Ran over 2 ducks and finding the guilt unbearable

[JCFJW]

I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.

Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.

I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.

For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.

Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.

DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.

[somuchcoffeeneeded]

I liked a rabbit once and it still haunts me a little but like you there isn’t anything I could have done. Be kind to yourself.

[somuchcoffeeneeded]

Killed not liked.

[Brollywasntneededafterall]

Ah sorry that happened.. My dd hit a rabbit one Xmas morning.. Ruined her day tbh... The non joys of driving sadly op..
Luckily your dc is OK.
Don't be too hard on yourself..

[SylvanianFrenemies]

That sounds so upsetting, no wonder you are not yourself.

It could happen to anyone.

I wouldn't think they have ducklings at this time of year. Unfortunately these things do happen, it doesn't sound as though they suffered.

Don't be hard on yourself.

[SoniaFouler]

Look, this is unnerving. You must feel shaken up. But it’s NOT your fault. If you had deliberately drove into the ducks whilst laughing about it, then yes, perhaps you might be unreasonable, but that didn’t happen.

[OverByYer]

It’s awful but what if you’d have swerved into the oncoming car. You could have been killed the people in the other car could have been killed.
I once had a barn owl fly into my car window when I was driving once. It broke its neck on impact. It was terrifying and so sad to see such a beautiful creature dead. You’ll get over it and I mean that in a nice way.

[purpleme12]

Oh gosh this sounds really hard
I can completely understand why you feel so bad
But you didn't intend to do it
You could give a donation to a duck rescue or RSPCA near you in their name?
I know there's a Swan Rescue near me.
Just a thought

[Isabellabasil]

OP last year, as a new driver, I ran over a tiny tiny duckling on a country road - I'd avoided the mother but not seen the baby. I drove back to check and the mother was standing there quacking over its squashed baby. I cried for a week!

It happens unfortunately and it really isn't your fault. Time will heal you x

[LittleStar22]

That sounds awful but please don’t be so hard on yourself.
A similar thing happened to me years ago.. driving on an A road and a pheasant jumped out in front of my car. I couldn’t swerve as there was a HGV coming towards me on the opposite side. It was awful and has always stuck with me.

[Coronado2]

I would be exactly the same as you if I'd hit something with my car. I don't think your DH has helped the situation much to be honest. Shouting in that situation probably didn't help.

If I were you I would try and get out in the car again as soon as possible before you build it up into too big a thing in your mind. It could happen to anyone, you didn't mean to do it, swerving to avoid something in the road is a natural instinct as well.

[billycorn]

Look at this in a positive light op. You are obviously kind hearted, empathetic and have a conscious. Accidents happen, I’m an animal lover too and I would’ve been very upset by this. But in the end, you’re all safe and accidents do happen. You didn’t run over a human, try to look at the positives and not ‘the what if’s’ and start working on why you feel such self hatred. This isn’t about the incident, it goes deeper than that, that’s the key.

[HollaHolla]

I grew up learning to drive in the country. I always remember my Papa (grandad) saying to me that you should never risk a worse accident for an animal. So, rabbits, ducks, hedgehogs, birds, etc are horrible to hit, but if the other option is a terrible accident, then you hit them. It would be worse to swerve or go off the road.
Obviously a deer/sheep/cow is different.
It’s horrible, but it’s sadly part of being a driver….. take care.

[HerbErtlinger]

It's horrible but it does happen. There was a story a few years back in the news about a woman who stopped to let some ducks cross and a car slammed into the back of her and the driver died on impact, the woman who stopped got a prison sentence because the law is to continue. It really stayed with me and I do sometimes think about it and how hard it would be to continue through crossing animals especially babies but having the death of another driver on my conscience would be far worse

[Lockheart]

To be blunt, you'd be feeling much more than guilt if you'd gone into the other car - if you and your family were still around to feel anything at all, that is. Better the ducks than you or your baby.

If you're feeling nervous about driving, perhaps a few refresher lessons might help? You should definitely get back in the car and keep driving however, the longer you leave it the more you will build it up in your head.

Are you currently receiving any help with your depression?

[AlCalavicci]

You poor thing , it must of been such a huge shock.
It is totally understandable for you to feel upset and sad about the loss of any life but there was nothing you could do about it and thanks to your DH nobody was hurt .
It will take you a while to get over it but you will do in time .
Dont give up driving , go out with your DH ( leave DC with someone if you can ) and drive around on roads you know well to start with . then when you are a bit more comfortable go back down the same road , go back and forth on it until you feel comfortable driving safely.

If you are still unsure could you book a few refresher lessons ?

And to ease your guilty feels ( not that you should have any ) can you donate some time or money to a duck / bird sanctuary .

