To be fed up of hearing about her.

(101 Posts)
Lucielockett Thu 23-Sep-21 07:46:47

I've been involved for the best part of a year with someone who had been single for 2 years when we met. He had given up alcohol so I guess was sort of in the recovery stage. He hasn't relapsed and works full time. He's got his life in order apart from his constant mentioning of his ex. I think they are emotionally co dependant. I can't put my finger on it. They seem to have split and when he was at his worst with drink she stepped into a support role as his cousin asked her if she could due to him having no family close by. But it continued as a friendship. He says she's like a sister to him. His cousin said they love and hate eachother but they don't want to be together. It's all very strange.

2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. He tried to manage both sides. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.

He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.

Anyway he must bring her up most days to me. Sometimes she's part of a story and other times it's what she did. Where she went. What made their relationship go wrong etc. Last night he told me a couple of stories about her and one was how she helped him. The other day we were having a walk together through a lovely wood and he starts telling me a story of them on holiday.

Its constantly my ex my ex. When he's talking about the past he says my misses sometimes.

I woke up this morning feeling down and disheartened. I realised I started out this with him thinking time would change things. She would start dating. He would get busy with
Me. But it hasn't happened. He will never admit it but its obvious to me he hadn't dealt with the loss of their relationship when he stopped drinking.

This morning I've messaged him as I know I was quiet last night at his. I've told him that I was quiet because he keeps mentioning his ex to me most times we see eachother and it makes me overthink and question if I could ever match up to what she was to him. I said to him she obviously did alot for you and I notice how much you still mention her which means you are thinking about her all the time. I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it. I know he hates messages like that and I've sent it first thing in the morning.

I just feel how I feel. I don't think it's normal to expect your new girlfriend to constantly be told about your ex. Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
moita Thu 23-Sep-21 07:49:25

Honestly OP do you think he's invested in building a future with you?

Geamhradh Thu 23-Sep-21 07:50:08

He'd been single for two years yet still mentions his ex constantly?
He has drink problems which led to a possible co-dependent relationship with the ex?

See those hills?
Get your boots on and start running. flowers

Sparklingbrook Thu 23-Sep-21 07:50:37

I don't think I would be hanging about TBH. If they've been split for 2 years and he's still thinking and talking about her then the future of your relationship doesn't look good. It's decision time.

ImperfectTents Thu 23-Sep-21 07:51:19

Cut your losses

GummyBearWhere Thu 23-Sep-21 07:53:50

He’s not that into you and he’s not over his ex, time to move on.

Rainbowheart1 Thu 23-Sep-21 07:55:32

It’s almost ridiculous. This is your life and your playing to second best. Why are you doing that?

At this point I don’t think I’d even ask him to stop mentioning her, as even if he does he clearly always thinks about her. I would leave.

Like a sister, Yh ok pal!

Blows up when he sees the message, because he knows your right but can’t stop himself about thinking about her day and night.

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WhyMeLord Thu 23-Sep-21 07:56:51

Putting aside the (massive) issue of the ex girlfriend, if you're worried about what his reaction will be to you telling him he is doing something that is upsetting you (something he is already aware upsets you but has continued to do anyway) then is that really a relationship you want to be part of? In a good relationship where you love and respect each other you should be able to discuss things that you find upsetting and find a solution that you're both comfortable with.

EnjoyingTheSilence Thu 23-Sep-21 07:58:49

Cut your losses and move on.

LizzieSiddal Thu 23-Sep-21 07:59:02

I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it.

So not only is he using you as a sounding board about his ex, but he will “blow” if you mention his behaviour is unreasonable?

He sounds a horrible person, who hasn’t got over his ex.

Tell him it’s over. flowers

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime Thu 23-Sep-21 08:02:06

You don't need permission or even a reason to break up with someone, just move on. You don't need to explain yourself just say the relationship isn't working for you, you wish him luck for the future and then move on. He isn't likely to change, obvious still hung up on the ex and dealing with his own issues and you deserve to be the priority.

lazylinguist Thu 23-Sep-21 08:02:31

Why on earth would you continue this relationship? This should have been the honeymoon period, but he's going on about his ex, and there's the spectre of his drink problem too. Time to cut your losses!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves Thu 23-Sep-21 08:03:21

Walk away.
He's not over her. At all.

Lucielockett Thu 23-Sep-21 08:03:34

I've tried to be a little patient as she was there for him at rock bottom. But it's almost a year on and he's no further ahead. The trouble is he does want me and I haven't gone into detail in this post how close we are and how many happy times we've had. It's just he seems to forever being going over things. At first I thought he was with her 8 years so she was bound to be apart of alot of his stories. But it's 3 years in February they split and she's very much in his life as a friend. But as I say I can sense he can't let go of her emotionally. His cousin said he carries guilt for what he put her through. But she neglected him herself for her own happiness. She wasn't perfect.

Its like he sobered up and he was hit with this huge amount of grief and wanted to stay in her life and not loose her completely. Yet sexually and physically they don't want it. She hasn't been round his house for 9 months. But she still has plants he plans on getting eventually.

