Suddenly excluded from friendship group

(282 Posts)
timelord92 Sun 24-Oct-21 10:33:09

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

OP’s posts: |
weebarra Sun 24-Oct-21 10:35:50

I think it's awkward but you clearly don't get on with her so don't need to be invited to her 30th on hen do.
You've clearly been nicer and have included her in everything which is why you feel bad. She's not very nice, just ignore her.

Canii Sun 24-Oct-21 10:36:56

Yes. Take the higher ground.

BluebellsGreenbells Sun 24-Oct-21 10:38:26

If it’s just been made obvious to you then I would bet there’s a few others this has just become apparent too.

They will begin to feel uncomfortable around Sarah and will no doubt want nothing to do with this bullying behaviour.

So what to do?, I would be sweetness and light at all times, do not give Sarah a reason to bad mouth you or cause you issues, I would on the side say to a friend in the group ‘did you enjoy Sarah’s hen/birthday?’ And see if there’s a natural reason to say you weren’t invited.

SilverTotoro Sun 24-Oct-21 10:40:01

I can see why you’d be a bit upset about this and I’d feel the same - but as you don’t like Sarah (and it seems the feeling may be mutual) Id let it go especially as these are events very specific to them - a big birthday and a wedding, not a general meet up for dinner. Definitely still go to events others are organising though and I’d continue to invite them to events (but perhaps not birthday or specific family events). Don’t let one couple get in the way of all your other good friendships smile

CyclingIsNotOuting Sun 24-Oct-21 10:40:44

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not
I wouldn’t personally. They excluded you both from her birthday, her hen and essentially the stag too. Plus you haven’t had an actual invite to the wedding? I think they have made their feelings clear, which is a shame.

If you want to resolve the situation you could pm Sarah but tbh that feels a bit desperate. It will probably end up fracturing the group though, as your DH is already experiencing the awkwardness with his friends re. being added to the stag WhatsApp group when he hasn’t actually been invited!

Stackycups Sun 24-Oct-21 10:41:39

It'd be a shame to stoop to their level as this won't end well. Your other friends will be notice somethings off, gossips starts, friendship group breaks or you both getting ostracised by everyone. I think your only option is to find humour in the situation, laugh privately at how silly and immature they are and thank your lucky stars you are nicer people. When she's rude just ignore it. Provide dead end answers that she can't interrupt with.

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Squirrelblanket Sun 24-Oct-21 10:42:33

You've said you don't get along with her so I don't know why you expect to be invited to her 30th or hen party. As long as you still get invited to the whole group events I don't see the issue. I wouldn't invite somebody that I didn't on with to my birthday party either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

viques Sun 24-Oct-21 10:48:19

I think you take as a positive the fact that you didn’t have to fork out for a birthday present for Sarah, and won’t have to give them a wedding present.
grin

I would keep in touch with the rest of the group and cultivate a poker face and change of subject when she is mentioned. If anyone asks where you were at the birthday party, hen do, wedding, say “We weren’t invited.“ and leave the conversation hanging.

ABCeasyasdohrayme Sun 24-Oct-21 10:48:21

You don't like her but your upset about jot being invited to her birthday party or hen night?

These aren't group events, these are her personal events. Why would she want someone there who doesn't like her?

It sounds like she remains civil at group events, she just draws the line at inviting you to her own things.

Its fair enough imo.

Its a bit odd to want to be invited to the birthday and hen of someone you dislike and can't get on with.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sun 24-Oct-21 10:49:33

I would be fine with this. All three of these events are personal to Sarah and her partner and so entirely up to her/him who gets invited. Why would you expect her to have someone that she doesn't get along with at her birthday/hen do? I wouldn't, if I'm celebrating something I would want to do it with my friends.

It's not as though there has been a hobby get-together that you have been excluded from.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower Sun 24-Oct-21 10:54:21

We had/have similar. With a sarah no less...

She was the primary social secretary unfortunately. We went with high ground but it just got awkward and i hated socialising with the group.
She took against me basically because i started dating my husband. She was fairly hostile from the outset despite me making friendly overtures.

We now meet up with couples in the group individually.
My DH doesn't really attend any group events anymore as they
A. enable Sarah's poor treatment of his wife B. i am now heavily pregnant and he doesnt want to give me covid.

One of his best man friends from the group had bizarre chat with him (after enjoying a premier league football game, the tickets to which were provided for free by my family) and said explained to my DH something along the lines of "people are noticing" confused intimating he should show his face more because "the group" frowned upon his absence.
These are all intelligent education people (we are talking drs, surgeons, senior lawyers, a CTO and a biochemist) who are actually afraid of Sarah to the point of doing elaborate mental gymnastics to square the circle.
Fucking bizarre.

