DB young fiancée

(119 Posts)
Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 08:53:44

Younger DB and I are in our late forties. As children we were very close. As adults less so as he became very bad tempered. Until this year he had never had a long term relationship. He often made comments about not wanting to tie himself down to a woman who would boss him around and get old. Despite his bad temper and occasional misogynistic comments he is not a bad person. He often admitted he wouldn’t make a good husband as he dislikes other people in his space and so would stay single. He was always good to my parents and to my DC. Recently, out of the blue, he has got engaged to a woman in her twenties - 20 years younger than we are. I barely know her yet. I’ve told him I’m happy for him and I am as I sometimes worried about him. However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children. A part of me also feels that while I dismissed his occasional misogynistic comments about women, especially older women, as just his general irritability, now it seems as if there may have been truth to it after all. As I am older than him I feel a little odd about it all. I’ll be happy for him but…any thoughts in general out there? I should be glad he’s ok and just let him get on with his life, shouldn’t I?

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LadyDanburysHat Wed 22-Sep-21 08:58:16

I would be more concerned about this young woman who has found herself attached to a much older misogynistic man. You say you don't know her, but it have you tried to get to know her. You honestly sound incredibly selfish.

brittleheadgirl Wed 22-Sep-21 09:02:46

To echo pp, you sound very self absorbed about what's going on.
Please make befriending this young women your priority, watch out for her, you know what a dick your brother can be, this shouldn't be all about you.

Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:03:21

She’s in her late 20s, beautiful, intelligent and educated. I’ve only recently been aware of the relationship but they know each other and their friends well. So I think she’s able to make her own decisions.

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Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:04:52

Also he is not at all violent or abusive.

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MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Wed 22-Sep-21 09:07:23

I think it's natural to be concerned about both your brother and his fiancée. Being with someone full time is difficult for people who are set in their ways and not especially tolerant of others. I'd also worry that he may also be a bit misogynistic. OTOH, she may be exactly what he needs and will drag him into the 21st century and get him out of an intolerant stance.
But like you, I'd feel a bit on edge about it - I'd worry what she saw in him, whether he's being taken advantage of in some way. And also if he'd be a good partner. Try and stay close, make an effort to meet up with him and stay present in his life.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Wed 22-Sep-21 09:08:54

I don't think you sound selfish btw. You love your brother, don't want to lose him in your life and have conflicting fears. That's all very normal to me

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UltimateBugKilla Wed 22-Sep-21 09:12:22

I dont think you sound selfish either, your concerned that this will come in the way of your relationship with your brother, and it won't, if you don't let it, let him be happy, include his girlfriend in things, she could become part of the closeness too.

SirChenjins Wed 22-Sep-21 09:17:05

You don’t sound selfish - but as this is AIBU you’ll get posters practically frothing at the mouth to be the first to hand you that tag on a plate.

I think it’s natural to feel uneasy when there’s a big age gap and even more so here in the context of his previous misogyny. There really isn’t much you can do (as I’m sure you know) other than get to know her better and hope it all works out for them. As time goes by hopefully it will become less of a ‘thing’ and you’ll all get used to them as a couple. I’d be surprised if he spends all of his time with her younger friends though - people in the 20s don’t tend to want someone of their parents’ age hanging about that often.

suspiria777 Wed 22-Sep-21 09:28:57

Whereartthou

Also he is not at all violent or abusive.

How would you know? He's hardly likely to tell you.

girlmom21 Wed 22-Sep-21 09:30:21

I don't think you sound selfish either. You're allowed to be a little sad that the dynamics of your relationship may change.

Be kind to her. Hopefully she'll modernise his way of thinking rather than him putting his misogynistic views into her.

ManifestDestinee Wed 22-Sep-21 09:31:25

However I feel sad that any residual closeness we had may now dissipate as he will focus on her and her much younger friends and eventually their much younger children

Or, he turns into much less of a dick than he is now, and you and her get to know each other and all spend more time together, not less.
Why wouldn't you be friends with each other?

Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:33:12

I would say that out of the two of them he is the more likely to be hurt, or at least would take it harder if it fell apart.
But yes, maybe selfishly, my main concern is for myself and the potential loss of what closeness we had left. DH also used to be all lovey dovey and is less so in past couple of years….that’s another story, but I suppose it all adds up and it’s just hitting me now that many men (not all) are only interested in younger women. Makes me worry for DD.

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Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:35:29

Yes, I’ll certainly try to stay close but will be conscious of being “older”. Although that’s my problem of course.

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Stompythedinosaur Wed 22-Sep-21 09:36:08

Which part of his misogynistic comments do you think might have been true?

Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:38:53

@stompythedinosaur
That women over 30 fall off a cliff in looks. That now I’m approaching 50 how does my DH feel about that? That he couldn’t stand to be told what to do by a woman.

