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To ask how to handle this one, I’m really hurt(119 Posts)
So, friend asked me to be her birth partner. Obviously said yes, but always said that if she didn't want me there that I understood. Last I heard from my friend she was getting niggles and was going to try and rest. I text her this morning just to see how she was, and didn't hear anything and really didn't think anything of it.
Then coming out of the gym, I get a message from her partner saying they'd had the baby. Then a follow up message saying sorry we didn't message, and that it got hectic, then asking for more advice.
Ultimately, whatever and whoever someone wants at their birth is up to them, and absolutely free to change their mind at any point. That's really not the issue here.
I'm just so so hurt, upset and honestly just gutted. (I realise this is my emotional issue to deal with) .
What do I do? Its made me feel like I'm not worth anything but for the experience I have.
I've obviously not said anything, as obviously not appropriate. But how do I resolve this in any sensible way to give myself peace. I just keep getting upset about it all.
post edited by MNHQ at OP's request.
Well you know how these things can go. Maybe it was a really quick birth and they only just got to the hospital in time.
Honestly I don’t think this has anything to do with you. I’m assuming it was their first born? Early hours birth, confusion, fear? Surely you can be understanding of whatever situation they were in and find some joy for them? You come across as selfish whether or not it’s intended.
Perhaps you were their security blanket and actually things went well enough they were happy it was just the two of them?
Offer the advice you'd normally give to any friend.
You told her you would understand if she didn't want you there, so she took you at your word!
Maybe when it came to it she just wanted her partner with her.
Does the DP know that she had asked you? Maybe he doesn't. Probably it all kicked off and she didn't get much time to think about plans but just went with the flow. I doubt she has meant to hurt you or take you for granted.
Come on. Give yourself a shake. You know childbirth rarely meets expectations and that everything is up in the air with a day old baby. It's not that you're only useful for advice is that you're a trusted friend who has already expressed willingness to help!
I get it's disappointing, I'd be gutted tbh, but you need to put your feelings away and not take it personally.
It could have been much quicker than anticipated, she may have changed her mind about it all once she was in Labour , as a midwife you must realise any plans made before birth are most definitely subject to change.
I don't quite understand when you say "that's really not the issue here"? What is the issue then? Sorry not trying to be sarcastic.
As a midwife, you'll surely know that events sometimes overtake plans. They may have gone to the hospital to get checked and then stuff moved quickly from there and there wasn't an opportunity or chance to follow 'the plan'. I don't think it's about you at all!
Surely as a mw you can think of 100 situations that may have unfolded and caused them not to call you??
It does sound very much as though you were a security blanket that they were confident that they could rely on if needed. And that's a massive honour and accolade. In the event, whatever happened happened (and that could be any number of things) and they either felt that they could cope without you or had to cope without you. Well done them. And now they've returned to you, their safe and trusted harbour, for advice with the most precious thing in their lives.
Be generous, be empathic, and don't make this all about you.
I think that, sometimes, the process of birth goes in unexpected ways. My original plan was to have my mum there. I knew that my husband was not good with pain or blood and tended to panic. I thought I needed my mum's calm and sensible ways. However, when it came down to it, I only wanted my husband. Somehow, we were in this together, and he was brilliant. Having another person there would have felt like an intrusion, even though it was something I thought I wanted. (And this was a good thing, as my baby was early so my mum hadn't yet flown in. But even if it had been possible, it wasn't what I would have wanted).
I understand you are hurt. You had hoped to be part of something so special. But try and let it go, knowing that birth does unexpected things to our brains.
Hugs to you.
My second labour went from having plenty of time to having no time at all in about 10 minutes. It was quite scary at the time and we barely made it to the hospital. My mum knew because we’d called her to have DD2 but no one else even knew because there wasn’t time.
Any chance this is what happened and she didn’t think you would mind as you’d said you’d be ok if she changed her mind?
It is the point that you are contradicting yourself but seeming to feel justified in being hurt and upset by it.
You need to tell yourself to let it go and be a good, supportive friend. This isn’t about you.
Think people are being a bit harsh here saying that you are being selfish...
Of course it hurts, you were supposed to be part of this special time for your friend and didn't anticipate that she wouldn't call on you for whatever reason. I guess she may have changed her mind as things progressed and not had the guts to talk to you about it?
For what it is worth you may have been rejected during the birth, but as a new mum she is going to need you and your skills as a midwife just as much. I remember how vulnerable and anxious I was for the first few days with a newborn and was soooo grateful of professional support. I think if I had a friend as a midwife I would have moved her in! She will probably really need you right now.
Look I absolutely get all of what you’re saying, if she changed her mind then that’s fair enough. I accept that. But we can all accept something rationally, but emotionally still be irrational can’t we.
salsa I don’t think I’m being selfish, I just want some help as I’m upset and would like to not be.
Yeah the DP knew she’d asked me.
Look, I’m really not trying to be a drama lama (honestly this isn’t my personality type). I just want some help to navigate this, if anyone has any practical tips. I really don’t like feeling like this, I don’t really get why it’s got to me this much.
The baby came early. Maybe the situation overtook them.
I don’t really understand your hurt. You did mention that you wouldn’t be offended if someone else was there, and that’s what happened, and now you’re offended?! And the birth partner was the baby’s father, not some random friend.
Also, you’re a midwife, so you’re bound to be the friend they ask for advice.
Maybe that’s what you need to think about, why it has got to you this much. You’re still being a help and giving advice. She may not have even changed her mind.
Is it to do with your own feelings about having children? Is it about the pride and excitement of being the best person to help and having such an important role being taken away?
It may well be that she realised she wanted her partner there. I couldn't imagine giving birth to my DD without my husband there, and she might not have realised how strongly she felt that way until things kicked off. Presumably with Covid, only one of you could have been there?
It sounds like you’d prepared yourself to be there for them and it was like an anticlimax when you found out the baby was already here. I can see why that would cause an uncomfortable mix of emotions.
You are happy for them, you gave them an out of they needed it, but they didn’t take it until the actual birth (which the reasonable side of you can understand) but the emotional side of you still hurts from. You are human.
Now they are asking for your ‘advice’ it feels to you like they are rubbing salt in the wound. They might actually be trying to make you feel involved and valued but that is not how it feels.
Give yourself time to get your head around the sudden change of plan and be gentle on yourself for your feelings. It is ok to feel unsettled.
The issue is that the OP thought she was being asked to be birth partner as a friend, albeit one who is a midwife. But then they didn't need her and now all she is hearing from them is questions calling on her professional knowledge, which is making her feel that all she is to them is an unpaid doula.
She'll need you in two weeks from now when she still sore, with a sleepless baby who isn't feeding properly. Be a great friend then when she really needs you. Birth is the easy bit xx
No, no, no. She would have always had her partner there. They can have two birth partners where I am currently. Gosh I’m not that self important, I’d never think to replace her partner at all!!
No, I’ve had my children, I’m done with all of that and I’m happy with the experiences I’ve had.
I dunno, the message I got was really blunt. I wasn’t expecting it, and it just got to me. Perhaps I feel a bit rejected, I don’t know. I literally don’t know.