Soon to be ex-husband working shifts and access to our child

[PeoniesGinandBags]

I'm having an awful time of it with my ex-partner and wondered if anyone could give some advice.

He works shifts and these change from week to week and month to month. There is no regularity. We agreed that our child would spend one night a week with him and that I would work this around his shift work as of course, he can't help being at work.

Now though, it's just taking the p*ss. He not only expects me to fit his night in around his work but his social life too. It's getting beyond a joke. Last week for example he had all weekend off but didn't want child (aged 9) staying over then, instead opting for a week day night and therefore seeing him for only a short period, once he'd picked him up from his after school football club.

I've tried to be accommodating as best as I can but it's just not working. The different day each week is bad enough (and unsettling for our child as he likes a set routine) but to throw in the fact that ex-partner pretty much disappears off for days at a time with no phone contact is making things really hard work.

Ex-partner and I agreed set times in the week for video calls too but half of the time he ignores the agreed time, phones on different days, different times etc etc.

I know this might sound trivial but there's just no consistency at all. This week he forgot to collect him from school after he'd been away all weekend. I went to collect him in the end, smoothed it all over, reassured him that Dad and "just been stuck in traffic" (he hadn't) and did a family call together so he could see everything was 'okay'.

Put simply I feel I'm being taken advantage of. I'm trying so hard to be flexible that now I feel like a doormat... him sending me a few "available days" and expecting me to slot in around that.

Please has anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation? I know I need to be flexible but I feel like I'm not getting anything in return as ex-partner just slags me off when I try and talk to him about it, claiming I'm "controlling access".

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

How old is your dc?

It sounds like this is going to be an ongoing issue and you might be storing up trouble if you continue to cover for ex's poor choices - your dc will work it out and might lose trust in you as well as DF.

Age is also important if you have to be there to set up any calls, facetime etc. You could just tell him that if he forgets or is really early or late that you cannot and will not simply suspend your own life to accommodate him. If dc is old enough they can make that decision themselves.

Basically, you split for a reason and his current behaviour is dictating an unreasonable amount of your current life. So tell him to straighten up and fly right.

If you don't you'll have years more if this.

[PeoniesGinandBags]

@CuriousaboutSamphire

How old is your dc?

It sounds like this is going to be an ongoing issue and you might be storing up trouble if you continue to cover for ex's poor choices - your dc will work it out and might lose trust in you as well as DF.

Age is also important if you have to be there to set up any calls, facetime etc. You could just tell him that if he forgets or is really early or late that you cannot and will not simply suspend your own life to accommodate him. If dc is old enough they can make that decision themselves.

Basically, you split for a reason and his current behaviour is dictating an unreasonable amount of your current life. So tell him to straighten up and fly right.

If you don't you'll have years more if this.

DC is only 9 - just turned 9 too so I know I've got years to deal with the ex. I'm really trying to support their relationship by calling at the agreed time and encouraging DC to chat with him about school, friends etc... it can be like pulling teeth sometimes so to have him turn round and say I'm "controlling access" is just really upsetting for me as I've worked so hard to be the exact opposite.

He's just getting worse. It feels like some days he's nice to me (like yesterday, wanting to chat etc) and then the next day he pulls the rug out and starts being horrible again.

Last month it was ex's birthday and I made sure we had a card from DC, presents and a cake so it was still special and he's was a dick about that too. I don't know where I'm going wrong.

[eeyore228]

If he works shifts there isn't a huge he amount that you can do. BUT his social life should come 2nd. I would accommodate the shifts but no way anything else.

[Insidelaurashead]

Ex is being an idiot. Yes you do have to be flexible in the child's best interests in terms of Dad was going to have him in Thursday but Dad has phoned in sick to work because can't stop throwing up so you've decided Dad will see him Sunday instead. That makes complete sense. Or Dad has video calls on a Tuesday and a Thursday but DC had a brilliant parents evening on Friday and Dad really wants to talk to him that night too so he can say how proud he is. From reading your posts, it sounds like in those sort of scenarios you would be ultra flexible. Being flexible isn't Dad would rather get pissed tonight so can't be arsed with DC. thats just Dad being an idiot isn't it

[Peace43]

My DD is 10 and her Dad is flaky. I do not cover for him. When he forgot to pick her up I collected her and sympathasised but I don't make excuses for ex-H. He can appologise for himself.

