Page 2 | Fat shaming my husband

(294 Posts)
fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 13:37:36

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

OP’s posts: |
Auroreforet Thu 14-Oct-21 14:23:41

I don’t think your dh is necessarily depressed.
Rather with lockdown he’s in a rut and just not kept up his healthy lifestyle.
However if I cooked for my dh and he turned every meal down in favour of fast food then I wouldn’t ever cook for him again.
That’s a deliberate and selfish choice on his part.

CityMumma78 Thu 14-Oct-21 14:24:51

I couldn’t be with someone that chooses to be unfit and overweight! He is setting a poor example to the children, in later years he will be plagued with health issues and he is spending a fortune gorging himself on crap! I would tell him he is fat and needs to do something about it.

CaptSkippy Thu 14-Oct-21 14:25:02

SoniaFouler

Replace “him” for “her”, “his” for “hers” and “he” for “she” and then read your post back and imagine your husband made it by logging on to a public website and telling strangers how fat and unattractive his wife had become and encouraging others to make comments on you too. How would that make you feel?

Im not saying you don’t have a point. But if a post was made in the same vein from the opposite viewpoint, it’d be seen a whole lot differently.

Yeah, this really doesn't fly. I am a woman and I am fat too, but even I shake my head at this behavior. Cooking dinner for lunch that was planned for another day for the whole family without even discussing it first? Dragging his child into his unhealthy behavior? Not excercising at all despite having equipment at home and that he could technically use in front of the TV? Not eating the healthy meals he doesn't even have to cook or worry about?

OP does all the heavy lifting so sticking to a diet should be easy for him, but he goes out of his way to ruin his health and tries to get the kid along too. If the situation was reversed you would be critical too.

randomthings Thu 14-Oct-21 14:29:02

I would be considering if I wanted to stay married to him.

SoniaFouler Thu 14-Oct-21 14:29:29

So you think if a man posted the exact same thing on here with the sexes (obviously) reversed, this post would get the same type of responses?
And if a man posted the exact same thing on a male-orientated site and then it was linked to here, would the responses and reactions be the same? I’m just wondering. I think not though.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:29:44

SoniaFouler

Replace “him” for “her”, “his” for “hers” and “he” for “she” and then read your post back and imagine your husband made it by logging on to a public website and telling strangers how fat and unattractive his wife had become and encouraging others to make comments on you too. How would that make you feel?

Im not saying you don’t have a point. But if a post was made in the same vein from the opposite viewpoint, it’d be seen a whole lot differently.


Fair enough but it's entirely anonymous and I wouldn't speak so freely with people we know.

I feel unattracted to the fact that he doesn't care or take care of himself and an extension of that is that he doesn't encourage our child to take care of himself, wash, dress nicely and cleanly and do his hair before going out. Needless to say he also doesn't care much for me and wouldn't think of being overly caring in much sense. Plus I'm pregnant so feeling it now.

I get what you're saying but it's not so much his appearance more the fact that he doesn't care about himself and has no self respect and a by product of that is looking slobby.

I am no way perfect but I go out clean, wearing clean clothes. Have my hair done to best of my ability and wear clothes that make me look and feel good about myself - jeans and a tee usually!

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SoniaFouler Thu 14-Oct-21 14:29:53

That was to @CaptSkippy

SilentPanic Thu 14-Oct-21 14:30:39

You really have no idea whether he's depressed or not. Some of what you've posted indicates that his MH isn't great tbh.
Agree with above poster who says that you don't sound as if you like him at all. That must be very very hard for him to live with.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:31:15

TinnedPotatoesRock

Is your son overweight?


No if anything he's too skinny, he's not a great eater. Doesnt like veg and meal times can be a hassle. He's a chicken and chips child and it's a hard slog to get him to eat anything different especially when he doesn't see his father modelling that behaviour - I do eat the same as what I give my son but he sees his dad not eating it and will only try bits here and there after a screaming match

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IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel Thu 14-Oct-21 14:31:49

I take it that his appearance and most importantly his attitude and lack of self care was markedly different during the time you were dating and engaged? So this behaviour is fairly recent and out of previous character. Depression shows up in lots of different ways and I think despite you feeling sure he isn't, he very well might be.
Or he may be just upset at his wife constantly belittling and criticising him.
Why don't you try a bit of love and encouragement and see if that has the desired effect.
You're providing healthy food and presumably suggesting activities such as a family walk, bike ride, ice/roller skating etc so that's great. I think you could knock the Saturday trip to Maccydees on the head - do something non food related instead. Also, as others have suggested ask him not to take your DC with him if he chooses to go there.
You do have a valid point of course you do - but your approach is not working, he needs something else.
Do you know whether he has previously had issues around weight and food, and what his family's attitude to weight and eating was like when he was growing up? Might be something useful in that conversation.

