(525 Posts)
Bteng83 Sat 16-Oct-21 08:36:17


Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP’s posts: |
Porcupineintherough Sat 16-Oct-21 08:40:12

Any advice? Wear a condom, each and every time. Or if the not wanting children is a perminent thing in your life, get the snip.

Dont make her do the work of preventing something she wants.

Couldhavebeenme3 Sat 16-Oct-21 08:40:30

I take it that You are being 100% responsible with contraception? Vasectomy, or condoms every single time?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Sat 16-Oct-21 08:40:53

You need to separate.

GoldChick Sat 16-Oct-21 08:41:30

If she won't leave you then maybe you should leave her? So she can find someone who does want a child.

Bopahula Sat 16-Oct-21 08:41:35

YANBU to not want a child at all. But you do need to take responsibility for contraception so accidents don't happen.
If you're convinced you don't want a child at all ever again then maybe consider the snip too.

She may decide you aren't the one for her if she does want a baby, and you do need to be gently clear that you really don't want one and be clear each time it comes up. No maybes, no we"ll see etc. I've known men do that once they realise their partner is serious about leaving to pursue another relationship where they can get what they want, they don't want to be alone so start dangling a carrot.

Ultimately you have every right not to want a baby, but you need to be consistent about that and take care of contraception so there is no chance of an accident.

GoodnightGrandma Sat 16-Oct-21 08:41:40

If you don’t want kids why haven’t you had a vasectomy ?


FreedomFaith Sat 16-Oct-21 08:42:34


You need to separate.

This. Break up with her. You can't give her what she wants.

Clandestin Sat 16-Oct-21 08:42:47

If she got pregnant recently and you’re absolutely set on not having children, I assume your condom malfunctioned?

Snowdropsandbluebells Sat 16-Oct-21 08:43:08

It's not going to work out. Make the break

MintJulia Sat 16-Oct-21 08:44:26

You need to take complete responsibility for contraception.

Your wishes are as important as hers, however that probably means you aren't suited. You want different things.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Oct-21 08:44:33

Get the snip. Then she’ll know you mean it.

How did she get pregnant by accident? Were you using condoms?

A lot of women find that after a miscarriage the urge to try again if very intense even if it wasn’t planned. But if you never said you wanted one together and have always been completely honest then either get a vasectomy or break up with her.

drpet49 Sat 16-Oct-21 08:44:33

*Wear a condom, each and every time. Or if the not wanting children is a permanent thing in your life, get the snip.*


vivainsomnia Sat 16-Oct-21 08:44:51

Unlikely under the context that it was an accident to her.

If she fell pregnant, you were not protecting yourself. If you are 100% certain you don't want a child, that's the first step to take.

She sounds desperate and indeed,having another child might be more important to her than anything else. She might be frightened that if you break up, she might not meet someone else soon enough to have another one.

The decision might need to be in your hands, ensuring she doesn't fall pregnant definitely is.

inmyslippers Sat 16-Oct-21 08:45:06

Condoms followed by the snip

starrynight21 Sat 16-Oct-21 08:45:13

You are 100% against children , so get a vasectomy. Then let her go, so she can find someone who wants kids.

romdowa Sat 16-Oct-21 08:45:55

If you want such different things from a relationship then staying together isn't going to work sadly. Id question though why you haven't booked a vasectomy if you are 100% sure about not wanting any more children. Clearly the contraception you are using isn't adequate enough .

SoupDragon Sat 16-Oct-21 08:47:17

You need to separate as there is no compromise.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves Sat 16-Oct-21 08:47:35

Nobody should have a child they don't want. She is also not unreasonable to want a child.

A child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

My advice is end the relationship.

It's not fair to either of you. If she wants another child she needs to find someone who also wants that.

As for you, have a vasectomy. You don't want any more children so take control of that.

GoldChick Sat 16-Oct-21 08:51:18

I don't get why you haven't ended the relationship if you know this is something she wants but you don't. It's really selfish of you to have left it to her to make the call. You know you're incompatible, she is probably holding on in the hope you'll change your mind or she'll have another accident. Let her go.

Dillydollydingdong Sat 16-Oct-21 08:51:26

You've got one child each already. That's a family. You don't want another child with all the hard work, worry, aggravation and cash that would be involved. Just say no, and let her make the decision.

generalh Sat 16-Oct-21 08:52:26

Use a condom or have a vasectomy.

ThirdElephant Sat 16-Oct-21 08:53:38

If you definitely want no more children, ever, get sterilised yourself. Then she can decide whether she wants to stay or not, but you're protected in this and any future relationship.

CloseYourEyesAndSee Sat 16-Oct-21 08:54:24

How did an accidental pregnancy happen? If you don't want children have you had a vasectomy?

Moonmelodies Sat 16-Oct-21 08:55:22

Don't let her near your penis.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in