Is it me or is DH? Or a bit of both.

(181 Posts)
Perspectiveneeded44 Thu 14-Oct-21 10:43:12

Hi all,

Right have changed my username.

Have just left DS downstairs with DH as I needed to get out of the room.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind here so need some perspective.

Before I start with DS DH is good with him but has never ever had him for more than a couple of hours at a time and never on his own. This used to be because of BF but now at 4 months DS is mostly bottle fed but still I have him all the time.

I know I’m not perfect in any of this as I don’t like to let things go but am learning to walk away instead of arguing. I hate the thought of arguing in front of DS.

My DH works full time, two days a fortnight he works a 12 hour day 7-3 the rest of the time. He had 5 days off a fortnight and quite a bit of annual leave.

This argument has blown up because I went to DH at 7:45 this morning handed DS over and asked him to have him for an hour and half so I could get some sleep. He did but begrudgingly. I had been up since 3:30 as DS stirred and cried but only fully woke at 5:50. I got up with him after a long feed at 6:50.

I do all night feeds all wake ups and DH is in spare room ( originally my choice as DH can’t cope without sleep) so doesn’t have unbroken sleep like me.

When I came downstairs DH has been a bit off with me and basically feels like I don’t do enough. This is the same argument we always have. I do the majority of the cooking and the cleaning. DH will do a clean every so often but not consistently.

The house is in a bit of a mess today as I didn’t clean it last night.

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores.

I am beginning to resent him as I feel so inferior.

I will be going back to work FT in January.

Am I wrong in thinking DH should pull his weight too.

OP’s posts: |
Dovecare Mon 18-Oct-21 13:19:15

He is a selfish cunt. Leave him. I really mean this as he is gaslighting you.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Sat 16-Oct-21 22:25:55

How did today go?

JonSnowIsALoser Sat 16-Oct-21 16:24:33

How come your prick of a husband "can't cope without sleep" but expects you to do an exhausting 24/7 job on no sleep?! Is he not capable of logical thinking?

JonSnowIsALoser Sat 16-Oct-21 16:18:08

Some men should never be allowed to procreate. Alas by the time you have a chance to realise what utterly useless fathers and co-parents they are, it's too late. Oh to have a crystal ball...

Jewel52 Sat 16-Oct-21 09:20:14

Really agree with those who suggest you nip this is the bud quickly. Unfortunately, if he’s the kind of bloke who fundamentally believes women own housework (probably is given his upbringing) then you’re unlikely to change him as his family will underpin his view that you’re a slattern. More worrying to me is that he’s trying to undermine you when you’re tired and coping with a young baby. Being in a marriage is about forming a team, sounds more like he’s heckling you from the stands.

Mollymoostoo Sat 16-Oct-21 09:19:06

Put the baby in the spare room and SH needs to move back into your room. This way your sleep won't be disrupted by baby stiring.
This is a completely unreasonable attitude and sadly won't change when you go back to work.

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RainbowToes Fri 15-Oct-21 22:28:27

I used to get this from my ex.
Other women could look after loads of kids etc.
I'm divorced now. It's bliss.
He doesn't parent now either, he employs a childminder. He's a sad specimen.

startingagain13 Fri 15-Oct-21 21:40:19

Misty frequencies answered you perfectly! He is just so wrong!!!!

Mexicantortilla Fri 15-Oct-21 21:18:59

@MistyFrequencies is absolutely spot on...he is punishing you for making him step up...he clearly takes no responsibility and is acting like a petulant child....seriously point out his childish behaviour calmly without raising your voice or becoming emotional and then just leave him to it...and repeat

billy1966 Fri 15-Oct-21 20:59:33

OP,
I really wouldn't lay it on thick about being hurt, I would lay it on thick about no longer being interested in being married to a lazy, selfish, disrespectful PRICK.

flowers

ellyeth Fri 15-Oct-21 20:57:06

He sounds really nasty - especially saying that "other people" think you're lazy. What other people? I would certainly want to know but presumably he will just leave that one hanging in the air.

As you will soon be going back to work and have not exactly been having a holiday at home, with a baby to look after, I think he is being absolutely selfish and unreasonable.

It is SO important for you to have time to yourself because otherwise life just becomes pure drudgery if you can't meet up briefly with friends and family. When I had my first child, that was exactly what my life was like - lonely drudgery - I didn't enjoy her baby years at all - and it damaged our relationship long term.

Milkshake54 Fri 15-Oct-21 20:54:20

YANBU! He is - what an entitled prick.

