PIL - did I go too far?

[2littleonesx]

So...my in laws, bizzare to say the least.
My parent was physically abused by his father growing up, he has metal plates in his hips (aged 11) and broken nose. When I first met him I thought why is he still in contact with his parents? And he said it was for his mum, who let her own children leave home at 16 to live in a hostal.
Anyway, I thought I would stand by him and do what I needed to do, so was nice to them, would visit when he wanted etc.
I had our first child 2019, now they NEVER came to visit us, the only time they see my DC is if we go there. I used to get texted when I was pregnant 'you don't bother with me' 'I'm left out' 'it's all about your family' - for context my mum died 10 years ago, my grandad passed away last year and I literally have my dad and my Nan. The only two who bother with ny DC.we've had nothing but trouble off of them, they lie, they stir, they've been rude to me on so many occasions, but again - I do it for my partner.
Fast forward to this year, I had my second baby. MIL said she would come up when I went in for my c section, got to the Friday before and she told me she was too busy now.
Didn't bother coming to meet their only granddaughter, my partner eventually took us down there when my daughter was 2 months old. I got told I apparently rub it in their faces that I post pictures of my kids??? If you're that bothered come up and see them. Why should it be us constantly going to them.
Anyway, she texted me a few weeks ago and asked when she was 'coming up for a drink' now I thought I would test her and said 'not until November but feel free to come up and see the children before'
Baring in mind she's never bothered coming before, so if instantly got my back up that she was asking because ir involved drink. She replied 'I let you know' which instantly gave me the right arse. I asked her out right why don't you two bother with your grandkids, I got told they're busy as they've just moved. But that doesn't excuse the other 2.5 years you haven't bothered with them.
My partner asked her if she would come up for a week and stay and just help with the kids as I'm working from home to give my Nan who is 77 a rest just for a few days. The reply was 'bring DC1 down here'. I just lost it and blew my top, you're happy enough to come up for a drink but not to see your grandkids, I just don't get it. So I went mad at them both and im completely done now.
AIBU, should I have just shut up and carried on as we were in a one sided abusive set up? My partner isn't pleased I stuck up and answered them.
Sorry it's long but feel like im crazy lol!!

[lazyarse123]

You did the right thing. Relationships should be a two way street.
I would have been done after your first child was practically ignored.
I know it's always trotted out on here but perhaps your dh could do with some counselling. That physical abuse sounds horrific.

[2littleonesx]

@lazyarse123 thanks so much for your reply. Tbh I think he needs some counselling too, it's not something he's wanting to do yet. Luckily it hasn't followed on the cycle. I just couldn't stand back anymore and let it all continue!

[Matilda82]

Did you mean your partner was abused by his parents when he was a child? If so, there's no way I would be letting them within a miles radius of my children . These people are not the Brady bunch and your children don't need them.

[2littleonesx]

@Matilda82 yes sorry I only just reread and saw I made a typo. Yes partner abused by his father.
I've never left them unattended ever, they've never seen them without me being there. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think they should be around my kids. Why would I drop my DC1 there for a week, the man couldn't even be trusted to look after his own kids let alone mine!

[Matilda82]

Absolutely.

[Matilda82]

It's rather handy they aren't interested in your children as that means there doesn't need to be any drama. Don't try and push a relationship with them, just make the most of the fact they don't care anyway.

[gofg]

I wouldn't be pushing for a relationship with them at all, and would be more than happy that they weren't bothering with my DC. What a toxic family - you are better off without them.

[AdriannaP]

Why do you want your children to be in touch with them at all? They are abusers.
My DP (parent) was abused and we saw DGP once a year for two hours and they lived 3 miles away!

[2littleonesx]

@Matilda82 that's so true, never even thought of it that way!!!
Least now I've got to say what I've held in for so long and that's the end of it! They don't bother anyway so not missing out on much are we! X

[2littleonesx]

@AdriannaP its not that I want my children involved, it's that they constantly hark on about how we don't bother. The thing I find difficult is that my partner still has a relationship with them and wanted my kids to - so to my mind there's either a two way street and it's full effort, or it's no contact at all.
I've never wanted my children to be involved with them, but my partner did and I was standing by him. My partner thought they had changed, but instead of being physically abusive it's now emotionally and mentally abusive, so I'm down now x

[2littleonesx]

*done now

[Withgasoliiiiine]

It won't have done them any harm whatsoever to hear that. I wouldn't be bothering with responding to messages much from now on though. They were atrocious, abusive parents and are now rubbish, lazy grandparents. You've tried but can't make them improve. Your kids are no worse off this way.

[Sparklfairy]

I can't believe you kicked off that they don't bother with your kids. I'd be thanking my lucky stars every single day that they had that attitude!

[Orangejuicemarathoner]

Why would you want your children to know them? Lucky escape if you can keep them out of your kids lives, I think

[Just10moreminutesplease]

You know they have been abusive towards a child before so you keep them the hell away from your children. That’s your job as their mum.

I feel for your husband who probably needs counselling but his wants don’t trump keeping your children safe.

[Matilda82]

Abusers don't change. Your partner has been conditioned by them and perhaps is still fearful of them and seeking their approval..it's a weird dynamic between abuser and the abused. The abused won't always see the situation as logically as those looking in.

[converseandjeans]

I think you've had a lucky escape if they're not making any effort. If they were abusive to your partner then perhaps he's hopeful they will be nicer to his children.

Honestly I would avoid them and try to build up friendships locally where you spend time together & help each other out. They're never going to be able to offer help and support if they can't be bothered to travel up to see a grandchild when it's just been born.

[spotcheck]

They are not able to firm healthy relationships. You know this
Lower your expectations.
You are expecting something from them that they cannot, and have never been able to give.

[Cherrysoup]

Stop contacting them. Your DP was so badly abused he has metal plates in his hips?? I would make zero effort to see them ever again.

[Keeva2017]

You are ridiculous for encouraging them in anyway to be part of your children’s lives. You ignore their comments and thank your lucky stars they aren’t interested.

Do better at prioritising your children over your need to for them not to “win” with their comments.

[Heronwatcher]

I seem to be reading so many threads recently where the OP freely admits that their in-laws or family are completely horrific, but then simultaneously complain that they’re not involved in their kids’ lives. As others have said be very grateful that you and your kids are out of it.

[BrisbaneandGone]

Does your 77 Yr old gran normally look after your kids? The bit about giving her a rest confused me

[BreatheAndFocus]

You’re lucky they’ve kept away from your DC. I wouldn’t want abusers near my DC - or near my partner actually. If he chooses to see them, then he should go to visit them at their house alone.

I don’t get why you’d want your MIL there for your C Section. Don’t feel obliged to be nice to them. You’ve tried for your partner’s sake but they can’t be arsed, so leave it now. I don’t think there’s much point messaging them back as they’ll twist things and you’ll never get a proper answer. If you feel they need to visit, offer a choice of 2 or 3 dates and times, and if they don’t turn up then that’s their problem not yours.

So no, YANBU to have a go at them but YABU to be concerned about them not visiting. I’d be very glad. Your priority is your DC much as your partner deserves your every sympathy. He still seems in thrall to them. Perhaps NC very low contact would be better for him too?

[hellywelly3]

Your partner isn’t strong enough to stand up to them they’re still abusing him in a different way. I think you need to get these people out your life before they do some really damage to your children, emotionally or physically. I’m really confused why you want them to spend time with your children