To have had enough of sex?!

[PandaEyed13]

Back story: Sex! Me and hubby started out the way most young people do - couldn't get enough! Day, night and anything in-between!

Present day: It's 11 years, 2 children, a house to run and 2 full time jobs later! I'm knackered, I really am! The old libido isn't what it used to be and it's because of a mix of things really - I had a difficult birth with my 2nd baby 4 years ago, I had a forceps delivery and an episiotomy, there was a lot of stitches, a long healing time and a lot of scar tissue, sex has only just started to stop feeling tender down there over the last year. Plus I'm older, a bit creakier, a teeny bit heavier, a lot sleepier and juggling a few different roles; I'm wife, mum, employee, carer as our youngest has special needs, cook, cleaner and so many others that the role of minx just doesn't feel like it's really me anymore - and I'm ok with it! The problem isn't the actual act itself, it's not boring or flat when we do it, it's great! The bottom line on the topic really is that I just don't need it as much anymore, I don't get as much as I used to get from it when I was 23 and to be honest..as bad as it sounds..once a month would suit me down to the ground!
However, DH would have it every night if he could, his own drive is much higher. So I do try! Nowadays, it's twice a week. That's not the problem though, the problem is he pesters every night. Literally every night, as soon as the kids have gone to bed, while I'm sat there on the couch watching TV at 8:30pm, it starts! Every night.
He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!
He refuses to take matters into his own hands (excuse the pun), as in, he will not 'self love' if you know what I mean, because apparently that is my job! He says it's naff and that it's like hoping for a takeaway pizza and having to settle for cheese on toast!
Any time a saucy scene comes on the TV he huffs and makes some sarky remark like "hmm wonder what that's like!" or "I wouldn't know mate!" I spend most evenings getting ignored, getting the cold shoulder and alone, as he stomps off to sit in the other room and sulk.
I'm beginning to become resentful. I'm finding myself relenting and doing it anyway on times when I really just don't want to. I don't think any of the way he acts towards me in these moments of what he believes to be rejection is acceptable. I feel like we're constantly walking shaky ground that wobbles between emotional blackmail and sexual harassment! He doesn't talk to anyone about these things, he tells nobody because apparently this just isn't the sort of thing mates talk about, so I feel like there's nobody to say to him, "best not treat her like shit because you didn't get it, that's straddling a line there mate/love/dear!" I'm the only one who ever tells him it's not OK to act this way because you didn't get some, but he obviously just thinks I'm talking crap as I'm the one on the opposing side of his argument and calls me a boring old housemaid!
In less charged moments, we have talked and I have been totally honest about how I feel about it all personally. I've openly explained I just don't have as high a drive as him anymore and told him my reasons, but promised to make more effort to meet his needs if he felt like physical connection is a more important part of the relationship to him. And I do, as I say - twice a week is me reeeaaally giving it my all. He in return vows to lay off a bit more and to possibly see to himself on occasions, because in these less charged moments of daylight clarity, he does feel mortified at how his behaviour looks towards me when he gets like he does. But the next day, as soon as the kids have gone up, it's all forgotten again and it's back to the mithering for it like a teenage boy and sulking and freezing me out and slamming drawers and doors!
In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill. Great dad, good laugh, works hard, my family and friends love him, pulls his weight round the house. We're the absolute best of friends and we adore being with each other, we'd be together every minute if we could. I have no trust issues or worry and have 100% confidence that his head will never be turned or that he'll go looking elsewhere! But there's this private problem that is threatening to swallow everything else up and I honestly do believe that it would eventually be a relationship ender some day down the line should things continue the way they are, because I'm at my limit! I don't want to feel pressured/cajoled/bullied into doing the deed when I don't want to anymore! I'm starting to ask myself difficult questions about the acceptability of his behaviour and whether or not I'm experiencing some form of manipulation!
And I know I'm lucky to still have my partner want and desire me so much after all these years, I do factor that in but it's started to become a question of "does he want ME or does he just want IT?" Especially the last couple of years, he's always had a high sex drive but it's been something else over the last couple of years, it's become next level desperation almost!
I guess what I think at this point is that if he still has a sky high drive, and I don't, and I'm trying, but he still has a daily need - he should go take a long shower! I don't think I should be 100% responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Seriously, just back off and go have 10 minutes to yourself! AIBU?

[44PumpLane]

Other than the daily huffing I couod have written your post OP.

I don't get the daily huff but get the monthly argument instead.

It sucks when sex drives change and become misaligned. And wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just flip a switch and have it back..... But it doesn't work that way.