We have a baby at home - we hired a cleaner when he was 4 weeks old!

twinmum2007 Fri 15-Oct-21 20:44:39

SheikhMaraca

What steps have you taken to address the sleep issues?

10 mins nap time in the day is nowhere near enough for a 4 mo, no wonder you’re exhausted and have no time to do anything.

I’d be looking at getting a sleep consultant in, as this issue is at the root of your problems with your DH.

This is right. A baby at that age needs LOADS of sleep. The better they sleep during the day, the better they sleep at night. Talk to a health visitor maybe or try one of the baby help books. Or a sleep consultant as a PP has suggested. A health visitor suggested I put my twins back to bed in the morning and it changed my life. They slept from 9.30 to 12.30 everyday for three years. Took a while, and it wasn't soloid all the time, there were hiccups, but seriously, it saved my life.

LoveGrooveDanceParty Fri 15-Oct-21 20:00:33

The tedious old trite from the same sub-standard men.

Apparently looking after babies/toddlers is a piece of piss / doddle / walk in the park.

But there’s absolutely ZERO chance he’ll take the baby alone for anything more than 5 minutes.

There are not enough 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 in the world for the hypocrisy of it.

I bet you just love having sex with someone who sees you as an inferior house-skivvy. Honestly, these men - I bet he’s also griping that you’re not putting out enough either.

P.S. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 (the 🙄 are for him, not you OP, obviously!).

LalalalalalaLand123 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:57:18

What a dirt-bag OP. Why are you even with him? Why did you have a child with him? He's disgusting. He's no partner. He thinks the things you do - breastfeeding, looking after a baby etc - are nothing, not important, the only important things are what he does. Fuck that shit. You'll be much happier without him. Please raise your standards in men, you deserve so much better. A true partner, who treats you as an equal, not a skivvy.

Perspectiveneeded44 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:55:57

DH knows how much his comments have hurt me and that it can never happen again.

OP’s posts: |
Perspectiveneeded44 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:55:28

whynotwhatknot

hes never spent time alone with his son-thats not normal

you have to literally leave him to it and go out

his comment about you lazy is disgusting

I will leave him to if all day next opportunity I get.

OP’s posts: |
Perspectiveneeded44 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:54:45

Naunet

*He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy*

Other women also manage to hold down a full time job, parent their children and do housework, so what’s his excuse? Does he think is penis is some kind of handicap?

Very good point.

OP’s posts: |
Perspectiveneeded44 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:53:58

1forAll74

I think you should be able to cope with one child and all things, tiredness is a thing, when you have a small child and lack of sleep. Get some kind of a routine, for the jobs you need to do, bit by bit. No point in having family disharmony about all this,

It isn’t about the housework it’s what/my DH has treated me and the general lack of effort towards everything.

OP’s posts: |
Naunet Fri 15-Oct-21 19:53:44

He says other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy

Other women also manage to hold down a full time job, parent their children and do housework, so what’s his excuse? Does he think is penis is some kind of handicap?

northernmamax Fri 15-Oct-21 19:45:27

Feel like you have just explained my life OP!

whynotwhatknot Fri 15-Oct-21 19:44:47

hes never spent time alone with his son-thats not normal

you have to literally leave him to it and go out

his comment about you lazy is disgusting

wentworthinmate Fri 15-Oct-21 19:41:41

I bet it's his mother that made that comment after he saw her without you and had a whinge fest.

Justcallmebabs Fri 15-Oct-21 19:37:05

1forAll74

I think you should be able to cope with one child and all things, tiredness is a thing, when you have a small child and lack of sleep. Get some kind of a routine, for the jobs you need to do, bit by bit. No point in having family disharmony about all this,

Sorry, have you actually read the OP??

This isn’t about the housework. From what I understand the OP ‘DH’ is off today and was asked to care for his child for a few hours whilst OP caught some sleep, have done the night shift and been up since 3:30. He has acted like a child and thrown his toys out the pram about it;

‘other woman manage to look after their babies and tidy and what exactly do I do all day. Apparently other people have commented about how lazy I am. As I’m off it’s considered my job to do all domestic chores’

and you have advised her to get a cleaning plan and avoid disharmony. Yep, a great message to her son about how women should be seen within the home by their partners??!

Tigger1895 Fri 15-Oct-21 19:30:58

On his next day off head for a hair appointment and maybe a facial, throw in a mani pedi. You’ll get plenty of deals online. Follow that up by meeting a friend for lunch. That should take best part of the day. Before leaving try tidy a bit but I guarantee you’ll come home to mess and a frazzled husband. It’s the only way he’ll learn.

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