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AIBU?

To think there's a difference between being nosey and being inquisitive?

111 replies

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:30

Tonight my daughters dad phoned her whilst we were driving. A girl in my daughters class works for my ex so my daughter said that she seen him at school pick up this afternoon. My ex replied saying, 'yeah well it is usually him that collects his DD'. At that point I said, 'yeah I've noticed that, what does her mum do for work?' Ex replied 'I don't know, your mums awful nosey isn't she DD?'

Now I do ask people questions, 'did you have a nice break?' 'What do you do for work?' 'Do you enjoy it?' 'How old are your kids etc'. I like to show an interest because...well I'm interested.

I will ask questions about people, for instance DD is going to a wedding in December with ex and so the guy who is getting married I knew through ex so I asked, 'how is M doing these days?' 'Where is he working?' 'How long have they been together?' 'Where are they getting married?'

This obviously strikes my ex as me being nosey, however, I'm not asking these questions with any malicious intent or to spread information about. I'm not asking how much they earn or about there sex life.

It offended me that ex called me nosey in front of DD. I would say my personality is more inquisitive. When I said this to ex he said there's no such thing.

AIBU thinking that asking this question does not make me Nosey?

OP posts:

Report

KrisAkabusi · 19/10/2021 19:34

It does sound like you ask an awful lot of questions. That can definitely come across as nosey.

DreamerSeven · 19/10/2021 19:36

If you asked 4 questions in relation to the wedding example you’ve given then I can see how that would come across as nosey to be honest, why did you need to know all that?

IWouldLikeToKnow · 19/10/2021 19:37

My mother in law is like this. Always asking questions. She swears that she's not nosey, that she's just interested, but it really comes across to me like she is. Drives me mad.

Stoppochoco · 19/10/2021 19:40

Asking people what they do for a living, is a way of sniffing out income and social status. Why do you need to know that ?

DeepaBeesKit · 19/10/2021 19:41

I think people fall into buckets OP.

I'm like you..I'm kind of a talker etc, and genuinely enjoy hearing about someone's holiday or new grandchild so tend to ask questions.

However I've realised as I've got older that you can tell from the answer to question 1 whether someone is ok with this or not, and rein it in a bit for the people who clearly aren't keen

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 19/10/2021 19:42

Ooo tricky, I think if you're asking the person themselves it's inquisitive. If you're asking other people I think then it can be nosey!

BurntO · 19/10/2021 19:44

If you are having a conversation with someone about their lives it’s fine. Since you were asking through someone else it was nosey.

WimpoleHat · 19/10/2021 19:45

@Stoppochoco

Asking people what they do for a living, is a way of sniffing out income and social status. Why do you need to know that ?

This is very true. Asking questions about someone you don’t know and who means nothing to you is a bit nosey, I’m afraid. If you met the woman and she got talking about her job, then asking more about it would indicate a genuine interest (eg “oh - you’re a doctor. Fantastic. What area of medicine do you practise?”) but “what does that woman (whom I don’t know at all) do?” isn’t really any of your business.

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:46

So if I don't keep in touch with the person I'm asking about it's not okay to ask 'how is so and so doing?' 'Have they had their baby?' Etc that's nosey?

OP posts:

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:46

What if I'm asking someone about their partner or parent?

OP posts:

TracyLords · 19/10/2021 19:48

Yes! You’re nosey!! A right wee Isa

My mum is the same. As am I

TooBigForMyBoots · 19/10/2021 19:48

My mother is nosey.
Her best friend is inquisitive.

I think the difference is intent.🤔

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:48

@WimpoleHat well I do know her, her daughter has had play dates in the past with my daughter. The only reason I asked is because she never does school drop off or pick ups so I just asked if that was due to work.

OP posts:

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 19/10/2021 19:48

@winningforhim

So if I don't keep in touch with the person I'm asking about it's not okay to ask 'how is so and so doing?' 'Have they had their baby?' Etc that's nosey?

