AIBU: OH family is draining me

[NewAndTired]

AIBU if I don't want to see my OH family every week?
Context me and OH don't live together currently but have got 9w old. We both live with our families. OH works a rolling shift pattern and has four days off every time his working week ends. He uses those days off to visit me and baby and to help out as I do it mostly alone the rest of the time!
Since baby was born, each time OH has his days off we have been staying at his families house. In the beginning I didn't mind as I wanted them to meet and bond with baby. However, 9w later I am starting to get frustrated and drained. I end up being more tired even though it's supposed to be when I can relax a little as OH is there to help! I don't get to catch up on what I need to do because I'm not home & end up more tired than if I was staying at my house. It has resulted in bickering every time I am there!
It also puts baby out of routine as they refuse naps (not a great napper anyway as too alert) and are constantly being fussed and held. If I try and take baby away for a feed/ nap/ quiet time I get a guilty feeling like they are not happy with me. Also had a situation with MIL not being happy that I didn't eat dinner at same time as them because it clashed with bath and bed time( I think baby routine should come first
They have also never offered to take babe to let me nap or have time to myself, I am expected to just watch them fuss him and be on hand for sick and crying
AIBU if I try to phase out staying there every time OH is off work? My thoughts is that they wouldn't see babe this much if we were living together (4days in every 10) so why am I made to feel they should see babe every time OH is free from work. We get no alone time and I end up more exhausted than usual!

[NumberTheory]

YANBU.

Have you talked about this with your OH?

Also, have you asked MIL or your own parents to watch your baby while you and OH go out? Or told OH you’re going out and leaving him (and PIL) with the baby while you’re staying with them? It often just needs you to be a bit proactive and thick skinned to start setting the boundaries you want.

[QueenBee52]

Screw that...

stop doing this NOW ... keep your own routine at home..

[NewAndTired]

OH is very aware that I am being drained being at his now. But I think he doesn’t want to upset family which I understand but instead it upsets me.
My family regularly offer to take baby so I can nap/ eat/ clean etc and OH has taken baby on his own too for a few occasions.
MIL is aware of this as my mum kept saying in the beginning to take help when offered etc and I told MIL about mums advice but there is no offers coming. I have taken myself off for naps with baby before but then I get snide comments, “we all didn’t make plans so we could spend time with babe but you were upstairs the whole time” kind of line.
We left DS with them for 10 mins to go to shop and back, he was fussy and crying whilst gone, fine when we left though, and had the classic he hasn’t stopped crying what a nightmare etc which makes me want to leave him with them even less.

[Billybagpuss]

No, he comes and stays with you and the baby and maybe just do Sunday lunch at his dp. It’s not working and it’s not going to get any better.

[CockSpadget]

As you said, they wouldn't be seeing your baby that much if you and OH had your own place, so don't feel guilty on that score. The visits are making you unhappy and fatigued and unsettling your little one, so you need to do what's best for you and him and put a stop to them. If they have yours and babies best interests at heart, they will totally understand, if they kick up a fuss, then they are clearly selfish and even more reason for you not to put yourself under such stress for them.

[NumberTheory]

“ I have taken myself off for naps with baby before but then I get snide comments, “we all didn’t make plans so we could spend time with babe but you were upstairs the whole time” kind of line”

This is nasty but you can just ignore it or respond with something along the lines of. - I appreciate you want some time with him, but we aren’t your entertainment. We’re here every 10 days and I’m not messing up the rest of our week each time. You need to fit around his needs as I do.

[PurpleDaisies]

You need to be able to just visit them instead of living with them for days at a time. I would go round there with the baby (or your oh taking the baby there for the day depending on if you’re breastfeeding/happy with that) for one day/afternoon/whatever and the rest of the time you’re at yours.

Are you looking to change your living arrangements so you and your oh live together?

Regarding them not offering to help-you have to be really clear and ask them for exactly what you want. They might say no but at least then you’ve got an answer rather than waiting for them to offer.

We left DS with them for 10 mins to go to shop and back, he was fussy and crying whilst gone, fine when we left though, and had the classic he hasn’t stopped crying what a nightmare etc which makes me want to leave him with them even less.

To be fair, a baby that won’t stop crying is a bit of a nightmare. I’m not sure it’s totally out of order to say so even though manners usually stop people from saying that out loud!

[Aquamarine1029]

Your partner's family getting upset is not your responsibility. Any tantrums they have can be dealt with by your partner. The only responsibility you have is taking care of yourself and your baby, and staying at their home isn't working.

