Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

[FangsForTheMemory]

I'd be quite clear that it's up to him what he eats but he pays for it himself and he doesn't take your 4 yo to McD's during the week. Even once a week is a bit much.

Fat shaming won't make him lose weight, btw. He's an adult and he's responsible for his own health but I wouldn't let him encourage your child to eat unhealthily.

[TheLeadbetterLife]

It is your business but you can't help him until he wants to help himself.

Your only option in the meantime is to leave him to his own devices and stop bothering to cook for him.

You should not let him take your son to McDonalds though, put your foot down about that.

You deal with yours and your son's food, let your husband cater for himself until he comes to his senses. That's really all you can do - explain to him that you're detaching from the problem, because it's his problem to solve. Stay calm, polite and fair. Just stop engaging with him on the subject.

[SoniaFouler]

Replace “him” for “her”, “his” for “hers” and “he” for “she” and then read your post back and imagine your husband made it by logging on to a public website and telling strangers how fat and unattractive his wife had become and encouraging others to make comments on you too. How would that make you feel?

Im not saying you don’t have a point. But if a post was made in the same vein from the opposite viewpoint, it’d be seen a whole lot differently.

[TinnedPotatoesRock]

Is your son overweight?

[LampLighter414]

Leave him to it. Don't allow him to drag your DC into his bad eating habits though (e.g. the McDonald's trips)

If its a dealbreaker in the long term then make it known and if no effort is made to change, then its done and on him.

[MadeForThis]

Once a week is too often for McDonald's especially at age 4. Maybe focus on the damage he could be doing to her by feeding her so much crap. Would he care about that? He needs an honest conversation. He's damaging his health. He may not be there to see your dd grow up. He smells. Are you attracted to him anymore?

He needs a healthy dose of reality. Don't fat shame him. It's not an attack on him. You are genuinely concerned.

[Mistyplanet]

Get all the unhealthy food out the house, turn the cooker off when he starts frying burgers and tell him stop being a fat slob. Its harsh but obviously gentle reminders arent working. No coke until after 5pm and only one can. Tell him hes no longer wasting family money on binge eating and needs to start showering daily. I think you need to crack the whip im afraid.

[Notjustanymum]

Op, you said this:
“He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. ”

If the second statement is true, he does sound depressed. Who has decided he’s not? Him? If so he may be struggling - a lot of people, especially men, struggle to admit they are depressed. If it’s you, you should try to get to the bottom of his comment about being disappointed in himself - he might open up about it if it’s done without the assertion that he is lazy or a man child...

[RedMarauder]

I noticed all the exercise he was doing and can do is on his own. He's also working from home.

He's simply lost motivation.

Take a break at lunchtime and all go on out on a walk together. Then talk to him about anything and everything but his weight. Do this every single day and slowly increase the walk from 20 minutes to an hour.

Then as a PPs leave him to eat what he wants.

[Merryoldgoat]

You can’t change him so you talk honestly about it, and if it’s unacceptable then move on but shame is the least helpful feeling when trying to encourage someone to lose weight.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Let professionals do the fat shaming. Ask him to approach GP about weight loss help. The GP can refer him to one which will go over his weight, bmi, diet, exercise and encourage him to adopt healthy lifestyle changes.

There are things he can do to substitute unhealthy foods for healthier version. Such as Coke Zero for Coke. Turkey burger for cow burger.

[Neonplant]

I'm not sure why you have called the thread fat shaming my husband. Are you trying to be goady?

Fat shaming him won't make a difference. I have no idea why anyone would possibly think it would. I'm fat (bmi 40) my health was pretty good. I've recently had bariatric surgery as I was sick of not being able to lose weight. Due to some medication I take, and underactive thyroid and some hormonal issues. Somone telling me I'm fat and trying to shame me wouldn't make a difference. I think people who don't struggle with their weight don't understand this.

But he is choosing to eat unhealthy and not exercise. This isn't the case for all fat people BTW. But he's an adult. You can't get him to change if he doesn't want to. What you need to decide is what this means for the relationship and how you feel about him.

I also do believe you can be fat and healthy. But I do think you need to mainly eat well and exercise and that fatness can only be so much. Also fat people don't owe you their health ore to be a normal weight they are entitled to be fat. Just as you are entitled to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him.

[TheAverageUser]

I know it won't be popular opinion but I would just tell my DH that his lifestyle is horrible and setting a bad example to our son. I would also tell him that the not showering, same clothes, laying about thing is turning you off (I wouldn't approach his weight).

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

You always take your child to McDonalds every Saturday for a treat? That's far too often especially for a 4 year old. You also said that he ate burgers meant for Saturday night? So that's burgers for lunch and dinner.

You say that you eat healthily but that doesn't sound healthy to me.

Are you sure that he isn't depressed? He sounds demotivated but also down about himself.

[girlmom21]

Stop being horrible to him. That's not nice and won't help anyone.

He's clearly lost motivation during lockdown and WFH. People don't see him so he doesn't need to keep up appearances.

Could you start going out for family walks on weekends/evenings together?

talk to him about the DC health and make it very clear you're not happy with him going to McDonald's so often.

[namechange30455]

Why do you want to stay married to someone you think is a lazy man child and clearly have no empathy for?

[PatchworkElmer]

Honestly I’d back off pretty much all of this, except I wouldn’t let him take a 4 year old for McDonald’s, especially if you’re going at the weekend anyway. Put your foot down on that- sounds like he’s using the child as an excuse to go himself.

If he eats food you’ve bought for another meal, he can replace it or cook a replacement at the required time.

[HairyFanjoBanjo]

OP you come across unsympathetic and controlling.

Shaming doesn’t work. Wake up and get with the times.

[girafferafferaffe]

You don't sound like you like him at all, op

[HarrietsChariot]

First, you need to stop making him feel bad. Criticising him, calling him names, saying he's unattractive is a sure fire way to make the problem worse.

Second, I'd like to know your qualifications for assessing him and ruling out depression, because his behaviour certainly sounds like this.

Lastly, if the genders were reverse and he were calling you a fat ugly bitch, people would say it was a case of him abusing you and you need to get away from him. So try to bear that in mind when you slate him to his face and on the internet. I dare say he deserves better than you.

[Draggondragon]

My husband was like that. I used to evangelise about my bariatric experience and it didn't help. One day out of the blue he went to see my doctor without telling me and was amazed when told he was a typical and good candidate. He literally hadn't made the connection between weight and health. He went in 2 days later and has lost 45kg. Life isn't perfect now we are both thin but it's a hell of a lot nicer and people treat us differently. I appreciate we live in a cou try with better Healthcare and are able to do this quickly, the NHS pathway is 5 years on average. I didn't qualify for insurance and went to Jordan. I paid about £3k and never looked back. 2 days in hospital and 2 days off work and then back to normal.

[TirednWorried]

I think your dh is depressed, and i wonder how much of that is down to you

[MargaretFaffter]

My DP was the same, but I kept my own counsel. He eventually decided for himself that enough was enough and started seeing a personal trainer. He’s now down 3 stones.

[Shoxfordian]

It doesn’t sound like you’re very kind to him
He’s not going to suddenly decide to lose weight

[Auroreforet]

I don’t think your dh is necessarily depressed.
Rather with lockdown he’s in a rut and just not kept up his healthy lifestyle.
However if I cooked for my dh and he turned every meal down in favour of fast food then I wouldn’t ever cook for him again.
That’s a deliberate and selfish choice on his part.