through the actual practicality of what’s been put together here. Hopefully once the penny drops he will see that he’s been a thoughtless shit who needs to make things better fast.

galacticpixels Mon 25-Oct-21 23:26:41

I would feel really hurt too, he should have mentioned you.

My siblings and I just decided this week to switch to Secret Santa this year and all partners were just included automatically.

lunar1 Mon 25-Oct-21 23:29:30

Who does he think should have added you, if not him!!

EmeraldShamrock Mon 25-Oct-21 23:31:54

They should have included you.
Maybe it was an oversight but it's still hurtful.

Soupseason Mon 25-Oct-21 23:34:37

If you really want to be included then he should speak up & add your name
Personally I'd be pleased to not be included. In my experience you just end up with a crap gift that you don't want or need.

Brentmeister Mon 25-Oct-21 23:35:31

I can’t really see it being an oversight and even if it was all he had to say was ‘don’t forget brent’. But instead he hasn’t thought of me at all then himself has gotten offended when I have told him I’m pissed off and hurt. I’ve come to bed and he’s stayed downstairs, I don’t even want to go for Christmas now. My DS will be with his dad this year which is always hard plus the family news I’ve had means Christmas might be very different this year is so many sad ways and so now this really has tipped me over the edge which I know sounds pathetic

OP’s posts: |
WildImaginings Mon 25-Oct-21 23:37:34

You don't sound pathetic so stop thinking that. I would be upset too, your feelings are valid.

PersonaNonGarter Mon 25-Oct-21 23:39:39

Just a guess but - would you rather be married? And he is resisting?

Emma2021 Mon 25-Oct-21 23:39:40

You are right to feel left out and I blame one fool ie your partner for not speaking up for you.

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