Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[Shirleyphallus]

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

[lughnasadh]

Wherever you live you should pay your half of bills and rent/mortgage (or 100% if you live alone).

You can't seriously expect to live rent free?

You'd be paying the mortgage of any landlord you rent from, why try to take advantage of your boyfriend?

[NorthernDramaLlama]

Pay what you would pay in rent into a dedicated savings account. If you split up, you have deposit etc. If you de ide to buy together there is money towards moving costs.

[maddening]

He rents his house out and you both rent a house together, paying half each.

[lughnasadh]

@NorthernDramaLlama - He's not her parent. She needs to pay her way.

[Beachshell]

Because I’m not his tenant, we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together. He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not. He’ll be saving money on his bills plus food shopping. It’s not the same as renting from a landlord at all - with a landlord I am protected by law, I can’t be chucked out with no notice, I don’t have to sell my furniture, I can choose to live in an area that’s most convenient for me…

[MatildaTheCat]

Even if it makes sense do NOT offer to do all the housework and cooking. And why buy all the food? Offer to pay some rent but split the rest and insist on having enough left to build a fund for your safety in case it doesn’t work out.

[Comedycook]

Half of bills and all food is a great deal for him imo

[GreatPotato]

Don't do it. You know you're putting yourself in a precarious position and now, while all is at it's best in your relationship, he's quibbling over money. That doesn't bode well for if/when things aren't so good.

I agree half of all bills and half of food (not all) but I don't think you should contribute to the purchase of a house you have no stake in.

How will your proposed future purchase work? Presumably as he already owns a house, he'll have more to put in?

[EnidFrighten]

I don't think he's being all that unreasonable. Pay half the food and bills, give him half your current rent and agree to review it in a year or two's time, at which point you could decide if you should merge finances properly, whether to put you on the mortgage etc.

I think it would be advisable to put some of what you'd be saving on rent into a savings account in case things don't work out.

[Beachshell]

He wants me to pay half of what I’m ‘saving’ so in effect that’s already £700, plus half of all the bills… some of which I would not have in my own home (expensive sky tv package, much, much higher bills and council tax). I currently live in a flat and him a 4 bedroom house.

[sueelleker]

I'd suggest you get an official rent agreement set up. At the moment it's "he said, she said". That way he can't also decide to chuck you out with no notice.

[QueenoftheKarens]

I would say if I pay half the rent then you need to pay half the food, so half the housework etc.

[Bimblybomeyelash]

I understand your point of view but I don’t think that he is being unreasonable. He is only asking for half what you are currently
paying so you can save the other half. Bills and food costs should be split. But any upkeep and repair costs should be down to him.

Obviously longer term I think it is would be fair for you to want a stake in any property, but it’s a good idea that you trial living together before you buy together!

[LateDecemberBackInLowB12]

Why don't you just buy/rent somewhere together.

You'll resent him if you contribute to the mortgage, he will resent you if you don't. Better to start on an equal footing.

[Sirzy]

If your not willing to contribute to the mortgage costs then I think your best waiting as separate until such a point as your ready to buy or rent together

[ajja2021]

As you said you're meant to be partners, therefore it should all be split equally including rent.

[Redwinestillfine]

I wouldn't move in with him. When he's ready to share properly you can get married. Also if you do move in don't go doing more than half to he cleaning and cooking.

[GreatPotato]

I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

You're right but he's never going to marry you. If that's what you want, definitely don't move in.

[wolfstarling]

I think this is a good deal but you are setting a precedent that you will do all the household chores forever which may or may not grind on you later on.

Maybe wait until you are both ready to buy a house together?

[3scape]

I don't think you're both ready to commit to this just yet. Movie g forward with somewhere you both have a stake in might be a plan.

[BIoodyStupidJohnson]

He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not.

Yes but in this situation you would be living there. And accommodation costs money.

Terming it 'rent' is a bit clumsy, I grant you; I would move away from that phrasing and talk about (for example) sharing housing costs instead.

If you're not comfortable making payments towards someone else's appreciating asset without protection and I do get that aspect of it then don't move in with him.

Or can you discuss you being added to the mortgage?

I also think you need to reconsider the cooking/cleaning side. You risk making an unequal situation even more unequal there.

Who does his cooking and cleaning at the moment?

[Blossomtoes]

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

That’s what you’re doing with your landlord.

[CTR1000]

I think this is a reasonable request from him. It’s what I did when I first moved in with my (now) DH years ago.

[girlmom21]

You should pay rent but then only half the food etc and equal household chores.