Partner signed off work with depression again - AIBU?

[Beachyrain94]

Hello all, i'm hoping this is the right place to ask and just generally get some advice if possible. I'm new here so please bare with me and i'll try to get to the point..

Long story short, i've been with my partner now for 5 years, who has 50/50 custody of his daughter with his ex. We have lived together for nearly 4 years, and worked through some pretty rough times together - I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail about court proceedings and child arrangements anyway but i'm sure you get the gist...

Around 2018/2019, my partners mental health really took a battering, and he was signed off work for a month and diagnosed with severe depression. He started taking anti-depressants (one really did not agree with him so he had to change over which in itself was a very emotionally and physically difficult time). He also started drinking heavily during this time, getting through up to half a litre if not more of vodka per night. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

The very 'rough time' wore off after about 6 months of the anti-depressants and since then it was smooth sailing. That was until June of last year when my dad was diagnosed with S4 NET bowel cancer and passed away quickly after, shortly followed (five months later) by his step dad passing away who had S4 pancreatic cancer and had been battling on and off for 3 years. I was so proud of my partner as he stopped drinking as soon as my dad died, which lasted for 10 months and everything seemed to be doing okay, but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand.

To cut the long story short, he's been signed off work again with depression and is due to be changing his medication to something different - the doctor fears it might be 'wearing off' so to speak. I know this is going to sound awfully selfish and I wouldn't blame any of you for shouting at me in the comments, but i'm absolutely dreading it.

Whilst i'm earning a bit more now so the money isn't worrying me, i'm VERY apprehensive about how the medication change is going to go and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down because I'm feeling this bitter resentment towards him for taking the 'easy route', when I know logically I really need to be at my best to support him and just suck it up.

I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well :(

AIBU about being kind of annoyed at him for being signed off again? Sorry for rambling, I guess I just needed to vent..

[didldidi]

Does the GP know about the drinking?

[HollowTalk]

It's a very uneven relationship isn't it? All of the pressure and responsibilities are on you. I couldn't cope with that actually.

[Macncheeseballs]

That would piss me off too

[PooWillyNameChange]

It sounds like it's been a struggle most of your relationship? I don't know you, or him, but on paper I question if it's worth it. You deserve to be happy too!

[Orangejuicemarathoner]

he needs to arrange day to day care of his own child - it isn't down to you

[AlwaysNC2021]

You sound like an incredibly strong and lovely person. I understand that he is struggling but your feelings and needs are important too, so make sure you don’t forget that. I don’t think anyone would blame you for feeling the way you do.

[Whentheydontmeanwhattheysay]

Nobody chooses to be depressed, it’s horrible.
Is the dr referring for any sort of therapy along with AD?
Does the GP know he is drinking? Alcohol reduces the effects of AD.

YANBU to be dreading it, it’s hard work trying to support someone with depression. He needs to knock the alcohol on the head to help himself. Easier said than done when you are at the bottom of a deep hole struggling to reach the top.

I hope things go okay.

[Soozikinzi]

My DH is on medication for depression and so I do understand.I am also a Step parent. It does sound tough for you and the drinking definitely won't help the depression. It's annoying to have to help and support someone when they aren't helping themselves. Sometimes it just seems like they're so wrapped up in themselves you have to stick up for yourself now then . You have to think what am I actually getting out of this relationship? So No you are definitely NBU .

[Wolfiefan]

YABU for being annoyed that he’s unwell and signed off.
YANBU for being mightily pissed off that he’s using alcohol (which will make his MH worse) in such an unhealthy way.
TBH it all sounds too much like hard work. If he’s not prepared to try and get and stay well then you’re always going to be picking up the pieces.

[Beachyrain94]

@didldidi

Does the GP know about the drinking?

They do, but just told him to “cut down”… I don’t think he was entirely honest tbf, but I can’t exactly go in with him haha (sometimes kids are easier in that respect!!)

[Wolfiefan]

He’s not a child.
If he’s not being honest with the GP then he won’t get well. He can’t be slugging vodka like that.

