To not want this family member around my DC?

(142 Posts)
Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:40:12

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

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Teacupsandtoast Wed 13-Oct-21 17:44:56

I'd arrange alternative childcare and reassure your mum that you know she has to focus her energy on looking after her sister

househuntinginthesouth Wed 13-Oct-21 17:46:21

You're not being unreasonable at all by keeping your child safe. I would either be honest and say she can't come because she's off her medication or you could just say she can't come because you only want one person in your home looking after your child whilst you give birth and she can visit next time. About the visit tomorrow can you call your mum and say you don't want aunt to come, I'm sure she can see your aunt afterwards or before.

HerRoyalRisesAgain Wed 13-Oct-21 17:47:35

Yanbu and I say that as someone who suffers with psychosis which is suspected to be schizophrenia.
I dont thinknthere is any way you can tell your aunt you're not comfortable leaving your children with her without upsetting her so I'd just find someone other than your mum to have them.

HoardingSamphireSaurus Wed 13-Oct-21 17:47:37

You tell your mum that you don't think it is fair on her to have to sit both her sister and the kids, that her sister is obviously in a bad place and you really don't want to have to deal with any more stress over and above what you already have on your plate.

Don't pussyfoot around it. Don't let your mum make excuses. If you have received those phone calls then you have every right to put your kids first. You'll have to be blunt to override your mum's presumed objections and reassurances but, honestly, you have to make up your own mind:

Upset your mum, or
Put your kids at the risk you have identified.

You haven't caused this issue, and you can't resolve it amicably as there seem to be 2 directly opposing wants/needs.

RedMarauder Wed 13-Oct-21 17:49:33

You need to get your husband to look after your kids and your mum to come with you to hospital.

You can tell the hospital not allow her sister, your aunt in, but you can't easily stop your aunt being around yours if your mum has ended up being her carer by default.

Either way you risk your aunt doing where your mum will be contacted to attend to her. However if you are in hospital you can get your mum to turn her phone off.

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:49:55

Teacupsandtoast

I'd arrange alternative childcare and reassure your mum that you know she has to focus her energy on looking after her sister

I've tried and failed to source alternative childcare unfortunately.

The nursery we use breaks up for half term the day before my section so that's not an option. We've asked if they can help privately and been told no.

We don't have any other family we can ask, nor friends. We haven't lived here long enough to know the neighbours who barely nod good morning.

I was looking into childminders and was quoted £250 for a full days childcare for both my DC from 8am until 5pm and that's completely unaffordable.

The only options are 1) my mum 2) I go to the hospital on my own.

Option 2 fills me with dread because last time I went in to give birth I almost didn't come out again sad

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HerRoyalRisesAgain Wed 13-Oct-21 17:51:53

The question is which scares you more? Your aunt being unstable around your children or going to hospital alone because it seems the only option is to have your DH stay home with the DC.

Teacupsandtoast Wed 13-Oct-21 17:54:45

Mum being your birth partner sounds like a compromise? Your aunt definitely wouldn't be allowed in

Shelddd Wed 13-Oct-21 17:55:56

RedMarauder

You need to get your husband to look after your kids and your mum to come with you to hospital.

You can tell the hospital not allow her sister, your aunt in, but you can't easily stop your aunt being around yours if your mum has ended up being her carer by default.

Either way you risk your aunt doing where your mum will be contacted to attend to her. However if you are in hospital you can get your mum to turn her phone off.

I think this is a good option to consider as well if you really think you've exhausted every option with childcare.

Absolutely your mom will prioritize her sister over your children (because she was incorrectly convince herself she can handle both)

Disfordarkchocolate Wed 13-Oct-21 17:56:37

Don't worry about upsetting people or causing offence. Your child comes first, if your mum can't do that your husband will have to stay home.

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:57:27

Crossed posts thank you all for the replies.

Telling mum not to bring aunt tomorrow is going to be difficult because she's staying at her house with her tonight, so she'll know I'm on the phone saying not to bring her and that'll likely add to her paranoia.

I'm thinking to cancel mum's visit tomorrow and rearrange, then speak to her privately.

I posted on the MH board the other day asking for advice as to how to deal with my aunt's current relapse as I seemed to be atleast partly the focus of her delusions.

She called me up a couple of days ago and dropped into the conversation, totally breezily, that she thought I had been telling mum to kill her, among other things.

When I spoke to her yesterday I asked whether she truly believed that and she said no it's just her dark thoughts, but the fact she said it is a huge red flag for me and means I'm just not prepared to be around her or have her around my kids

I will definitely speak to mum privately about my section day and echo what has been suggested above.

This is all very stressful sad

There's a pattern where aunt will come off her meds whenever there's something big going on such as a wedding, baby due to be born etc. and that's clearly what's happened again now.

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Teacupsandtoast Wed 13-Oct-21 17:57:58

I had a planned Csection after a traumatic first birth and while it was good having DH there, the midwives were so excellent, it felt like a spa day in comparison to baby number 1 and I would have been fine on my own if I'd needed to be

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:58:53

Having mum as my birthing partner could be an idea.. I actually didn't think of that, thank you.