Although your DHs joke was not great , dont go to hard on him , he was just trying to cheer you you a bit , it probably really scared him too so he is just trying to find a way to break the tension

[Funnyname00]

Please give yourself a break. There was nothing you could do. I understand why you are shaken up but please be kind to yourself

[5foot5]

That sounds like a really horrible experience and it is understandable that you were upset. However, it was not your fault.

Please, please do not let this pit you off driving. It could happen to anyone but it might never happen to you again.

[DisappearingGirl]

Ah bless you OP. I have been driving for 26 years but I'm a complete softie and that would have really upset me too. It wasn't your fault in the slightest! Just one of those things.

Animals do die, from all sorts of causes, and it sounds like their death was probably quick and they wouldn't have suffered too much. And they probably did make a meal for another hungry animal such as a fox trying to get enough food before winter, as is the natural way of things.

I would allow yourself to be sad but tell yourself life and death is just part of nature and it's just one of those things and not your fault. Don't let it stop you from driving. You were just unlucky

[Frazzled2207]

It sounds very upsetting. I grew up rurally and my mother always tells me about the time she was in the car with her driving instructor and swerved to avoid a fox and the instructor shouted at her and said she should never ever swerve to avoid an animal.
Fwiw I probably would have swerved as well, but the end result for the ducks would have been the same. You need to prioritise the safety of those in the car, and in any oncoming vehicles.
But all that doesn’t make it any less upsetting. Your dp’s joke was very distasteful.

[LouMoo13]

I know it won't make you feel that much better but ducklings will have left their mum by this time of the year so don't add that to your worries.

I'd feel the same as you and I know I'd keep replaying it in my brain. Try if you can to come up with something to distract your brain if you start thinking about it again.

[AlphaBravoCharlieDeltaEchOFoxt]

Just coming on to say donate or sponsor an animal in their honour. It won't change what happened but it's a really good comeback for when your conscience wants to kick you in the teeth about it at 3am. I accidentally killed a rabbit and contacted my local animal rescue centre and asked what they charged to re-home them and paid them a donation. It does make you feel less awful. It's a horrible feeling but it does ease with time. And yes, it could have and does happen to anyone. Best of luck OP

[CafeCremeMerci]

(((big hugs)))

Many years ago, my then partner & I were in a car accident because of ducks on the road. I started typing out what happened but it was getting too long.

Fortunately all the humans involved survived with minor injuries, both cars were written off and sadly a lot of ducks lost their lives.

The people who owned the farmhouse came out to help us while waiting for the emergency services (that they'd called). They said it happens every year, usually several times because of the two lakes, the ducks walk across the road every night.

They'd asked about getting a sign put up 'Ducks Crossing' but they were told it wouldn't help as people would just ignore it & wouldn't expect them to be crossing at night even if they did note the sign.

It turned out to be friends of ours in the other car, which was a bit surreal.

Emergency services said if our car hadn't been the solid old Rover it was, we'd both have died. Sobering.

It took a long time to get the picture of the ducks out of my head, but in time it does stop being so fucking awful & these days I only really think of it at times like this.

Be grateful you are all ok. Feel sad about the ducks, but don't let it stop you driving again. Take a couple of sessions with a driving instructor if you need to boost your confidence. Most of them are really understanding & will help if you explain what happened.

Look after yourself x

[SylvanasWindrunner]

The only time I've seen my husband cry in 8 years is when he hit a pheasant with his car and had to get out and kill it to end its suffering. He was a mess when he came home.

I would be very upset too, OP. Just thank goodness you and your DC were ok

[Thunderface]

Very few people know this but I killed a little dog when I was a new driver. It was also on a country road. We were passing a man who was walking his dogs on a lead and there was a little dog not on a lead running alongside barking at his dogs. I slowed down to crawling pace when I was passing them when all of a sudden the little dog darted across the road and then back under my wheel. There was literally nothing I could do. If I had time to swerve I would have risked hitting the man or his dogs.
I was distraught. The man was so kind. He knew who owned the dog and he said he'd told them multiple times that the dog was going to cause an accident running loose but they did nothing. He wouldn't tell us who owned the dog. He said he was going to deal with it and not to worry. He took my details and said he would be in touch if necessary but I heard no more.
It really shook me up but I tried not to feel guilty. It's a risk with driving.
Hope you feel better soon.

[Pebbledashery]

Not a lot upsets me on mumsnet but your post has really made me feel so unbelievably sad, you're quite clearly a very, very caring person, this was a tragic but extremely unavoidable accident. Please be kind to yourself. Take the time you need. There was nothing you could do, it's tragic but it could've been you and your child :(