To think they handled this really badly and be really annoyed

[NcButBeenHereAges]

WARNING talk of children and porn/sex

I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable and should just stay out of it or whether I should say something to DH about this.

I have a DSS who is 11 (nearly 12 actually). Basically my husband's ex rang him yesterday absolutely horrified that she'd found him watching porn on his phone, she was fuming so was DH who went over there and told him off.

When he came back and told me about it I just felt really angry for DSS and like they both handled it fucking appallingly.

DH (and his ex, I saw the messages as they were talking again about it later she was sending DH copies of what he'd been watching to show how awful it was (I know lots of people don't agree with porn but it wasn't anything "out there" but I appreciate seeing your child watching it can be upsetting) was going on about how sick it made him feel because he was far too young, how does he even know what it is, must be his friends who encouraged it, maybe he shouldn't hang out with them anymore, DSS isn't allowed his phone anymore, is grounded and so on...

Basically just going on as if the poor kid had committed some awful sin.

I tried to say to DH that he's getting older and he will start to want to explore this and maybe he needs to actually speak to him about sex but he thinks this is ridiculous and disgusting and far too young.

I've come away from the conversation actually really upset for DSS who was apparently mortified that his Mum had told his Dad who'd turned up and was crying. I think they've really fucked this up and missed a perfectly good opportunity to have "the talk" in a positive way with him.

I appreciate it's probably none of my business but I'm really annoyed with DH and thinks he needs to deal with the fact his son is not a baby anymore and will start to grow up in this way and not take that out on him.

I think he needs to fix this and try again. AIBU to tell him I think he handled this so wrong and stand up for DSS?

I've been here a while so I know this subject may cause people to question this situation but this is 100% true and I'm really, really annoyed about it.

[StylishMummy]

I think YANBU but you have the opportunity to view this as one step removed. As a parent, my instinct is to protect my child and I'd consider porn a 'threat' at that age.

You absolutely should talk to your DH about his damaging DSS's attitude to sex/porn by shaming him... but I can see why they reacted this way.

[QueenoftheKarens]

So your partner turned up crying? YANBU. They've handled it appallingly, your Partner is a massive drama Queen by the sounds of things.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

Sorry no my partner didn't turn up crying that wasn't clear.

My SS was crying because he was upset that his Dad knew and was angry at him/had turned up.

[TheHouseIsOnFire]

You’re right of course - this is a teaching moment but all they’ve taught him is to hide his sexuality and be ashamed of it. Way to go!

Not sure how he can undo this now even with another talk - they’ve already shown him that he should feel ashamed and embarrassed about it. I get that some porn is unethical etc but sadly we live in a world where it’s easily accessible to everyone and unless/until that changes the better approach would surely be to talk about enthusiastic consent and degradation of women etc to try and steer him towards healthier choices of viewing material.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

@StylishMummy

I think YANBU but you have the opportunity to view this as one step removed. As a parent, my instinct is to protect my child and I'd consider porn a 'threat' at that age.

You absolutely should talk to your DH about his damaging DSS's attitude to sex/porn by shaming him... but I can see why they reacted this way.

Honestly I do appreciate how it's much easier for me to see this how I am. I understand (am a mum to a boy myself!) how the gut reaction would be how they have reacted. However, I just wish they'd taken a step back first before going in guns blazing like this. And DH still doesn't see it any other way than how he did.

I just feel like my poor SS is going to end up with some sort of issue around this now when it's normal and he shouldn't be made to feel like he has been.

[StopPickingMyCherries]

Bloody hell, that poor child must be mortified. It's perfectly normal for him to be curious
Personally I just ignored it. My children are entitled to some privacy, especially important as they hit those teenage years

[NcButBeenHereAges]

I just think DH needs to wake up a bit. He was talking as if SS was 5, things like "How does he even know what it is?!"

There was even talk at one point in the conversation of how it must be an older kid who'd shown him because otherwise he'd have had no idea about sex at all and they needed to find out who it was

[HoppingPavlova]

The thing though is that porn these days is not ‘normal’. It’s far from kids sneaking a peak at a Playboy magazine as it was back in the day.

Personally, I’m with your DH. I don’t believe it’s okay at all. I believe the vast majority of performers in porn are exploited. I wouldn’t want to encourage my kids that this was normal or okay. I’m sceptical about true ethical porn and if it really does exist, I really doubt it’s what teenagers are watching? So, I’m team DH, it’s not okay and that’s what we have drummed into our kids. There are real people on the other end of that screen and they quite likely have mental health and/or addiction issues along with a whole other range of stuff. Give them some material from ex-porn performers who tell their own personal stories to show the realities and that it is not okay to support this.

[crazyguineapiglady]

@StopPickingMyCherries

Bloody hell, that poor child must be mortified. It's perfectly normal for him to be curious
Personally I just ignored it. My children are entitled to some privacy, especially important as they hit those teenage years

What

You ignored your 11 year old watching porn?

Is this some kind of crap parenting brag post?

[NcButBeenHereAges]

And you know if what they were saying was "it's normal to be curious but porn it's unethical because of X Y or Z" I'd be totally with you.

But that's not what their issue was. Their issue wasn't with the fact porn is unethical or exploits women. It was with the fact that their son was interested in sex and the fact he is FAR too young in their opinion to even know what it is or to be curious about it.

Which, imo, is incorrect.

I'm not suggesting he's encouraged to watch porn. But he shouldn't be made to feel like being curious is something really wrong or he's been "naughty" for wanting to know.

What do we expect our children to do if they feel like they can't ask us about it? As if my SS is now going to want to ask his Dad questions if he's curious after this? If we make our kids feel like this then obviously they are likely to turn to something like porn!