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Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 09:39:35

Sorry, those are comments he’s made “in jest” but I think he means them.

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Keladrythesaviour Wed 22-Sep-21 09:42:29

Whereartthou

Yes, I’ll certainly try to stay close but will be conscious of being “older”. Although that’s my problem of course.

I had plenty of friends in their 40-60s when I was 20s. Still do now I'm 30s for that matter. Age really doesn't have the be relevant, especially if she is intelligent, educated and confident like you say! You might find whatever has enticed your brother also works for you (not in a sexual way, but she might be very charismatic!) So don't go into the relationship with pre conceived ideas of it not working out. If you immediately put on the cooling blocks, she probably will be cool and disconnected back. (Especially as she might be worried about family reception). Go into it positive and excited to meet the woman who has finally enticed your mysoginistic, grumpy brother to give up the single life!

Yummypumpkin Wed 22-Sep-21 09:43:32

You don't sound selfish to me at all. You sound very thoughtful.

You're also very self aware as to why this is upsetting.

All I can say as an older woman is that you genuinely stop caring what others think. Cultivate joy in yourself and lessen your sense of responsibility for others.

People saying you are responsible for your brother's fiancée are breathtaking!

In short, shallow people are a disappointment and live a sort of half life. But you sound much too self aware and strong to let them upset you.

Stompythedinosaur Wed 22-Sep-21 09:44:27

Of course women age as they get older, men do too. But he presumably knows his partner will also age?

I suppose the whole situation seems a bit sad and worrying for the young woman involved.

CreepingDeath Wed 22-Sep-21 09:49:13

Honestly, I think this is more about you and how you feel in yourself and your own relationship. I’m not saying your brother doesn’t sound like a jerk, he is! But his fiancé is an adult and has made her choice, however unpleasant ( a much older misogynistic husband doesn’t sound like a catch to me).

I do wonder if you grew up with a misogynist father figure? It would seem that your brother absorbed this attitude about women, but you may also have some internalised misogyny in how you view your worth as an older woman.

If you are having relationship problems that is another issue, the fact that you automatically assume it’s to do with your age and that your husband is suddenly going off you (as though you have sone sort of sell by date) is very telling.

HarrietsChariot Wed 22-Sep-21 09:51:45

I honestly don't see the problem here. Your brother has finally found someone he wants to settle down with. To me his comments like "he doesn't want a woman bossing him around" were a smokescreen, it was easier for him to deflect the reason for him being single than to confront the fact he hadn't found anyone.

The woman he's marrying is old enough to make her own decisions, yet young enough to divorce and find a new partner if this turns out to be a mistake.

TBH I do feel this is more about you, you've been so used to having him unattached that you are sad he will have someone in his life his entire focus is on.

PinkFootstool Wed 22-Sep-21 09:54:13

Your DB sounds delightful.... I'm not seeing anything in your OP about this close relationship you're worried about losing. You said you're not that close anymore.

Why would you lose any relationship just because he's engaged anyway? Will he turn his back on you? Have you tried to meet the fiancée yet? What are you actually worried about here?

honeylulu Wed 22-Sep-21 09:58:35

Ugh. Good luck to his fiancee.

It might be the making of him though. I've seen it happen before. Male friend from uni. Very much a man's man. Only interested in attractive blonde slim women. Was adamant he would never get married or have children. Would dump his (very nice) girlfriends once he got bored with them.

This all worked very well until he got to middle age and lost his own good looks, got fatter etc. Suddenly he didn't have his pick of young attractive women any more. He tried OLD but was still unwilling to compromise by dating women of his own age. The younger more attractive women weren't interested in casual dating a commitment phobic middle aged man. So he realised he had to offer something more. He did end up marrying a much younger woman in his 40s as she made clear she wouldn't stick around for less. We ribbed him a bit and he said well, he was still not going to have any children.

Guess what. Before too long they had a child. He was astonished to find that he loved family life and being settled.

Whereartthou Wed 22-Sep-21 10:02:09

honeylulu

Ugh. Good luck to his fiancee.

It might be the making of him though. I've seen it happen before. Male friend from uni. Very much a man's man. Only interested in attractive blonde slim women. Was adamant he would never get married or have children. Would dump his (very nice) girlfriends once he got bored with them.

This all worked very well until he got to middle age and lost his own good looks, got fatter etc. Suddenly he didn't have his pick of young attractive women any more. He tried OLD but was still unwilling to compromise by dating women of his own age. The younger more attractive women weren't interested in casual dating a commitment phobic middle aged man. So he realised he had to offer something more. He did end up marrying a much younger woman in his 40s as she made clear she wouldn't stick around for less. We ribbed him a bit and he said well, he was still not going to have any children.

Guess what. Before too long they had a child. He was astonished to find that he loved family life and being settled.

This is exactly him!!

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