For shifts - is there a pattern or do they change? I would make my own plans and assume ex would never see kid and then when he gives you his availability I'd facilitate the contact IF it didn't mess up pre-existing plans.

I still sort out birthday card and present (and Xmas, Fathers Day) from DD to her Dad and expect NOTHING in return (my sister helps DD for my birthday).

I don't chat with my ex. We aren't friends. We are polite and thoughtful to one another but basically we only talk to one another to sort out kid arrangements.

I think you need to toughen up and stop trying to cover for him / make him behave properly. It's not down to you to patch up his cracks and damp spots so your kid thinks he is great.

[SouthSideSally]

Any contact arrangements should be in the best interest of the child. It doesn't seem like this arrangement is in your child's best interest. Think about what kind of contact arrangement you would like your child to have with their dad and speak to a solicitor. ALL parents have to make sacrifices in order to provide care for their children. Perhaps he could rethink his job choice - isn't that what all parents do.

[spooney21]

How far in advance does he get his shifts?

[CurzonDax]

How often are his shifts given to him? Often shift patterns are known to staff a month in advance (e.g. 30th Sep - here's your shifts for October). If it's something like that, even a couple weeks in advance, insist on knowing the days he can see your son when he knows his shifts, and insist he sticks to the agreed days!

[PeoniesGinandBags]

Thanks everyone for your help.

He usually gets his shifts 3 months in advance so absolutely plenty of time. Last time he gave me them at the last minute though - literally a few days before the start of September - when he would have had them himself in June. He just kept saying that "they might change". You're right though, I think I just need to organise my life with DC and then be appropriately flexible around his work. If he;'s choosing to prioritise social activities then that's his choice.

Honestly, it was so hard just to find any spaces at all in September and October for DC to spend one night a week with him.... and he only works 16 days a month! It's ridiculous.

And yes, with the phone calls I'm more than flexible. If DC asks to call him I give him my phone and give him space and if he's done well at school, I'm there saying "great! Do you want to let Dad know?"

He is being an arse.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Either he schedules his time 3 months ahead and sticks to it, or agree a schedule e.g. every other weekend and he gets childcare if he is at work, like any other parent would have to.

You aren't there to provide childcare for him.

[Theunamedcat]

Sadly I have experience in this and I would say don't cover for him if he let's him down HE let's him down not you not your fault I remember picking ds up early his heart broke why are you getting me! I said dad asked me to pick you up dad looked horrified that I was honest and mumbled something about it being on my way home from work turns out dad hadn't said I was getting him early and tried to tell him I wanted him early the lie did more damage than the truth

[PeoniesGinandBags]

@Theunamedcat

Sadly I have experience in this and I would say don't cover for him if he let's him down HE let's him down not you not your fault I remember picking ds up early his heart broke why are you getting me! I said dad asked me to pick you up dad looked horrified that I was honest and mumbled something about it being on my way home from work turns out dad hadn't said I was getting him early and tried to tell him I wanted him early the lie did more damage than the truth

I "covered for" my ex thinking I was going the right thing and he said that I shouldn't tell lies. WTF?!

[crackofdoom]

I really feel for you, and this is not a “trivial” thing. My ex can be the same, especially in lack of communication. I only ever text him to let him know about practical stuff around pickups- eg “Now X has started a new school, will you be dropping him off at the bus stop at 8.00, or directly to school at 8.30?”, and he won’t answer for days, while I get increasingly on edge and wonder if I’m going to have to dump all my weekend plans at the last minute for an emergency school dash. He does it because it’s the last tiny bit of control he has over me, and I’m sure your ex is being like this for precisely the same reasons. 😡

[LannieDuck]

Don't cover for him. Be honest in a gentle and age-appropriate way.