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

Totally agree with you op. They both totally ducked that conversation up

[NcButBeenHereAges]

And I think first time is not the time to be shouting at and grounding anyone/making them cry either.

Surely you have the unethical talk and say you don't want them watching it and then if they carry on you begin disciplining afterwards?

[Steeple]

@HoppingPavlova

The thing though is that porn these days is not ‘normal’. It’s far from kids sneaking a peak at a Playboy magazine as it was back in the day.

Personally, I’m with your DH. I don’t believe it’s okay at all. I believe the vast majority of performers in porn are exploited. I wouldn’t want to encourage my kids that this was normal or okay. I’m sceptical about true ethical porn and if it really does exist, I really doubt it’s what teenagers are watching? So, I’m team DH, it’s not okay and that’s what we have drummed into our kids. There are real people on the other end of that screen and they quite likely have mental health and/or addiction issues along with a whole other range of stuff. Give them some material from ex-porn performers who tell their own personal stories to show the realities and that it is not okay to support this.

This. It isn’t OK. My ‘teaching moment’ would have been that watching porn is not a victimless crime, that it involves the exploitation of the performers, and contributes to the brutalisation of girls and women in general, who are having sex with boys and men who think rough anal and choking is routine.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

My ‘teaching moment’ would have been that watching porn is not a victimless crime, that it involves the exploitation of the performers, and contributes to the brutalisation of girls and women in general, who are having sex with boys and men who think rough anal and choking is routine

That would be a great teaching moment and if this is what they'd done I'd be thinking how well they'd handled it. But it isn't and it wasn't what they were taking issue with!

[Hargao]

I have a child of a similar age and I'd be really concerned if they were looking at porn. It's not 'normal' at this age and I'd be worried that there was some abuse or some other way my child was at risk that they were looking.

Googling naughty words, yes. Actively watching porn, concerning.

That said, I would have been screaming and shouting, I would be trying to work out what was going on.

[StopPickingMyCherries]

Not a crap parent boast at all. You wait until the time is right for discussion.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

@StopPickingMyCherries

Not a crap parent boast at all. You wait until the time is right for discussion.

I agree.

I'm not suggesting they should just let him get on with it and say nothing.

I just don't think it's abnormal for a young teen (he's a month off being 12), to start being curious about this sort of thing. And acting like being curious is something to be ashamed of/grounded over/insisting they are too young etc... Is just silly imo.

DH may feel he's too young, but he obviously knows about it either way so surely the best thing to do would be to have a calm conversation? Insisting he's too young won't turn the clock back now will it.

[gailplattshairbrush]

I don't think I would be happy about my son watching porn at that age purely because it can be damaging, exploitive and isn't really a true reflection of real sex. I would be concerned about his future impression of sex if this was his first encounter of seeing it iyswim.

However I think it's perfectly healthy for a kid that age to be curious and your dh and his ex have totally embarrassed and shamed him. He will likely never open up to them or ask questions again as they have effectively punished him for being sexually curious.

The right way to handle this IMO wouldn't have been to fly off the handle but to address the fact that porn isn't an accurate representation of real sex and give him a bit of privacy. There's a lot of disturbing and dangerous stuff on the internet so maybe some subtle parental restrictions may be needed. But let's be blunt...adolescent boys wank...a lot. It's not something they should be shamed and told off for.

[mumsie8]

Through an app on my sons phone we found out he'd been searching for porn.
I had the conversation with him whereby i simply stated that i felt he was too young to be trying to access content such as that and that it was in no way a true reflection on what actually happens between couples in a loving relationship and was explotative and not always ethical.
That was it.
I didn't make a big deal out of it nor did I try to shame him for it. He went a bit red (naturally) and said 'ok'.
I'm not naive enough to think it's not something he will ever do again but i planted that seed that it isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hopefully that will guide him and help inform his future choices. That's all i can hope for ultimately.

[ElvisPresleyHadABaby]

It's not harmless though, it will alter his brain development.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24871202/

[LondonElle]

In hindsight and in your opinion they could have acted differently but they were clearly upset and embarrassed and tried to sort the situation out in their own way.
I would have no idea how I would act, it would definitely concern me and I would feel the need to reprimand my son, I would also try and educate him but I guess with feelings running high it's hard to get these things right all the time.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

I'm really not suggesting he should be encouraged to watch porn, I absolutely agree that a conversation should be had about the ethics and exploitation issues.

But I don't think shaming him for being curious is the right thing to do nor is it the right thing to think you can just punish the curiousity out of him!

Porn may not be harmless, but a young teen being curious about sex is completely normal and as a parent, I feel DH needs to get over his own upset around his son growing up (because that was his issue, not the porn), and have a proper conversation with him with no shouting and punishments.

[NcButBeenHereAges]

I know he's not my son so obviously his parents can deal with it how they see fit but my husband is my husband so I do feel I should be able to bring this up with him if I don't agree with him? That was more of the point of the AIBU I guess.

It's not my place to have a conversation with DSS obviously and I wouldn't ever do that. But I do care about him and I feel upset for him

[Queenoftheashes]

I just want to chip in to say my uncle went nuts when his son was watching (gay) porn and his son, who is 14 no longer, has anything to do with him.

[billy1966]

Way to go to really humiliate a child.

I am very anti porn myself but I approached it very softly, softly with my boys.

I talked about normal curiosity, respect for women, how it is not good for young men to watch it, unrealistic modelling of relationships and as they got older I explained the "death grip" that I read on here and that a female doctor confirmed is indeed an issue with young men.

Denial of porn and natural curiosity doesn't change the facts.

Dealing with the sad reality of it and speaking about respect for women was my priority.

Poor boy.
They both sound utterly hysterical.🙄