To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

(240 Posts)
Bluerainbow86 Sun 26-Sep-21 10:26:23

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

OP’s posts: |
LizzieW1969 Fri 01-Oct-21 19:34:31

@PeriChristmas

NT means neuro typical, as opposed to neuro diverse (ND).

Echobelly Fri 01-Oct-21 19:12:37

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, OP - I'm not surprised YABU!

But even with fewer challenges, the joy is in the moments rather than the long slog, but I can totally see that in OP's position, the slog is totally overshadowing everything else.

I think if it helps, things will change, they will go in stages and it'll get to a point where things aren't as hard.

PeriChristmas Fri 01-Oct-21 19:07:54

WetSausageRoll

I love my daughter but I haven’t been happy since she was born. I find every day life hard, I dread waking up. Everything is hard. I’m not NT so I think that’s a lot to do with it, parenthood is the thing that pushed me over the edge.


What is NT?

Coffeepants Fri 01-Oct-21 15:17:59

To you they are more enjoyable, that doesn’t discount the experience of people who find their children enjoyable despite the challenges.

Coffeepants Fri 01-Oct-21 15:16:55

Yip he sounds like an idiot. Imagine his children hearing him say that one day.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Fri 01-Oct-21 15:16:25

When they were little, not when I was!

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Fri 01-Oct-21 15:16:08

I found more so when I was little, the lack of being physically a separate being hard, and the need to always be mentally present and not “switch off” tricky.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Fri 01-Oct-21 15:13:51

*Mind, not moms

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Fri 01-Oct-21 15:13:37

Lots of joy but obviously hard work too!

I find the joy increases as they get older moms!

Coffeepants Fri 01-Oct-21 15:11:14

It’s obviously hard to comment on something you have no experience of?

esloquehay Fri 01-Oct-21 13:29:05

I'm so sorry you are finding it tough.
I find parenting really difficult/challenging. I'm a solo parent to 2 under 4, both possibly ND. I have sod all money apart from basics.
It's unrealistic to feel continuous joy, both any moments of what might be termed 'joy' are to do with them.
So, it's a slog, there's some really crappy aspects, but in a world full of choices, I'd always choose them.

WetSausageRoll Fri 01-Oct-21 13:26:01

I have, the counselling provided on the NHS is laughably shit. I take Sertraline and that takes the edge off.

Embracelife Fri 01-Oct-21 13:23:31

WetSausageRoll

I love my daughter but I haven’t been happy since she was born. I find every day life hard, I dread waking up. Everything is hard. I’m not NT so I think that’s a lot to do with it, parenthood is the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Please,see someone for counselling

WetSausageRoll Fri 01-Oct-21 13:21:29

I love my daughter but I haven’t been happy since she was born. I find every day life hard, I dread waking up. Everything is hard. I’m not NT so I think that’s a lot to do with it, parenthood is the thing that pushed me over the edge.

twinklytightrope Fri 01-Oct-21 12:45:40

I think it's you who needs therapy op. I can understand it's difficult but I was dc1 in your scenario. I'll never be the darling wonderful dc my nt sister is and my mother made that so so clear right into adulthood.

My mother's attitude towards me was very evident and when you're not nt you're never going to express the hurt of your mother not liking you and comparing you to someone who is in an nt way, no matter how much you want to blame your dc for not being nt enough. I think you maybe be accidentally damaging your dc 1 because you're finding it difficult. It may be worth setting out some time aside to spend with dc1 and dc2 separately without mentioning the each other so they both feel better.

ancientgran Fri 01-Oct-21 12:27:03

Cait73

Having one isn't the answer you either find joy or you don't

But one does tend to be easier. I couldn't stand the squabbling and they can't squabble if theres only one.

ancientgran Fri 01-Oct-21 12:24:50

Ledition

Teeny tiny moments of joy interspersed between the vast swathes of tedium, noise and stress IME.

When they were toddlers I asked the same question as you over and over and literally couldn't understand how anyone enjoyed being a parent. Genuinely couldn't wrap my head around it and figured everyone must be a lying gobshite grin. Yes they're cute and say the occasional cute/funny phrase but how was that worth it?! The sacrifices seemed waaaay disproportionate to the "joy".