Cantstopthewaves Sun 24-Oct-21 10:55:54

Definitely keep going to group get-togethers. Why let one couple push you out? No chance. You'd be playing into Sarah's hands!
I'd smile sweetly at group events at chat and enjoy myself like I always did.
I'd also invite everyone to any events I organised. This will really play with her mind.
She will probably hope she's excluded so she can bitch about you and try to turn the others against you so don't give her space to do so.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson Sun 24-Oct-21 10:56:03

In Sarah's situation I'd probably have invited you and your husband even if I didn't like you for the benefit of the whole group, unless there had been a specific fallout.

However it's not unreasonable to not invite people to your birthday or wedding who you don't like. I agree it would be different if they were excluding you from general get togethers.

If I was your husband I'd post in the WhatsApp group something along the lines of "thanks for the add, but I've not been invited to the stag do so I'm going to leave you to it. Hope you all have a great time" and then leave. So highlight this without being rude. Because if someone is going to exclude you from an established group they need to be prepared to be called out on it, and the WhatsApp group makes this easy for him to do this.

Harder for you to do but as others have suggested I'd do this by asking people you're close to if they had a good time at the party /hen and see where the conversation takes you.

timelord92 Sun 24-Oct-21 10:56:04

To those satin fits odd to want to be included as they are personal to them. We have always been invited. For daves 30th meal which Sarah organised everyone had a great time and Sarah actually sat next to me. We were always invited but recently something has changed.

OP’s posts: |
SoniaFouler Sun 24-Oct-21 10:56:15

Why would Sarah invite you to her milestone birthday when you’ve said here that you don’t like or get on with her? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t invite someone to my birthday celebrations who I didn’t like, shared social activity or not.

SoniaFouler Sun 24-Oct-21 10:58:27

timelord92

To those satin fits odd to want to be included as they are personal to them. We have always been invited. For daves 30th meal which Sarah organised everyone had a great time and Sarah actually sat next to me. We were always invited but recently something has changed.

But that’s because Dave and your husband get on well enough that your husband was invited to his Stag - albeit late - so it makes sense that he, and by extension, you, were invited to his birthday. This is Sarah’s birthday and you don’t like her so she didn’t invite you, and by extension, your husband.

Viviennemary Sun 24-Oct-21 11:01:19

Why would you be invited to somebodys birthday party when you say yourself you can't get along with her. She probably gets the vibe you don't like her much. If you like going to the group meet ups then go.

timelord92 Sun 24-Oct-21 11:03:15

I've also been invited to Sarah's birthday meals in the past and enjoyed it. It's just always been a bit awkward between the two of us.

OP’s posts: |
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor Sun 24-Oct-21 11:06:32

Just take the high road. Other people will think she’s a dick after this. If you go to her level then it’s tit for tat and you’ll look just as bad.

SoniaFouler Sun 24-Oct-21 11:08:28

timelord92

I've also been invited to Sarah's birthday meals in the past and enjoyed it. It's just always been a bit awkward between the two of us.

Perhaps she thought “not this year, not on my 30th”.

SoniaFouler Sun 24-Oct-21 11:09:15

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

Just take the high road. Other people will think she’s a dick after this. If you go to her level then it’s tit for tat and you’ll look just as bad.

A dick for what? Not including someone that doesn’t like her in her birthday plans?

timelord92 Sun 24-Oct-21 11:13:51

SoniaFouler

Why would Sarah invite you to her milestone birthday when you’ve said here that you don’t like or get on with her? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t invite someone to my birthday celebrations who I didn’t like, shared social activity or not.

I still invite them to stuff even tho I don't like her as it effects everyone else in the group.

OP’s posts: |
Notaroadrunner Sun 24-Oct-21 11:15:49

If you were organising a Christmas meal out, for example, then you should invite sarah and her partner. However if you were having a meal for your birthday I wouldn't invite them. They have made it clear that you and your partner don't mean much to them. Maybe they know you don't like her and the feeling is probably mutual. So while I would still socialise with them as part of the group, I wouldn't bother inviting them to my personal events.

ItsAllMumboJumbo Sun 24-Oct-21 11:17:09

I think it's rude of them. Yes of course it's a personal event but I think if you are part of a friendship group you should, out of politeness, invite everyone
It shows a lack of manners IMO

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