I have no solutions for you but I do have 100% sympathy!

[LifesNotEnidBlyton]

"He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!"

"In every other aspect of life and our relationship he's brill."

So in the few hours between what, lunch and the kids bedtime, when you're presumably not even together because he/you are at work he stops being a controlling, abusive, sex pest and goes back to being a normal human and father who doesn't have a toddler sized tantrum when his wife won't give him an orgasm that he CBA to do himself?

YANBU, but this is so bad that what you can do about it isn't much. You've tried talking to him like an adult. He knows how you feel. He doesn't care.

You obviously don't want to break up your family over this. But it might be your only choice if you don't want to have this happen five nights a week until his sex drive cools down (and that might not even happen, some peoples doesn't).

I don't know how you even make yourself do it twice a year, forget twice a week. The problem might not even be that your sex drive has gone down, it might just be that you don't want to have sex with someone who treats you like a sex doll and has a toddler tantrum when she gets put away.

It's up to you if you dont want to leave him, and understandable you don't want to do it to your kids, but living with this every day isn't something I'd be doing. No way would I be giving him it twice a week when he did this the days I didn't, so all I can say is you could try not giving it to him, and when he stops doing this (if he even does....) then if you want to you do it again but stop when he starts doing this the days you don't.

[GoodnightGrandma]

Have you told him that him pawing at you, and constantly mentioning it, is actually a turn off ?
Maybe if he tried stopping this it might help.

[BreadPita]

It sounds like twice a week of "duty sex" isn't doing the job for him.
Sex is about more that mechanical release and it's easy to see what would be "missing" from his perspective, with your current setup.
If masturbation was an adequate substitute for sex with a woman who is attracted to him, I imagine that's what he would stuck with in the first place.
It's not a fault on either of your parts, you're just mismatched. It will work itself out with him either having a (hopefully discreet) affair or your relationship ending.

[Sparklfairy]

You are not a wank sock.

Tell him that every time he sulks, its so unattractive it'll be even longer before you shag him again.

Or just ltb. I would.

[millymollymoomoo]

He’s a sex pest
Tell him literally piss off
And that if he doesn’t stop you’ll leave
Couldn’t live with this

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

No one likes a sex pest!

[Gorl]

Christ, what a cunt!

I’d be threatening divorce over this. I know that sounds drastic but the thought of being married to someone who only respected me and treated me fairly if I was fulfilling his sexual needs every time he snapped his fingers makes me heave.

[FooFighter99]

I had/have this exact issue with DH. Together 14 years, married 10 years, 2 kids, a dog, fulltime jobs, busy lives, weight gain on my part and always bloody tired means that I have nearly 0 sex drive while DH still acts like we have just got together and should still be at it 24/7 (which I guess is flattering, but like you OP, I wonder does he want ME or IT??)

I came across a similar thread on here, where the OP likened her DP to a sex pest and felt like he was being sexually abusive - I sent it to DH and said he was making me feel the same way. The constant pawing and sulking was a MASSIVE TURN OFF and if he didn't start to take my feelings into consideration then we were heading for divorce

He balked, hadn't realised just how inappropriate he was being towards me and made massive efforts to rectify the situation (his behaviour)

Now I try and make more of an effort, because whilst I'm rarely in the mood, once we do "get going" I always enjoy it and I genuinley love the bones of him and do not want to separate. It's also unfair to expect him to go without

Not sure what more you can do though @PandaEyed13 as you've already tried talking to him and the change is short-lived maybe spell it out to him - stop being a sex pest or you'll leave

[yellowdigsaur]

Honestly, I'd rather be on my own than navigate this exhausting, emotionally draining life you are describing. Spending every night being pawned at / moaned out / emotionally blackmailed or just have sex to shut him up when you don't want it - none of this will mean your marriage lasts. Just get out now while you've still got some years left to be happy.

I can't believe for 1 minute he's lovely all during the day but at kids bedtime, turns in to a sulking sex pest.

[skybluee]

His behaviour is disgusting.

Sit down and talk to him about it or show him your post.

[Florasteddy]

@BreadPita

It sounds like twice a week of "duty sex" isn't doing the job for him.
Sex is about more that mechanical release and it's easy to see what would be "missing" from his perspective, with your current setup.
If masturbation was an adequate substitute for sex with a woman who is attracted to him, I imagine that's what he would stuck with in the first place.
It's not a fault on either of your parts, you're just mismatched. It will work itself out with him either having a (hopefully discreet) affair or your relationship ending.