[Beachyrain94]

@PooWillyNameChange

It sounds like it's been a struggle most of your relationship? I don't know you, or him, but on paper I question if it's worth it. You deserve to be happy too!

That’s what I keep thinking.. my old therapist heavily hinted at this too. I guess at some point I am going to have to think seriously about whether or not it’s worth it for my own MH 😢

[Beachyrain94]

Completely agree - it’s infuriating as much as it is heartbreakingly sad 😞

[Beachyrain94]

@AlwaysNC2021

You sound like an incredibly strong and lovely person. I understand that he is struggling but your feelings and needs are important too, so make sure you don’t forget that. I don’t think anyone would blame you for feeling the way you do.

Thankyou ❤️

[Akire]

How much of it is totally unable to function, do any cooking cleaning or childcare? Or is it easier him just do nothing knowing you can sort everything? Depression makes everyday hard but there are basics still need doing no matter how ill you feel, in pain or other health conditions and disabilities. You need discuss how much you can take over and the bare mim he needs to do this time as you just can’t do everything again.

[OlivejuiceU2]

Sorry you are going through this. Your MH is important too.

Contact Uni and get yourself some extra time so you have some breathing space.

[icedcoffees]

His mental health isn't your responsibility to fix.

It's totally 100% okay to feel the way you do. It's also totally okay to admit you're struggling and can't support him forever. He has a responsibility to fix himself, too.

[Ichangemynameagain]

Leave. Seriously, it's not worth it.

I saw my DSIS waste 20 years of my life with my BIL who was like this. She died last year and he is now cock lodging with some other mug who has fallen for this bullshit. I am angry that she wasted what little time she had being miserable trying to fix him

[FluffyWhiteBird]

Your issue is not your partner's depression. It is his alcoholism.

You can't change his behaviour only your own. You've been enabling/facilitating his alcoholism by taking on all household tasks/chores and living expenses, to the extent that you had to get a second job, despite doing everything at home. This is not helping either of you. It's running you into the ground and it's meaning he has no consequences for his actions.

The life of an alcoholic eventually falls apart, I think functional alcoholics can go on for decades unfortunately. I suspect the sooner they become non-functioning and their life falls apart, the sooner they get their wake-up call and hopefully seek help. If they don't heed their wake-up call and meet their end, at least they haven't taken down an innocent person with them, destroying years of that person's life too. Sorry, I realise that's harsh and probably not what you want to hear.

When your partner first became depressed he didn't need to turn to alcohol. Yes he was suffering, but you'd have to live under a rock these days to not know that alcohol isn't the answer to mental health problems. He chose that path. You can choose not to walk it with him.

[littlefireseverywhere]

I'm not sure what the answer is but I do think you need to weigh up if you're happy in this relationship and how it's turned out, it does seem as if you're carrying more of the emotional, physical and mental burden. I hope you find a way to be happy.

[whatwasIgoingtosay]

I have no advice for you, but didn't want to read and run. I hope you get through this in a way that is good for you, and not just for him. He sounds like an off and on alcoholic, so he must be incredibly hard to live with.

[FluffyWhiteBird]

Does the GP know about the drinking?

They do, but just told him to “cut down”… I don’t think he was entirely honest tbf, but I can’t exactly go in with him haha (sometimes kids are easier in that respect!!)

You can inform his GP of how much he drinks. They just can't discuss it with you at all.

[pointythings]

The problem isn't the depression, it's the fact that alongside medical treatment, he self-medicates with alcohol. Alcohol reduces the effectiveness of the antidepressants because it is a depressant drug in itself. And you are paying the price for that in terms of him not functioning as a member of the family. You don't have to accept that. If he can't address the way he drinks, you should get out.

[ArthurApples]

If he is drinking that much he will never recover and his medication won't work. That's his responsibility. Put yourself first OP, life is too short

[ducksalive]

DH had several bouts of depression where I was left to carry everything.
It was very hard.

It was only emotionally bearable because DH was doing everything he could as well at the time.

Drinking that much is self sabotage.

You also have a right to be looked after, by yourself and others.