SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

(525 Posts)
Bteng83 Sat 16-Oct-21 08:36:17

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP’s posts: |
Idontbelieveit14 Wed 20-Oct-21 19:58:05

My husbands vasectomy wasn’t done in a hospital it was done in a large doctor’s surgery

TractorAndHeadphones Wed 20-Oct-21 19:50:52

Zugs

*@shizen*

the most sensible option is neither.

If they want different things they should go their separate ways - not remain with abstinence and no baby.

Think about how she feels and how she is at work every day watching other peoples' babies.

But she's the one who wants the baby - so it's up to her to decide whether she wants that more than her partner. Why is it his responsbility?

TurquoiseDragon Wed 20-Oct-21 17:09:42

TheReluctantPhoenix

The OP is after relationship advice, not contraceptive advice.

I do find most of the replies really strange. They seem to, effectively, consist of believing that his wife is a liar and making sure to take responsibility for contraception; not a word about the emotional conflict that disagreeing over children brings.

To actually answer the OP, there is no easy answer and it is not an issue that you can compromise over. I think you have been fair in putting her options in black and white: you or more children.

Where you probably alienated some posters is with your feelings about where her desire for another child came from and trying to manage her work to prioritise the outcome that you wanted.

You need to respect her desire to have another baby, as she needs to respect your desire not to have one. Ultimately, you need to have an adult discussion and, unless either of you can be persuaded to change your mind, split up.

The contraceptive advice is part of the whole. If OP doesn't want a child, he needs to take responsibility and not rely on his wife's methods of birth control because quite a number of things can upset the balance and result in pregnancy.

I didn't assume or believe the wife was lying, only that her birth control failed for whatever reason, and if OP doesn't want a repeat, he needs to do something about it.

This is a sad situation, because there's no compromise possible here. The wife is the one who wants a child, so she now has to decide bettween relationship and child.

RantyAunty Wed 20-Oct-21 07:23:54

OP if you're nervous about a vasectomy, it'd be wise to make an appointment with your GP to discuss it.

They'll be able to explain what goes on and you can ask any questions you want.

TheReluctantPhoenix Wed 20-Oct-21 06:36:31

The OP is after relationship advice, not contraceptive advice.

I do find most of the replies really strange. They seem to, effectively, consist of believing that his wife is a liar and making sure to take responsibility for contraception; not a word about the emotional conflict that disagreeing over children brings.

To actually answer the OP, there is no easy answer and it is not an issue that you can compromise over. I think you have been fair in putting her options in black and white: you or more children.

Where you probably alienated some posters is with your feelings about where her desire for another child came from and trying to manage her work to prioritise the outcome that you wanted.

You need to respect her desire to have another baby, as she needs to respect your desire not to have one. Ultimately, you need to have an adult discussion and, unless either of you can be persuaded to change your mind, split up.

YouJustFoldItIn Wed 20-Oct-21 06:03:20

What’s that meant to mean?

It means exactly what is says. It's not a riddle.

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tootootaataa Tue 19-Oct-21 21:05:26

bathsh3ba

I'd say it to men or women. I follow my own advice. And I did give other options... but the fact remains sex always has the possibility of pregnancy if the woman is not either infertile or postmenopause.


Yes. And women always have to deal with the consequences of sex, physically and mentally.

Men choose their level of involvement.

bathsh3ba Tue 19-Oct-21 18:52:37

I'd say it to men or women. I follow my own advice. And I did give other options... but the fact remains sex always has the possibility of pregnancy if the woman is not either infertile or postmenopause.

Orangebonbon Tue 19-Oct-21 16:45:44

YouJustFoldItIn

Or in many Islamic cultures in 2021 for that matter.

What’s that meant to mean?

Pumperthepumper Tue 19-Oct-21 15:51:09

YouJustFoldItIn

*If you don't want kids then either*
a) stop having sex altogether

When was the last time someone said that to a woman?

Apart from pre-1960 in the Roman Catholic Church?

I linked to a thread earlier where loads of people said that to a female OP. If you go back a few pages you’ll see it.

tootootaataa Tue 19-Oct-21 14:15:43

YouJustFoldItIn

*If you don't want kids then either*
a) stop having sex altogether

When was the last time someone said that to a woman?

Apart from pre-1960 in the Roman Catholic Church?


The OP isn't a woman?

YouJustFoldItIn Tue 19-Oct-21 14:11:42

Or in many Islamic cultures in 2021 for that matter.