[HadEnoughofOtherThreads]

Sounds very unsettling. You need to be in your own home, happy, relaxed and establishing your own routines/structure with your baby.

They sound selfish. You need to prioritise the well-being of you and your baby. Baby does not sound happy with the situation either. 9 weeks is no time. You and your OH need time to bond with the baby without baby constantly being passed around.
Are you a young Mum?

Your OH will have to stay with you or visit you and baby at your home when they’re not working.
Any reason why you’re unable to get your own place living together as a family unit, just the three of you?

[NewAndTired]

I moved back home start of pandemic when wfh to save money for a house. Unfortunately had to leave that job and house saving got put on hold, then our little surprise came along and this house hunting got paused even further! We'd live together in a heartbeat if we could!
Other issue is living just over an hour a part and I do not drive so it's hard to go just for a day.
I'm FTM and 24 so navigating a whole new life especially with some anxiety that I have can be difficult!
DS is EFB so I understand I need to be around to feed but would be nice to grab a nap in between but not have him so highly stimulated all of the time in between by family members

[Aquamarine1029]

The only reason this is a problem is because you're allowing it to be. You simply say no, you are not staying overnight at his family's home any longer. You are exhausted and the baby's routine is suffering. Your partner can drive you over for a daytime visit once a week.

[romdowa]

Not a hope would I be doing this every week. He visits you at your parents house , makes it far easier to keep yourself and the baby in a routine. Can you imagine doing this for years to come? It's madness

[QueenBee52]

this is really bad... you need to prioritise the needs of your child

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Sod that! He needs to be coming to yours as standard, and slotting into baby’s routine to help you.

Yes visits can happen to his family but in a normal “visit” way, eg a couple of hours in the afternoon.

[dreamingbohemian]

Why are you prioritising his family over you and your baby?

You need to start putting you and DC first. It's much better for both of you to stay at your house. OH can come to you, and perhaps you can go to his family for a day sometimes.

I understand you may feel guilty or selfish but it's actually a really important part of becoming a mum, putting your child and your own health first, so you should start getting used to that.

[Seesawmummadaw]

Why can’t he come to you?

[QueenoftheKarens]

Yeah sod that, he can come to you and baby.

I'd also encourage him to save as much as he can (like wise you) so you can move out and have your own home together.
It doesn't sound like a healthy environment at his families house for you or baby.

[TheSandgroper]

DP is being an idiot but is he fairly young too? He needs to learn to stand up to his parents.

Baby needs a home. One home and one home only. And that’s with you. Mum. At nine weeks we had the bedtime routine set in stone (baby led). Mucking about moving house twice per fortnight or whatever it is would have had my own dc extremely unsettled.

Don’t do it. Get into the habit of making the decisions that you think are the best for you and your baby only. Everyone else is your way or the highway.

[Row1n]

This sounds like a nightmare, even with lovely in laws its too unsettling for you and baby to be away from your home base so often. Is there space for dh to stay at yours instead?

Id put a stop to it asap and get dh to explain to his family why its not working and be firm

[Mumdiva99]

Wow you are amazing. I couldn't imagine how you have managed so far. At 9 weeks I still struggled to leave the house. My IL had only met baby twice and didn't see him again until 3 months old when we went to stay for 2 nights.

Your partner can managed the discussion with his family.

You need to prioritise you and baby for now. There will be time in the future to see lots of the inlaws. You are still navigating being a new mum.

[Cam001]

Well you've tried it and it isn't working for you, so don't be bossed around and treated like a child - you're a mother now. Just smile and say "The weekends at yours isn't working so I'll be staying at home from now but happy to visit on a day that suits you" and stick to your guns!

[Pipsquiggle]

YANBU. Stop this now.

Babies need routine and consistency not to be uprooted every 10 days. It's ridiculous. Your OH can come to you. Are they local? Couldn't you just pop round with DC rather than stay overnight there?

[Member984815]

This seems to be a boundary issue , stay at home that's a lot of back and forth for a young baby who needs routine . Make life easier for yourself by putting a stop to it now

[pelosi]

II would just stop the visits completely.

Can OH stay with you?

If in laws want to see baby, they need to come to you.

Do in laws feed you and make room for you?

[Burnamer]

Fuck that OP. Don’t phase it out, just stop going.
Make whatever excuses you need - covid symptoms, baby isn’t well, midwife appointment, whatever but just stop. You need to put you and your baby first and this is in neither of your best interests.