I think it could be, because in my mind surely you'd be keeping in touch with this person if you were interested in their lives e.g having a baby? If you don't know them well enough / keep in touch with them, then I think it perhaps is nosey! But if you kept in touch and messaged them to ask, I'd consider that inquisitive I think 🤔

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:49

@HoHoHoHoHoHoHo okay thanks I just wanted to clarify

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 19/10/2021 19:49

@winningforhim

So if I don't keep in touch with the person I'm asking about it's not okay to ask 'how is so and so doing?' 'Have they had their baby?' Etc that's nosey?

I think that’s different. Because you know (or know of) that person well enough to know that they’re pregnant. So to ask if they’ve had their baby is showing a genuine interest. (As opposed to, say, asking if a stranger has kids, which would be nosey.) My opinion, anyway!

DeepaBeesKit · 19/10/2021 19:50

Stoppochoc because it's also what most people spend 40 hours a week doing, for many people it's something they are proud of or enjoy or have a bit of an academic interest in. And it's a conversation starter, I once asked one of DH relatives this and it turned out she had a fascinating role which was related to my area of work, we had a lovely chat....

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 19:51

OP you are coming across as nosey because you are asking for a lot of information.
Not elaboration as to people's thoughts, feelings and opinions but details. My mother does the same thing - asks me about a friend, whether they are single, what their job is etc. It's like she's filling out a census form.

With some people this is the only way to keep up a conversation - and they like it. Others don't.

There are ways to weave questions into conversation so that it doesn't feel like an interrogation.

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 19/10/2021 19:53

@winningforhim

You can tell I've thought about this 😂 I'm naturally a terribly nosy person, and try my hardest not to be because I know it can be annoying! I tend to rule it by if I am asking the person directly (but not too personal) it's okay, I try not to ask third parties (don't want people saying oh hohoho was asking about you and being terribly nosy 😂).

If it helps - someone at my parents work was asking about my DP and myself recently, how we were, wedding plans etc. She has never met me, and not seen my DP for years! To me that's nosy as she was asking a third party and didn't know us well enough to ask.

Who knows though - I love to overthink 😂

Stoppochoco · 19/10/2021 20:02

@DeepaBeesKit

Stoppochoc because it's also what most people spend 40 hours a week doing, for many people it's something they are proud of or enjoy or have a bit of an academic interest in. And it's a conversation starter, I once asked one of DH relatives this and it turned out she had a fascinating role which was related to my area of work, we had a lovely chat....

Its a rubbish and intrusive question to ask, especially in todays climate with high unemployment. Asking how someone is will suffice, if they are super proud of their job and achievements, I'm sure they will fill you in on the details, without you needing to specifically ask.
IME the question is largely used to size up someone's social standing, not to enquire into their well being and how they occupy their time.

sammylady37 · 19/10/2021 20:10

I’m a very private and reserved person. I don’t particularly have anything to hide but that’s not the point, I just don’t want people knowing much about me. I would hate to think someone was quizzing people about my life like you’re doing. It’s none of your business. Nothing to do with you whatsoever. Back off!

Palavah · 19/10/2021 20:15

Asking what her mum did for a living was pretty nosey.

The othet questions could have been interested or nosey depending on how well you know the people/ what response you had to the early questions

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winningforhim · 19/10/2021 20:19

@sammylady37

I’m a very private and reserved person. I don’t particularly have anything to hide but that’s not the point, I just don’t want people knowing much about me. I would hate to think someone was quizzing people about my life like you’re doing. It’s none of your business. Nothing to do with you whatsoever. Back off!

Oh dear, you sound awfully angry. Are you okay?

OP posts:

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 20:20

I think it's pretty nosey asking what someone else does for a living through a third party.

It's fine asking how they are in general.

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 20:23

@sammylady37 I'm the same as you. Unless I'm personally having a conversation with someone in which I can choose what to tell them, I'd be annoyed by people asking this kind of thing through the grapevine.

I didn't think you sounded angry.

Do you come from a small town op where everyone likes to know other peoples business?

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