YouJustFoldItIn Tue 19-Oct-21 14:11:08

If you don't want kids then either
a) stop having sex altogether

When was the last time someone said that to a woman?

Apart from pre-1960 in the Roman Catholic Church?

bathsh3ba Tue 19-Oct-21 13:13:09

No method of contraception is 100% effective. I really think that the availability of contraception/abortion has given people the impression we have more control over our fertility than we actually do.

If you don't want kids then either
a) stop having sex altogether
b) get a vasectomy (even though that isn't always100% either)
c) only have sex with women who are no longer fertile
d) use multiple methods of contraception and cross your fingers

YouJustFoldItIn Tue 19-Oct-21 12:49:37

'Semi intentionally' is a bit jarring. ....If a man does not want more children, he needs to take responsibility. It's far too easy to insinuate that the women 'tricked' the man into her getting pregnant.

I agree and I said from the off that the answer is a vasectomy. Even condoms each and every time are too risky. By 'semi-intentionally' I am not suggesting that she will deliberately and consciously try to trick him, although I am firmly of the belief that many women have done just that. I suppose you will say that no man can ever be 'tricked' into pregnancy if he willingly engages in PIV sex or even non PIV sex, as he should know that with any form of BC there is always a small risk and with every ejaculation in close proximity to a fertile female there is a small risk.

I have some issues with this argument but that's for another discussion.

However, I was thinking along the lines of the OP's partner refusing to take responsibility for BC at all from now on, on the grounds that she'd welcome a pregnancy, and then there being a very obvious accident with a condom. She'd not be rushing for a MAP would she? He'd not have a leg to stand on.

Or let's say she is on the pill but for whatever reason she misses a few here and there, or it's efficacy is compromised somehow. Whether it was done intentionally or not at the time, she's not going to be making it a priority to insist that he uses a condom when they don't normally. That's not what a woman yearning for a baby after a miscarriage does. Even if she's in complete denial that she's willing it to happen, in all likelihood she will be willing it to happen. Even is she's taking her BC because it's what they agreed, she'll be may be subconsciously doing what she can to give it any chance to fail and praying that it does.

In those circumstances it would be very unfair and unrealistic for the OP to put the responsibility for BC onto her, and indeed to put his trust in her to use it diligently.

So it still comes back to him. The only way to guarantee no baby is to have the vasectomy or leave her. Though If he has a vasectomy she may well leave him anyway. I think she's more likely to do that than to leave while he's still fertile and she thinks there might still be a chance of either changing his mind, or having another accident.

NotSoNewAndShiny Tue 19-Oct-21 12:32:15

How do you know she can’t stop wanting another child? People do move on from that desire when circumstances mean that they can’t.

There is no suggestion that is the case here. If it is, separating is probably for best but posters are saying here that this relationship is already beyond hope so the op should break up with her for her benefit. Why doesn’t she get a say about her own feelings regarding another child?

I think posters are going by what the OP wrote. He's mentioned she really wants a child and he doesn't. Anything else is speculation, including saying she may move on from that desire. Only OP and his partner know if she's serious enough about wanting more children or not. So it's really up to them but the suggestions have been from what the OP posted so far.

If the OP or his partner posts and says she can do without a child, then we'll know that and suggest them staying together.

IsabelHerna Tue 19-Oct-21 12:30:48

I don't see how you can find a middle ground on this. Take some time to think about it (each one by themselves) and then have an open discussion about it.

NotSoNewAndShiny Tue 19-Oct-21 12:16:03

PurpleDaisies

*'We separated or I left or We broke up because we both wanted different things and neither of us would budge'*

That implies an actual conversation between them where they explore whether they can stay together. Plenty of posters are just telling the op to break up with her.

I don't know about others but yes a conversation and mutual agreement is what I've always proposed.

But what happens if neither would leave? It's up to them, I guess. They're adults so can face the consequence of their actions if they decide to stay. The thing is the "consequence" here will be pregnancy which the OP doesn't want. So it's back to square one.

PurpleDaisies Tue 19-Oct-21 12:15:08

he left because he couldn't give her a child and she couldn't stop wanting a child (Neither of which is wrong).

How do you know she can’t stop wanting another child? People do move on from that desire when circumstances mean that they can’t.