RaginaPhalange Thu 14-Oct-21 14:32:53

You can't help him until he really wants help.

You say he's not depressed but your post suggests he could be, who has said he's not? You? Him?

You seem awful towards him, poor guy. Have you tried supporting him?

Fatflump Thu 14-Oct-21 14:34:25

OP I'm going to try and keep my response polite because you are pregnant and possibly hormonal.

Fat shaming someone is really horrible. Do you think he doesn't know he's fat? Isn't aware of it? I've gained 6 stone since I started WFH. If someone fatshamed me constantly I would probably be even bigger. Please stop doing it immediately, it is making the problem worse not better. Any change must come from within him.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:34:25

MadeForThis

Once a week is too often for McDonald's especially at age 4. Maybe focus on the damage he could be doing to her by feeding her so much crap. Would he care about that? He needs an honest conversation. He's damaging his health. He may not be there to see your dd grow up. He smells. Are you attracted to him anymore?

He needs a healthy dose of reality. Don't fat shame him. It's not an attack on him. You are genuinely concerned.


He refuses to have a decent conversation so we ended up in a text argument about the bloody burgers and I said he shouldn't have ate them as they were for dinner another day not lunch and why is he even having them for lunch it's very unhealthy etc etc.
He replied - you must out they were so tasty - well I flipped and text him back saying well done what a motto to live by I'll stick that on your headstone when heart failure gets you and tell the 4 year old daddy wanted to eat unhealthy and be a slob instead 🙈

Not my finest moment but I cracked.

He has now printed that text out and is passively aggressively saying he will stick it all over the house as it's great motivation. He's being a complete dick by doing that as he knows I wouldn't want him to do that

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FrangipaniBlue Thu 14-Oct-21 14:35:28

Jesus wept no wonder we are an overweight nation!

I was fat for a very long time. People beating around the bush, being nice, telling me I looked fine and basically molly coddling me did nothing.

Imagine if the OP had came on here but instead of food it was alcohol... if he was wasting family money on booze and not taking care of himself. There would be cries of LTB and "you can't help him if he won't help himself".

IMO food addiction is no different to any other such as alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or even gaming. We need to stop "normalising" this type of behaviour just because it's seen as more hurtful to say someone is fat that it is to tell them they are an alcoholic.

OP I'd not be cooking for him anymore or even buying his food, I'd be sorting mine and the DC and telling him to sort his own.

I would also be encouraging him to seek support, because I do agree with other posters that he does sound like he could already be or could be on the verge of becoming depressed, so he needs some kind of intervention or outside help.

But I would also be making it clear that he needs to acknowledge he has a problem, acknowledge the effect it is having on his family and his own life and that he needed to start taking steps to address it. If he still refused and continued to bury his head in the sand then he would lose any respect I had for him I'm afraid.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:36:51

Mistyplanet

Get all the unhealthy food out the house, turn the cooker off when he starts frying burgers and tell him stop being a fat slob. Its harsh but obviously gentle reminders arent working. No coke until after 5pm and only one can. Tell him hes no longer wasting family money on binge eating and needs to start showering daily. I think you need to crack the whip im afraid.


Believe me I have tried!!

I don't buy it and buy healthy stuff. He goes in bad moods and suffers from serious caffeine withdrawal and ends up going to the shop. Iv started taking cans out the fridge and hiding them so he can't drink them all in one sitting but he just goes to buy more. It's shameful.

He literally tried to take a burger out my hand one day saying oh you won't finish that will you - bear in mind I'm pregnant and was in no way finished. It's like he has a compulsion to eat everything in sight.

If we have a wee party in the house and do a wee plate of crisps, sweets, he will sit with it until it's finished an often no one else gets a look in

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TravelLost Thu 14-Oct-21 14:37:31

I think you can’t force him to look after himself but you can demand he feeds your ds properly. And that means no McDo twice or three times a week.

If you have a menu for the week (which it sound like it) I would also make it clear that the food you’ve bought covers the menu. If he wants to eat something else, he needs to go and buy it.
Stop buying treats etc… he can do that himself.

After that, I would leave him be. Encourage him if he tries to eat a bit more healthily, is going to see his GP whatever. Give your ds a good example and insist that some rules always stick - healthy meal, no constant treats, brushing hair and teeth, getting dressed. (For yur ds of course, not for him).
It might give him a push to do it himself too. It might not. But whether it’s laziness, depression, some hormone imbalances whatever else it could be, any change will have to come from him.

JudgeJ Thu 14-Oct-21 14:38:02

Neonplant

I'm not sure why you have called the thread fat shaming my husband. Are you trying to be goady?

