Was I coerced into unprotected sex?

(172 Posts)
Esperanza111 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:18:36

Long story short , I met a guy and from the start he has been a nightmare. I told him that he has to use a condom as I do not want to get pregnant and I’m not on the pill. He at first agreed but one time we were having sex and he put it in, I though he was about to pull out to put on protection but I was shocked to see him pulling out and ejaculating. Lo and behold two weeks later I get a positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately that ended in a miscarriage and i was struggling to cope with it all. I went to visit him for some comfort after loosing the pregnancy and he did it again. He had a full pack of condoms in his bag but never used them once. He started talking to me about having another baby and how nice it would be. I wasn’t in the right state of mind but all that baby talk made me feel okay about not using protection. I don’t know if it was because I’m still grieving or what but he told me it was fine if we had another baby so let’s not worry about protection. Well, next day after that he went cold on me, wouldn’t talk to me at all, came up to me and had sex with me unprotected again then continued to not speak to me. He even shouted at me when I asked what he was doing and told me to leave him alone. I went back to sleep as there was nothing else for me to do. Next day I went home and he was supposed to drop me off at the airport but left me at a bus stop in a foreign country, told me he couldn’t be bothered to come with me and walked of leaving me there while I was screaming and crying for him to come back. Luckily I made my way there, but all the while he messaged me to say that it was a mistake trying to get me pregnant and now I should go and take the morning after pill. He has also blocked me .

I never agreed to unprotected sex. In fact I have the messages saying he has to wear a condom. There is more to this story but I’m pretty sure this is classed as reproductive coercion? What do you think?

OP’s posts: |
SuperbOwls Thu 14-Oct-21 09:20:12

If you don't agree to unprotected sex, it's rape.

Get away from this man asap!

Zippy1510 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:22:41

Why would you agree to be anywhere near this person? They are a horrific human being.

Esperanza111 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:23:47

Yeh I’m feeling so low because I know deep down that I didn’t want this. I keep blaming myself for being so stupid I should have just told him to stop but I trusted him way too much.

OP’s posts: |
CorrBlimeyGG Thu 14-Oct-21 09:24:01

He started talking to me about having another baby and how nice it would be. I wasn’t in the right state of mind but all that baby talk made me feel okay about not using protection.

You did agree. Unless you're claiming you lacked capacity to consent?

You were played, he's an arse. But falling for a line is not coercion.

HarryPotterFan21 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:25:35

You agreed to no protection you said yourself. It's not rape, you just fell for a stupid line.

Esperanza111 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:26:47

@Zippy1510 I know I’m really stupid, and I might be pregnant again to top it all off. Such a disaster.

OP’s posts: |

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beastlyslumber Thu 14-Oct-21 09:27:06

Oh OP I'm sorry, that is awful. You did not consent to sex without a condom so it is rape. The way he has treated you is absolutely horrible.

You don't need a reason or justification for getting rid of him. But your post is full of good reasons to ditch him. I'm sure that's not even the half of it.

beastlyslumber Thu 14-Oct-21 09:28:09

You're not stupid OP. He manipulated you. Don't blame yourself.

Annoyedandirritated Thu 14-Oct-21 09:29:18

This is NOT rape 🙄 She did agree, she says she did!

SweeneyToddler Thu 14-Oct-21 09:29:58

Did you travel abroad to meet this man?

He sounds awful, but it sounds like you did agree, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Block him, take the MAP.

GoodnightGrandma Thu 14-Oct-21 09:30:15

You did agree. You’ve written in your post.
You need to stop having sex until you’ve sorted contraception out.
If you don’t want a baby you need to use protection yourself.

Sirzy Thu 14-Oct-21 09:31:22

The key is you don’t trust him. That should be enough for you to get away from him.