There is no suggestion that is the case here. If it is, separating is probably for best but posters are saying here that this relationship is already beyond hope so the op should break up with her for her benefit. Why doesn’t she get a say about her own feelings regarding another child?

tootootaataa Tue 19-Oct-21 12:13:50

YouJustFoldItIn

*Not sure why it’s down to the op to get a snip, he’s told her he doesn’t want anymore kids, she needs to accept it. If kids are that important to her she needs to find someone who wants more.*

I agree, except he'd be very foolish to stay without her without getting a vasectomy, unless he's prepared to take any further accidents on the chin and accept joint responsibilility for it. It's unfair, unrealistic and a bit stupid to expect her to take all the responsibility for BC and then not accept the outcome if she messes up - whether semi-intentionally or not.

That's why it is good to tell her he has a vasectomy planned, even if he isn't 100% sure he'll go ahead. If having a baby is more important to her regardless of who she has it with, then she will leave him if she thinks he can no longer physically give her that.

If her relationship means more to her than having another child does then she'll stay. But the only way to make her realise it's absolutely NOT something to keep on negotiating in the hope of changing his mind, then she needs to fully believe he'll get the snip.


'Semi intentionally' is a bit jarring.

The thing is, men get to have sex. Women bear the consequences of having sex (as you state most of the birth control and pregnancy/childbirth).

If a man does not want more children, he needs to take responsibility. It's far too easy to insinuate that the women 'tricked' the man into her getting pregnant.

Which feeds into men being simple humans who are unable to resist females.

Utter bollocks.

Contraception is not always easy. No one should assume that everything is easy for everyone.

BUT... we are all adults and we are all able to make choices based on the consequences of our actions. And sex can lead to pregnancy.

urbanbuddha Tue 19-Oct-21 12:12:10

Not sure why it’s down to the op to get a snip, he’s told her he doesn’t want anymore kids, she needs to accept it. If kids are that important to her she needs to find someone who wants more.

Because they've already had one pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage, so whatever they're using for contraception clearly isn't working. If she became pregnant again OP couldn't expect her to have an abortion given how much much she wants another child. It's more risky than a vasectomy and in this case would damage the woman emotionally even if she agreed to it. OP has to man up and take action to ensure he does not have any more children if that's what he wants.

I agree with you though that this relationship sounds doomed. She needs to move on.

NotSoNewAndShiny Tue 19-Oct-21 12:11:48

Well yes but words can be used to evoke any emotion wanted.

So someone can post a thread with the title "He dumped me because I wanted a child!" and posters would rush in to say how awful he is. Yet upon reading the OP, would find out they both want different things and he left because he couldn't give her a child and she couldn't stop wanting a child (Neither of which is wrong).

I can assure you posters would have a different response to that and would probably accuse the OP of being misleading with an inflammatory title.

What exactly would you want them to do in that situation? I'm finding it hard following the argument of some posters. Should he compromise and want a child or should she compromise and not want a child? Someone has to leave if neither will compromise (and why should they?) so why not both make the mutual decision to separate? Should they stay and hope the other changes their mind? I don't get it.

PurpleDaisies Tue 19-Oct-21 12:08:36

'We separated or I left or We broke up because we both wanted different things and neither of us would budge'

That implies an actual conversation between them where they explore whether they can stay together. Plenty of posters are just telling the op to break up with her.

YouJustFoldItIn Tue 19-Oct-21 12:03:27

Not sure why it’s down to the op to get a snip, he’s told her he doesn’t want anymore kids, she needs to accept it. If kids are that important to her she needs to find someone who wants more.

I agree, except he'd be very foolish to stay without her without getting a vasectomy, unless he's prepared to take any further accidents on the chin and accept joint responsibilility for it. It's unfair, unrealistic and a bit stupid to expect her to take all the responsibility for BC and then not accept the outcome if she messes up - whether semi-intentionally or not.

That's why it is good to tell her he has a vasectomy planned, even if he isn't 100% sure he'll go ahead. If having a baby is more important to her regardless of who she has it with, then she will leave him if she thinks he can no longer physically give her that.

If her relationship means more to her than having another child does then she'll stay. But the only way to make her realise it's absolutely NOT something to keep on negotiating in the hope of changing his mind, then she needs to fully believe he'll get the snip.

PurpleDaisies Tue 19-Oct-21 12:03:01

Would “I wanted a baby, he didn’t so he broke up with me”, or “I wanted a baby, he didn’t so he split up with me” be more acceptable?

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