Don't facilitate other phone call times if he can't be bothered at the time he'd arranged (unless DS requests it).

Once he gets his schedule, you and he agree every contact date for that period and then it doesn't change. If he wants it to change, he needs to request it (and expect a 'no').

I would set a deadline on it - either he agrees shifts with you within a month, or he has to work around your diary.

His social life is of no importance, only his work shifts.

[PeoniesGinandBags]

@crackofdoom

I really feel for you, and this is not a “trivial” thing. My ex can be the same, especially in lack of communication. I only ever text him to let him know about practical stuff around pickups- eg “Now X has started a new school, will you be dropping him off at the bus stop at 8.00, or directly to school at 8.30?”, and he won’t answer for days, while I get increasingly on edge and wonder if I’m going to have to dump all my weekend plans at the last minute for an emergency school dash. He does it because it’s the last tiny bit of control he has over me, and I’m sure your ex is being like this for precisely the same reasons. 😡

It's just hideous isn't it? I hadn't anticipated all of this at all but honestly, he's gotten worse since we split up. At one point I even thought I'd made a mistake in ending things because it actually wasn't as bad as this when we were together. Obviously I know that's not the right way to be thinking at all, that he's showing himself for the person he is, but it's come as such a shock.

It really is all about control and the fact that he has the audacity to gaslight me and say it's me that's controlling is just offensive at best. I have even spoken with the police about some of his behaviours which they've said it's clearly harassment and stalking but I keep trying, for sone reason, to "make nice" with him.

[Theunamedcat]

If he says your "controlling" laugh and say just let me know when your free

[Fernticket]

He is using your DS to control you. He wants to make things difficult so that you do not know where you stand. I am guessing that all this is having a negative effect on any social life that you have, which is precisely what he wants.......

[Cattitudes]

Would you consider getting a phone for your ds so he can use that to contact his dad when he wants to and his Dad can call him? You could have the same conditions- e.g. only in sitting room. Also means he can contact you if with his dad. That would mean that you are taken out of the arranging of phone calls. If he doesn't get an answer he will have to try again a different time.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Go to court and get a Child Arrangement Order. You can self represent it's really not expensive.

A CAO will specify dates and times of contact. Soon put a stop to this messing about. My ex did this all the time. Its about control, they see our lives as being there to facilitate them.

A judge will give him short shrift. Regular, consistent contact is in the child's best interests. At the very least a CAO means you cant be held to ransom

[Insidelaurashead]

OP sounds like he's a bit of a narcissist and honestly, you can't successfully coparent with a narc cos they just won't let it happen. I agree with the people saying court. Be aware he will start telling everyone you're doing X Y and Z to stop him seeing his child. Completely ignore

[Eralos]

Court order.

[BingBongToTheMoon]

@Willyoujustbequiet

Go to court and get a Child Arrangement Order. You can self represent it's really not expensive.

A CAO will specify dates and times of contact. Soon put a stop to this messing about. My ex did this all the time. Its about control, they see our lives as being there to facilitate them.

A judge will give him short shrift. Regular, consistent contact is in the child's best interests. At the very least a CAO means you cant be held to ransom

I agree, this needs legally laid out to him.

[Theunamedcat]

Court orders won't help anything he doesn't have to stick to them

[PumpkinsAndCats]

Yes don't bother with court order , only you have to stick to them , nothin g happens if he doesn't as no one can be forced to see their child, so it wouldn't be worth it .

[PeoniesGinandBags]

It really is having an impact on my life. It's not that I'm desperate to go "out out" or something but yes, the lack of planning and sticking to arrangements makes it impossible for me to have a life beyond work and being a Mum.

We had mediation and agreed this as how we'd work together but he's just being so unreasonable all the time. Even now dictating who I can be around when I have DC with me... certain friends are a no (male)