Moving forward then it does seem like you taking some responsibility for the contraception side of things would be best for you. (Although from an sti side condoms are still wise)

Esperanza111 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:31:44

@HarryPotterFan21@CorrBlimeyGG

The first time I didn’t agree. I told him he has to use a condom. I even sent him two messages telling him he has to use protection after he said he would give me a “heavy load”. He put it in without protection I was about to tell him to go and get a condom but before I could he had already came. That’s how i got pregnant the first time. This time around he didn’t even bother asking the first time we had unprotected sex and I just let him. I gave up trying to tell him. Then he started talking about having kids.

OP’s posts: |
TeaTears Thu 14-Oct-21 09:32:41

If it was recent have you got time to still get the morning after pill or a coil if this pregnancy isn’t something you might want if you are pregnant again?

HarryPotterFan21 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:33:28

When was it? Can you take the MAP? Why didn't you get the MAP?

If your not pregnant you need to get yourself on the pill or something. Anything.

You did agree though you said it in your post. Sorry.

SuperbOwls Thu 14-Oct-21 09:33:51

Just because you agree to something once, doesn't mean you can't withdraw that consent on future occasions.

One thing I'm curious about from the mention of airports etc - is this someone you met on holiday??

Chipsinthewoods Thu 14-Oct-21 09:35:54

I would be inclined to say it sounds like he tricked you the first time and coerced you at a vulnerable time the second.

Thank goodness he’s out of your life, I would look into trying to get some help IRL - counselling for what happened and STI screening to help you move on from it. flowers

girlmom21 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:36:04

Why would you continuously have sex with someone who doesn't respect your wishes?

Go and get some long term contraception like the implant or coil, provided you're not pregnant, and don't have sex with anyone until it's sorted.

You really need to take responsibility for yourself here.

Yes he was a disgusting pig but he can just walk away, baby or no baby.

Get yourself a sexual health test too because you can guarantee you're not the first woman.

Tal45 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:36:14

Annoyedandirritated

This is NOT rape 🙄 She did agree, she says she did!

Stealthing (removing the condom without consent) is rape. www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-57618003
Please get your facts straight.
Please block this person on everything you have and don't go near him again OP. Talk to someone about this OP and get yourself some help, you sound very vulnerable.

Bluntness100 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:36:22

I don’t understand the whole foreign country thing op. Is this a holiday romance? How well did you know this man?

shakehandswithdanger Thu 14-Oct-21 09:37:17

He's a horrible person, but if he convinced you in the moment, even if it went against your original wishes and plans, it's not coercion.

The answer here is to stop seeing this man, or at least stop sleeping with him.

HiJenny35 Thu 14-Oct-21 09:37:35

Why, neither time, did you get the morning after pill, you can't believe getting pregnant by this man will be the right thing to do for a child. I don't think you are emotionally in a place where you should be having sex at all, but if you are at least get some long term protection so you can get yourself into a far better situation before even considering a child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick Thu 14-Oct-21 09:37:53

"He started talking to me about having another baby and how nice it would be. I wasn’t in the right state of mind but all that baby talk made me feel okay about not using protection."

"He started talking to me about having another baby and how nice it would be. I wasn’t in the right state of mind but all that baby talk made me feel okay about not using protection."

I dont know if its coercion OP, it depends what your response was to the above in my opinion. If you readily agreed, then people are allowed to change their mind, so I dont think you could argue that because youd said he had to use condoms in the past that he coerced you. Coersion is trying to change someones mind, applying pressure or manipulation to try and get something you want. If he just asked and you said ok then that's not coersion. He was manipulative in saying that it was ok to have another baby, but you've got to ask yourself why you believed this, it sounds like an obvious lie - it sounds like this isnt a long term relationship and you dont live together, why on earth would you think it was a good idea to have a baby with him.

Either way though he sounds completely vile, and you sound a bit emotionally vulnerable. Going back to someone who has ignored your wishes the first time, going along with a baby idea, screaming and crying from being left at a bus stop...it sounds like you're not in the right place for a relationship

Motnight Thu 14-Oct-21 09:38:09

I think that you didn't give consent for the first time it happened, but you did for the other times after your miscarriage.

You sound extremely vulnerable Op. You need to find out ASAP if you are pregnant, as you do have choices.

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