Third wheel and a guest in their house

[Kleppy10]

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

[BeetyAxe]

Just move out.you and your son will be happier away from this. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he would care very much to be honest. What benefit is there to living like this?

[Wombat96]

If you are a guest, stop doing the housework.

But best to move out...

[Shoxfordian]

Move back out again
He doesn’t think her behaviour is an issue; seems very dismissive of you and she’s clearly going to carry on doing what she likes. It’s not working

[HollowTalk]

Move out ASAP with your son. It sounds really horrible situation to be in.

[Flawedperfection]

Move out, for you and your son.
Do you wish to continue to be treated like this? The daughter is a real problem but the father is worse, condoning this behaviour. Bizarre of him.

[Macncheeseballs]

Why is she receiving the full maintenance grant

[Outfoxedbyrabbits]

We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree.

You have problems with a) your partner and b) boundaries in your home. (The daughter would not be a problem if these two things were not problems.) You moved in with your boyfriend at his invitation, therefore you are NOT a guest. What are you officially, though, a lodger (very few rights)? A tenant (do you have a tenancy agreement)?

Why are you going overdrawn now, shouldn't you have more disposable income now you're not renting? Have your outgoings gone up/income gone down?

Stop doing everything around the house, immediately.

Just move out, OP. This situation will not improve.

[QueenoftheKarens]

Move out, for your sanity and his.

Your not a guest, they asked you to move in therefore it's yours and your sons home too! Guest is when someone is visiting and that relationship between the dad and the daughter doesn't sound right... 20 years old and she's lying in bed with her dad?

[PinkFootstool]

This is her home first, before you meet her father I presume? So she had a way of living with him before you moved in which he accepted. By the looks of it she's not keen on you and is not making you at all welcome.

Move out.

How she spends her money is none of your business. Why are you in debt to eat? The two aren't linked surely?

Your son is a very different adult to her - you can't compare them. At 20 why shouldn't she be out with her mates clubbing or partying? It's pretty normal.

[sbhydrogen]

You're not a guest, you live there! Tell him things need to change or you're out. You don't necessarily have to break up, but move out. You need to be comfortable in your own home.

[ThinWomansBrain]

So partner has gained a lodger and a housekeeper?
Move out.

[Kleppy10]

We gave true income figures, not sure why she would get so much. She doesn’t need it

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

He said you were a "guest"
Which isn't true.

I'd be moving out.

[HomeSliceKnowsBest]

YABU to stay.

[Akire]

How is it costing you so much for half bills and no rent? Your son should have some income left after Disability benefits are taken for his share of food and bills. Even if you exclude the daughter that’s 3 adults and two of them are giving every penny they have.

Not sure you gain anything from this, it doesn’t feel like home, you are cook and maid and your son has stay in his room.

[RedHelenB]

@QueenoftheKarens

Move out, for your sanity and his.

Your not a guest, they asked you to move in therefore it's yours and your sons home too! Guest is when someone is visiting and that relationship between the dad and the daughter doesn't sound right... 20 years old and she's lying in bed with her dad?

My kids all lie in bed with me when they're back from uni so nothing odd in that.

[Winter2020]

"I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time."

You seem to be implying that she should pay but I presume you pay half? If so and her dad also pays half then he is covering her share not you - so if she paid anything she would give it to her dad, not you. If your partner earns more than you then you could ask him about splitting the bills not 50:50 but some other way based on income.

Your nickname for the daughter is spiteful. You say she is 20 and yoy have lived with them for a year so she had her dad to herself for many years up to being 19 and they had their own way of life. You need to tread softly else you will be asked to move out. From the description of life at home your partner doesn't sound like he would choose you over his daughter. She will probably choose to move out in a few years but in the meantime if you want to stay you need to get along. Why not ask both the adult kids to do an equal amount of chores.

[pinkyredrose]

. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live

Move out. Seriously. Your bf doesn't have your back, his spoilt daughter will always come between you because he won't stand up for you.

[femfemlicious]

Move out ASAP. Why do you need to live there?. Stop bothering yourself about her grant money. Its not your business how much she gets.

[Anordinarymum]

OP You do not need this and neither does your son. Move out and consider yourself lucky you did not buy into his house.

[KarmaStar]

Op,Yanbu ,there is no happiness here for you or your d's they are treating you like dirt.
Move on and break all contact,don't look at it that his dd has 'won' ,see it as a lucky escape and it will be.
You both deserve better than this!💐
Stop cleaning ,start saving for a deposit on a new home for you and your ds and don't look back.
What a pair they are eh?you will be much happier away from this negativity.
Good luck.🌈

[SarahBellam]

Oh good grief. Leave. There is no need for you to live like that. You moved in and got yourself an extra job as an unpaid housekeeper to a lazy arse man and awful daughter. Time to take back control - for you and your son.

[Summerbreeze4]

Most university students live like that, nothing new there.

Other aspects of her behaviour suggest she sees you as a challenge.

You should move out, it is not healthy for your relationship and there’s a imbalance you living in ‘their’ house. If and when you get married and the house becomes jointly yours, THEN move in.

[Brollywasntneededafterall]

I voted yabu.
Yabu to hang around any longer....

[PlonkyWillyWonky]

Stop putting up with it
They are both happy with the arrangement so leave them to it