I've given it my best shot. I've tried to figure out if I'm being insecure and petty. But I'm really not. I am just sick of the words my ex every other day. I could live with once or twice a month a mention. But even when we walk down the road if he sees a friend its often a my ex moment as he will often have to explain they split up a couple of years ago.

I don't know how he's going to react but I simply can't deal with it. Perhaps someone else will be OK with her being in his head still but I just can't. Plus I've seen how stressed he got when I dared to speak negatively about her for the first time the other week. He really didn't like it.

I really like him other than this. But I'll be honest I'm starting to really dislike her and I feel constantly frustrated. She also has decided to not take a step back and respect me. So they both want to carry on.

Just needed to talk it through. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Neveratruerfriend Thu 23-Sep-21 08:06:44

It won't get any better. She will always be there. He's really not that into you. As others have said, cut your losses and let him go.

LizzieSiddal Thu 23-Sep-21 08:10:31

Perhaps someone else will be OK with her being in his head still but I just can't.

Nobody would put up with a boyfriend constantly bring up an ex! You’ve been very patient with him actually and it’s perfectly natural to say “I’ve had enough, I can’t cope with this anymore”

pelosi Thu 23-Sep-21 08:10:36

I really like him other than this. But I'll be honest I'm starting to really dislike her and I feel constantly frustrated. She also has decided to not take a step back and respect me. So they both want to carry on.

Just needed to talk it through. Thank you.

So you’ve talked it through and now you go back to being second best.

You’d be a fool to stay with this man. I predict you’ll be posting here in 2 years as noting will have changes, except maybe a baby in the mix.

Lucielockett Thu 23-Sep-21 08:17:56

I know it's time to cut my losses. It's not fair on me. But also its not fair on him to feel pressured to cut someone out. Ultimately it would be controlling for me to put pressure on him to cut down on her. He will only resent me. I feel like that's what I need to say to him.

I know he still needs that communication and contact with her. It's important to him and perhaps because of the alcohol its a normal reaction and one that needs therapy. But I am starting to see its not fair or healthy. Its a triangle and 3 is a crowd and always will be.

I was in the car the other day and he saw a man that apparently used to message her and he was still clearly bitter about him aswel.

I'm starting to wake up to it all. I do need to walk away. It's just hard as I do have some strong feelings for him. Irs going to hurt abit.

OP’s posts: |
Outfoxedbyrabbits Thu 23-Sep-21 08:18:52

So this was a break up text, yes? The last sentence in it was, "This isn't the type of relationship I want so please don't contact me again."???

Sparklingbrook Thu 23-Sep-21 08:23:27

I really like him other than this. But I'll be honest I'm starting to really dislike her and I feel constantly frustrated. She also has decided to not take a step back and respect me. So they both want to carry on

Is she with someone else now?

Lucielockett Thu 23-Sep-21 08:25:01

It was a text to tell him how I feel about his ex being mentioned. He potentially could say I'm right and he does need to cut down contact and get some therapy as he is struggling with the past. But there's not much chance of that. He will most likely tell me he doesn't like these messages and we've talked about this before. Which will then lead me to say maybe another woman would be fine with it, but I am not so it's not fair to you for me to stick around and you having to worry about mentioning her etc. I believe we will break up today yes.

OP’s posts: |
pelosi Thu 23-Sep-21 08:25:08

Lucielockett

I know it's time to cut my losses. It's not fair on me. But also its not fair on him to feel pressured to cut someone out. Ultimately it would be controlling for me to put pressure on him to cut down on her. He will only resent me. I feel like that's what I need to say to him.

I know he still needs that communication and contact with her. It's important to him and perhaps because of the alcohol its a normal reaction and one that needs therapy. But I am starting to see its not fair or healthy. Its a triangle and 3 is a crowd and always will be.

I was in the car the other day and he saw a man that apparently used to message her and he was still clearly bitter about him aswel.

I'm starting to wake up to it all. I do need to walk away. It's just hard as I do have some strong feelings for him. Irs going to hurt abit.

You are important too, OP.

It’s perfectly ok to tell him to choose between his dependency on her versus a relationship with you.

But I suspect he would just contact her secretly, so I think you’re right, you do need to walk away.

FangsForTheMemory Thu 23-Sep-21 08:28:42

He's still in a relationship with her. It may not be a usual sort of relationship, but she's the most important person in his life.

beastlyslumber Thu 23-Sep-21 08:28:49

Its a triangle and 3 is a crowd and always will be.

It's called triangulation. He uses her to keep you in line, to make sure you know your place and don't go doing anything silly like standing up for yourself and expecting to be treated with love and respect.

The fact that you are frightened to even text him or talk to him about this is extremely worrying too. It suggests he is controlling and angry when things don't go his way.

The longer you stay in this relationship, the worse it's going to get. You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with you. This man is just using you to prop himself up. He doesn't care about you. Sorry OP. But I think you already know that.

AnyFucker Thu 23-Sep-21 08:29:45

He sounds boring as fuck. You can do better.

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