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AIBU?

Friend's husband always tags along

339 replies

Seaswimmer123 · 22/10/2021 10:43

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Report

hotmeatymilk · 22/10/2021 10:45

What’s he like? This rang a Spidey-sense alarm bell for me that he’s controlling her and it’s not that she drags him to every activity, he insists on coming along.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2021 10:45

He seems a bit controlling
ask her to do something just the two of you and see if that works

Cuppaand2biscuits · 22/10/2021 10:47

In my experience it sounds like he is very controlling. Where I've known friends who have husbands who need to be involved in every element of their lives its never ended well.
It's not a sign of a healthy relationship. I don't think there's anything you can do to change it now, you'll just need to wait for her to see the truth for herself.

Immunetypegoblin · 22/10/2021 10:47

I think I'd tell her that I would prefer to catch up 1:1 and see what she says.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/10/2021 10:49

I'd be very direct with her and tell her that you want to catch up with just her, 1 on 1, no husbands allowed.

If she won't do this, then either he is being very controlling and won't let her, or she is very dependent on him and can't be without him. Either way, she probably needs some help.

Crunchingleaf · 22/10/2021 10:58

Your right OP it is odd. It’s not a healthy sign of a relationship. He is either extremely controlling or there is a co-dependency problem. Has she changed in other ways since she got married. Has she stopped seeing family or is seeing them less? Has she drifted away from other friends etc. That would point to it being him controlling her.

Seaswimmer123 · 22/10/2021 10:58

Thanks for those replies, I have suggested meeting up just the two of us, but she never agrees to it, he always comes along. I do think he might be a bit controlling as the last time I was in their house her phone was on the counter and when a message pinged, he picked it up and asked her to read the message in front of him. I do get on with him, but I sometimes feel he could be a different person when I'm not there.

OP posts:

Seaswimmer123 · 22/10/2021 11:05

She hasn't lost touch with family, but she has lost other friends and I don't think he has any friends if his own. I've also noticed that they never have differing opinions on anything even down to what films they've liked or didnt like etc, it's almost like she doesn't have any opinions of her own anymore. I'm thinking that it could be a combination of his being controlling and her being very dependent on him. It's a pity as she used to be great fun, they both did, now when I leave after spending time with them I'm kind of relieved and it feels a bit stepford wifey.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 22/10/2021 11:06

Oh god, I hate this kind of thing. I have a friend who does this... they'll be 5/6 women on a night out and her husband! He's not controlling...they both actively want to do everything together. Yanbu though...it totally changes the dynamic

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/10/2021 11:07

He sounds extremely controlling. As annoying as it is, I'd continue to see your friend so that she knows you're always there for her and she isn't alone (even though it means you'll have to suffer him being there too).

ApolloandDaphne · 22/10/2021 11:16

He is either very needy or very controlling. Could you suggest a spa weekend for the two of you and see what she says?

TulipCat · 22/10/2021 11:18

This is definitely odd OP. All the husbands I know would actively prefer not to come along if the activity is not of interest to them. Could you suggest something in a female only space, like a women's spa?

Howshouldibehave · 22/10/2021 11:19

She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out

I would have told her that we should just go out the two of us, if he’s got nobody to talk to and see what she said.

This would have pissed me off long ago though, tbh!

tttigress · 22/10/2021 11:19

Sounds a bit wierd, normally men are quite happy to have a bit of free time, you would think he would be happy to get some time to himself!

Luckytattie · 22/10/2021 11:21

Something doesn't sound right about this.
From what you've said he does sound very controlling.
Could you call her when you know he won't be around (if he's at work for example) and ask her about it?

Pottedpalm · 22/10/2021 11:21

How old are they? Newly weds or retirees seems to be when this behaviour becomes a problem. I arrange days out with one friend because if I go to hers her DH will come and sit with us for the afternoon. I don’t particularly like him. If she comes to mine DH will say hello and have a few mins chat then go and do his own thing. Could you book something for the two of you?

Rubyupbeat · 22/10/2021 11:22

It's not always a controlling situation, my friends husband is a real Mummys boy, I've known them 35 years and he treats my friend as a second mama, she loves it, but he tags along when he can. Joins in conversations. They are lovely but hard work, so don't see them as much as we I would in 'normal' circumstances.

Mamamamasaurus · 22/10/2021 11:23

@Seaswimmer123

She hasn't lost touch with family, but she has lost other friends and I don't think he has any friends if his own. I've also noticed that they never have differing opinions on anything even down to what films they've liked or didnt like etc, it's almost like she doesn't have any opinions of her own anymore. I'm thinking that it could be a combination of his being controlling and her being very dependent on him. It's a pity as she used to be great fun, they both did, now when I leave after spending time with them I'm kind of relieved and it feels a bit stepford wifey.

I was on the fence until this update. He's controlling IMO.

Seaswimmer123 · 22/10/2021 11:23

This has given me a giggle, I think he'd probably come along, I can picture him in a bathrobe with a face pack. I'm afraid there's no way she'd go for it in her own, I've given up suggesting such activities

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/10/2021 11:24

Asking her to read her phone message in front of him is very controlling. There is more than meets the eye in their relationship.

Luckytattie · 22/10/2021 11:27

Well so it depends if you want to carry on the friendship

If it's bothering you I would spell it out. Ask WHY he has to come to everything.

Or let the friendship go :(

TableFlowerss · 22/10/2021 11:28

What an an absolute weirdo he sounds. I imagine most men would find this scenario a nightmare and would be happy to not go.

Could be a red flag for controlling behaviour

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Luckytattie · 22/10/2021 11:28

@fantasmasgoria1

Asking her to read her phone message in front of him is very controlling. There is more than meets the eye in their relationship.

And more so that he did it Infront of OP!

Seaswimmer123 · 22/10/2021 11:28

No newly weds, middle aged, it's been getting worse over the past year or two to the point where on my last few visits he's been with us literally every minute, it's putting me off visiting, but I really don't want to end my friendship as I've known her for so long.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 22/10/2021 11:29

I had a friend like this. He wasnt controlling or anything. In fact he is a nice bloke. It was ( now estranged) friend inviting him everywhere.

I invited her to my house for lunch and she turned up with him which was unexpected. (after I had kicked DH and son out for the afternoon so I could have a catch up with her!🤣)
I made a group invite to 11 of my female friends for a curry night and she replied early on saying they would both love to come. Once my other friends replied she realised it was all women going she cancelled. At first I thought it may have been controlling but when he is out with his mates she is the only wife/ gf there- every single time.
I don't know if they are co dependent on each other or cant bear to be out of each others sight but at 56 years old I would have thought they would be passed the infatuation stage by now.🤣
Anyway it got wearing with him being there all the time and my other female didnt like it either so the friendship drifted.

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