Fat shaming him won't make a difference. I have no idea why anyone would possibly think it would. I'm fat (bmi 40) my health was pretty good. I've recently had bariatric surgery as I was sick of not being able to lose weight. Due to some medication I take, and underactive thyroid and some hormonal issues. Somone telling me I'm fat and trying to shame me wouldn't make a difference. I think people who don't struggle with their weight don't understand this.

But he is choosing to eat unhealthy and not exercise. This isn't the case for all fat people BTW. But he's an adult. You can't get him to change if he doesn't want to. What you need to decide is what this means for the relationship and how you feel about him.

I also do believe you can be fat and healthy. But I do think you need to mainly eat well and exercise and that fatness can only be so much. Also fat people don't owe you their health ore to be a normal weight they are entitled to be fat. Just as you are entitled to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him.

This is the hypocrisy of MN, women are hardly ever wrong, a man would be boiled alive had he posted this under that heading.

Summerfun54321 Thu 14-Oct-21 14:38:22

Book him for a private cholesterol check. Also stop bringing him down and start building him up. It’s easy and lazy to dish out criticism, it takes more effort to recognise what our partners do for us and compliment them for it. The more positive he feels about himself the easier it will be for him to correct bad habits and raise his self esteem.

Fatflump Thu 14-Oct-21 14:39:31

He may well be an emotional or compulsive eater. You can shame him all you want (which is a horrible thing to do to the person you love anyway) but it will just make it worse because then he'll eat as comfort or to cheer himself up.

TravelLost Thu 14-Oct-21 14:39:44

Xpost.

If he buys the stuff, let him be.
He is an adult. If he didn’t know, I’m sure you’ve told him the risks for drinking too much caffeine, eating too much, not enough vegs whatever.
You can’t control what he is eating. It will only make him resentful and less likely to be careful.
Just as hard as it is because it’s affecting his health, you can’t force him to do as you tell him.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:40:20

Notjustanymum

Op, you said this:
“He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. ”

If the second statement is true, he does sound depressed. Who has decided he’s not? Him? If so he may be struggling - a lot of people, especially men, struggle to admit they are depressed. If it’s you, you should try to get to the bottom of his comment about being disappointed in himself - he might open up about it if it’s done without the assertion that he is lazy or a man child...


I have had plenty of conversations without the assertion of him being lazy or a man child - these words or suggestion of this behaviour comes once in a very blue moon when I am at the end of my tether and fed up catering for another child in my house who is supposed to be another parent and my husband.

Anyway, we've had long conversations and he does not feel depressed, is well aware of his mental health and we have honest discussions about it often. Iv brought all this up with him and I don't think he's putting on a front. I don't think there's anything underlying. He's honestly just a couch potato who craves junk food and doesn't like anyone to tell him something he doesn't like

In general he is the type of person who is always right and doesn't take kindly to anyone telling him he's wrong etc. He doesn't like to be second best at anything so if he can't be the best he just doesn't try

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ThorsLeftNut Thu 14-Oct-21 14:40:37

You’ve just described me, luckily my husband doesn’t judge me like you do yours.

For what it’s worth I’m in a bad place mentally, so just because you’ve decided your husband isn’t depressed doesn’t mean something else isn’t going on.

Jellyfishnchips Thu 14-Oct-21 14:42:20

Sorry but this all sounds incredibly judgemental OP. The language you’ve used is quite critical and scathing. It can have a hugely demotivating effect on someone who’s overweight to / be able to deal with it and make positive changes if they don’t feel accepted by and emotionally supported by their partner. Please say you don’t speak to him this way in RL.

I would first and foremost make sure your DH knows he is loved, accepted and valued, do not call him fat or describe him as overweight- focus on good health and ways you can works towards improving health and having more energy together. Talk to him using kind language and explore healthier choices together, perhaps doing this as a family ie what meals does he and your children love and tweak them to be healthier, going on more family walks or cycling etc.

fatshamer Thu 14-Oct-21 14:42:23

RedMarauder

I noticed all the exercise he was doing and can do is on his own. He's also working from home.

He's simply lost motivation.

Take a break at lunchtime and all go on out on a walk together. Then talk to him about anything and everything but his weight. Do this every single day and slowly increase the walk from 20 minutes to an hour.

Then as a PPs leave him to eat what he wants.


Yes that's a good point altho in lockdown he refused to exercise with me when I asked him to - it was to motivate me as well but he had no interest.

If anything he seen how well I was doing and started to eat more rubbish in front of me as if to rub it in my face'

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TrickyD Thu 14-Oct-21 14:42:27

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

Well you might as well try fat shaming. He deserves it and it might work.

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