However I'm finding more and more joy as they get older and whilst I still find parenting immensely irritating, the shit/joy scales are starting to level out a bit. My youngest is 3.5 and she is being a pain! She was my easier child too, a doddle as a newborn and the most pleasant baby. Surprisingly her sister who was a very high needs baby, really intense and clingy has become quite a carefree and pleasant to be around 5yo - I never would have thought it! I think in another year and a half I might actually enjoy them a considerable amount of the time 🤞🏼

Your description of how your children changed made me smile. I was a HR manager and I can't tell you how many mums I've had come back to work and tell me how awful they feel as everyone else seems to have a perfect baby who sleeps, eats, smiles and is no trouble. I always told them to hang in there, it's a marathon not a sprint and in my experience lots of the angelic babies turn into little (or even big) monsters at some stage and lots of the hardwork ones become lovely. Don't know how true it is but I think it gave some of them a bit of hope.

Tangledtresses Wed 29-Sep-21 10:51:15

Yep teenagers can be utterly vile sometimes... but see yourself as a mirror He's just telling how awful he feels about himself ?

I went through very similar with my now 17 yr old

I stopped taking him on day trips.. left him at home! Can't be pleasant stay at home
Fighting picking on his brother... we left the house.
Etc etc

And when he eventually was pleasant he got lots of attention....

He needs a goal a hobby anything! What does he enjoy doing? What makes him smile? Ask him

rhonddacynontaf Wed 29-Sep-21 10:30:03

Buttercup54321

Have you considered boarding school for rude, unpleasant child who is with you all the time? I would.


You're talking about a disabled child here.

Ledition Wed 29-Sep-21 01:33:23

Teeny tiny moments of joy interspersed between the vast swathes of tedium, noise and stress IME.

When they were toddlers I asked the same question as you over and over and literally couldn't understand how anyone enjoyed being a parent. Genuinely couldn't wrap my head around it and figured everyone must be a lying gobshite grin. Yes they're cute and say the occasional cute/funny phrase but how was that worth it?! The sacrifices seemed waaaay disproportionate to the "joy".

However I'm finding more and more joy as they get older and whilst I still find parenting immensely irritating, the shit/joy scales are starting to level out a bit. My youngest is 3.5 and she is being a pain! She was my easier child too, a doddle as a newborn and the most pleasant baby. Surprisingly her sister who was a very high needs baby, really intense and clingy has become quite a carefree and pleasant to be around 5yo - I never would have thought it! I think in another year and a half I might actually enjoy them a considerable amount of the time 🤞🏼

Buttercup54321 Wed 29-Sep-21 00:56:28

Have you considered boarding school for rude, unpleasant child who is with you all the time? I would.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 27-Sep-21 16:56:48

Oh and sympathy flowers because I forgot about the times when you get a long period of difficult days (did I mention 2am bedtimes which really effect ones memory)

But it does get better for some periods.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 27-Sep-21 16:53:25

...and there is always bedtime even if it is 2am

BlackeyedSusan Mon 27-Sep-21 16:51:49

Two disabled children, single parent, was short of money. yes they bring joy.

There is a lot of the usual parenting slog. (Washing, shopping, housework school runs etc) often more difficult and more of it. Sometimes parents have the same disability they have passed on.

Finding joy is sometimes an active choice and some days it is difficult.

As this is hanging round on the internet forever, I shall just say that you got off lightly with your kids comment. wink

Try to remember that they are speaking out of overwhelming emotions. They abuse you as you are their safe person. Try not to take it to heart.

elliejjtiny Mon 27-Sep-21 16:45:55

Yanbu. I've got dc with additional needs and it can be relentless at times. There is some joy but a lot of the time it's mainly hard slog. "Phases" that last a few weeks with NT children last years with my dc and then there is the constant fighting with professionals to get the support they need and the constant fear that what you do have will get taken away. Not forgetting the friends and relatives who cheerfully tell me that I'm lucky my dc isn't "properly disabled" like their postman's, nephew's, hairdresser's child.

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