DH will be gutted but if she agrees then atleast I won't be on my own, and DH will know not to let aunt in if she turns up at our house.

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Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:59:48

Teacupsandtoast

I had a planned Csection after a traumatic first birth and while it was good having DH there, the midwives were so excellent, it felt like a spa day in comparison to baby number 1 and I would have been fine on my own if I'd needed to be

That made me smile. Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing that as I'm really nervous and it'll be my first section (for our last baby)

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JaniieJones Wed 13-Oct-21 17:59:49

£250 for a days childminding?! No way op are you sure you haven't misunderstood or asked a private exclusive nanny by mistake?

If your dm will be present surely safeguarding won't be a problem or does she downplay her sister's condition?

I would Google childminders and get a few more quotes, or ask other nurseries or similar if they can accommodate.

ChargingBuck Wed 13-Oct-21 18:00:59

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

"Mum, I only want you at the moment."

Any offence-taking from there -
"Mum, I'm the one giving birth, & I don;t want Aunt there, just you."

If you mum continues to prioritise her sister over you ... don't have either of them there.

Sorry you are handling this stress OP.

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 18:01:18

JaniieJones

£250 for a days childminding?! No way op are you sure you haven't misunderstood or asked a private exclusive nanny by mistake?

If your dm will be present surely safeguarding won't be a problem or does she downplay her sister's condition?

I would Google childminders and get a few more quotes, or ask other nurseries or similar if they can accommodate.

Yep that's the quote I got, by making enquiries with what was one of the most affordable childminders on the page in the area.

I will continue to look around. I did think that was extremely extortionate.

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Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 18:04:58

If your dm will be present surely safeguarding won't be a problem or does she downplay her sister's condition?

To be honest I think she does downplay it, she's so used to her coming out with "strange things" as she puts it, she doesn't bat an eye.

As it stands mum doesn't know what aunt said on the phone the other day, as far as I know.

Mum's phone broke and she couldn't get a replacement until today, so I've only managed to catch up with her briefly this afternoon whilst she's in aunt's company.

ChargingBuck that's a very good, and clear way I could word it. Thank you smile

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PaolaDiLorenzo Wed 13-Oct-21 18:11:06

I had to have my planned c section on my own, as my DH was taken ill, due to forgetting to eat and had to go to A and E hmm. The staff were lovely and it all felt very relaxed,with music in the background.

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 18:13:45

Thank you both for the reassurances about having the section without your husbands. I'm so glad things went smoothly for you both.

I have PTSD from my last birth 3 years ago and the thought of DH not being there makes me so nervous. It's good to hear that I'll be well looked after if that does end up being the case.

It would be a shame for him to miss the birth as he has his heart set on being there and was an incredible support when things went tits up with our last one, but I suppose I'll have to be open to the fact he may not be able to be there this time.

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QueenBee52 Wed 13-Oct-21 18:13:54

PaolaDiLorenzo

I had to have my planned c section on my own, as my DH was taken ill, due to forgetting to eat and had to go to A and E hmm. The staff were lovely and it all felt very relaxed,with music in the background.



awww bless you... what an unfortunate thing to happen... glad all went well 🌸

SmileyClare Wed 13-Oct-21 18:20:29

I'm assuming your mum is spending all her time with her sister because she is having a schizophrenic episode at the moment and/or isn't taking her medication?

In that case, who will look after your aunt when your mum's with your children? Does your aunt have any other carers or people she can call in a crisis? Apologies if I'm being ignorant about her condition here.

I think in your position I would ask dh to stay at home with the dc, just for peace of mind sad

Wishing all the best for you and new baby x

BoredZelda Wed 13-Oct-21 18:20:54

It would be a shame for him to miss the birth as he has his heart set on being there

If he is so set on it, he needs to arrange childcare.

Almostdue94 Wed 13-Oct-21 18:25:22

SmileyClare

I'm assuming your mum is spending all her time with her sister because she is having a schizophrenic episode at the moment and/or isn't taking her medication?

In that case, who will look after your aunt when your mum's with your children? Does your aunt have any other carers or people she can call in a crisis? Apologies if I'm being ignorant about her condition here.

I think in your position I would ask dh to stay at home with the dc, just for peace of mind sad

Wishing all the best for you and new baby x

Thank you for the well wishes

Mum spends alot of time with her in general so that isn't much out of the ordinary. Aunt tends to hide the fact she's not taking her meds and I mum is incredibly naive about it and downplays it at times, so I don't even think mum will have much cause for concern at the minute as AFAIK she isn't aware of what aunt was coming out with - but she usually just brushes off alot of what she does say anyway.

Mum is, how do I say this without sounding horrible, not the most intelligent of people and quite naive.

I'm sure she would respect my decision if I told her I don't want her to bring aunt with her, but there's not much she could do about her just turning up iykwim.

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