I'll assume you're either a man or my mother

[Tal45]

@BreadPita

It sounds like twice a week of "duty sex" isn't doing the job for him.
Sex is about more that mechanical release and it's easy to see what would be "missing" from his perspective, with your current setup.
If masturbation was an adequate substitute for sex with a woman who is attracted to him, I imagine that's what he would stuck with in the first place.
It's not a fault on either of your parts, you're just mismatched. It will work itself out with him either having a (hopefully discreet) affair or your relationship ending.

Really? You didn't know people could enjoy sex and masturbation? How strange.

[ftw163532]

Coerced sex is rape. He is a rapist.

I don't think you are lucky actually.

[BrendaBubbles]

He sulks like a child and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night on the ones that I say "not tonight dear." I do not over exaggerate, he does not talk to me until well into the next day!

LTB. LTB. LTB.. This is extremely abusive. Okay, if it happened a few times when he was particularly wound up, fine.. but every night of your life? You can't tolerate this.

This isn't going to go away if his drive is rattling him that much, so even if you don't end up leaving him, be prepared to turn a blind eye to dalliances.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Hes not very sexy is he.
But youre not aligned sexually so you may as well not be together.

Your H doesnt want to live without sex. You do want to live without sex. Youre not aligned.

[Brokensunflower]

This is really tough. It's not nice for you to feel pestered and unable to relax and he really needs to know that.

However, I also not great to want sex with your partner and be denied it. It is really hard being in a marriage where your sexual needs aren't beinget.i think you need a really honest chat with him and see how you meet in the middle

[thepeopleversuswork]

OP I don't think the issue is that you've had enough of sex, its that you've had enough of your husband. Which is perfectly reasonable as he's a lazy, entitled, sex pest.

I'd put money on the suggestion that you would enjoy sex if it weren't with him. And frankly I'd recommend it.

Either you sit him down and read him the riot act that his behaviour is a HUGE turnoff and he's never getting laid again if he slams doors and sulks. Or you leave.

Not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

[Quartz2208]

SO much of this is framed as being just your issue and it isnt. His behaviour is as much of the issue and the problem is the more you relent the more it puts you off.

THere seems to be no understanding of how his behaviour affects you at all and you are right to be at the end of your limit.

Tell him this

But there's this private problem that is threatening to swallow everything else up and I honestly do believe that it would eventually be a relationship ender some day down the line should things continue the way they are, because I'm at my limit! I don't want to feel pressured/cajoled/bullied into doing the deed when I don't want to anymore! I'm starting to ask myself difficult questions about the acceptability of his behaviour and whether or not I'm experiencing some form of manipulation!

Because it is manipulation, he is being selfish and he is being sexually coercive and that just isnt on. His behaviour isnt acceptable and it should be a relationship ender

And the sulking just isnt on - he is behaving because he doesnt get his own way. Does he even grasp what that is - that he is sulking because he doesnt get to have sex with someone who at that moment simply doesnt want it and refuses to do it himself. So what if it is settling for cheese on toast -- there is nothing wrong with that.

[loopylindi]

How can you say 'yes' if you can't say 'no'?

[Keladrythesaviour]

Have you tried the shock factor?
"You want sex with me right now, yes?"
"Yes"
"I don't want sex with you right now ... Would you still like me to have sex with you?"
He either goes yes.. in which case you say "would you like to rape me now, because that's what you're asking to do"
Or he says no, but sulks in which case you say "you sulking is co-ercion. If you sulk, and I say yes to stop you sulking, that's me having sex I didn't want to have - would you like to rape me?"

Co-erced consent is not consent. Men need to know this.

[JSL52]

How can you say your relationship is 'brill' ?
It's clearly not if you're worried about this every night ?
Does it matter if he 'pulls his weight' - so he should.

[GiantHaystacks2021]

I'd rather be single forever than put up with that.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@JSL52

How can you say your relationship is 'brill' ?
It's clearly not if you're worried about this every night ?
Does it matter if he 'pulls his weight' - so he should.

This. Your relationship is not brill.

With great respect to you OP as he is being very manipulative, this is all kinds of wrong and you've clearly lived with this so long you've lost perspective on it.

No one who coerces you into sex and does nothing at all to support you is "brill". This is not what a good relationship looks like and you don't have to tolerate it.

If he can't me made to understand this sharpish, you need to leave.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

It would have been relationship ending for me long ago in your shoes OP!

Must be awful never to be able to relax in your own home after a long day.