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AIBU?

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:

Report

EmeraldShamrock · 18/09/2021 16:59

Hmm I'd be a bit miffed.

romdowa · 18/09/2021 17:00

No harm in asking but I do hope you told him not to bother coming to yours later.

kurtney · 18/09/2021 17:00

You weren't unreasonable to ask but he wasn't unreasonable to say no either.

Just forget about it, although I would wonder why you're so anxious over such a small thing.

Chloemol · 18/09/2021 17:02

Well now you know what he thinks do t you

And I would be telling him not to worry about seeing me later it’s not going to happen

RoseGoldGlasses · 18/09/2021 17:07

@kurtney

You weren't unreasonable to ask but he wasn't unreasonable to say no either.

Just forget about it, although I would wonder why you're so anxious over such a small thing.

I was going to say similar tbh.
He probs just wanted some time with his friends

RampantIvy · 18/09/2021 17:09

Have you been to his place before?

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:09

@RampantIvy

Have you been to his place before?

Many many times! A couple of times a week.

OP posts:

backtolifebacktoreality · 18/09/2021 17:10

Have you met these friends before? Do they know about you?

Sapphire387 · 18/09/2021 17:10

I think his behaviour is a bit odd. If it had been a guys' night, I get it. But a mixed group including their girlfriends? I don't think he sees you as his girlfriend.

galacticpixels · 18/09/2021 17:11

Since his friends girlfriends were there, I would have expected him to invite you off his own back, and definitely wouldn't have expected him to say no.

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:12

@backtolifebacktoreality

Have you met these friends before? Do they know about you?

Only his housemate (many times and we get in great). I assumed the rest know I exist but maybe they don't.

OP posts:

Rewis · 18/09/2021 17:12

In your late 30's you shouldn't play the games. Give off cool girl persona (I hate this word) and be wo during if it's OK to text.

You asked and he answered. His answer was no (which is his right but a bit weird if others brought their partners) but there is no need for you to be embarrassed. Show him the real you, communicate how this made you feel. If it's a turn off then you are not meant to be.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 17:13

He can still really like you but just wanted time with his frienda. Doesn't matter some girlfriend was there. That doesn't mean ALL partners must be there.
I had this with my DH not so long ago. His night wrapped up, I said "no just i will meet you at home, go and chill, we are chatting shit and you would be bored of us quickly". I still like him...

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:13

@Annoyedanddissapointed

He can still really like you but just wanted time with his frienda. Doesn't matter some girlfriend was there. That doesn't mean ALL partners must be there.
I had this with my DH not so long ago. His night wrapped up, I said "no just i will meet you at home, go and chill, we are chatting shit and you would be bored of us quickly". I still like him...

This is good perspective, thank you.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 18/09/2021 17:14

It's fine, it's a new relationship and he's spending time with his friends.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/09/2021 17:14

I don't think he did anything except tell the truth. His evening was still in progress so why did you think you could crash it uninvited? Your friends gave you bad advice and unfortunately you took it.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/09/2021 17:15

Later as in middle of the night for a shag?

There is a reason he wants to keep you away from his friends. You need to find out what it is

justthecat · 18/09/2021 17:15

That’s his choice but he wouldn’t be coming to mine afterwards

Humblpi · 18/09/2021 17:15

Bit weird you succumb to peer pressure at 30+ - do what YOU, want to do from now on. I'd be a bit curious as to why he didnt want me to join in at his tbh.

OneTC · 18/09/2021 17:16

Bit odd imo. Not necessarily saying it's suspicious but it's a strange way to treat your partner, especially if it's a mixed crowd.

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 17:17

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Later as in middle of the night for a shag?

There is a reason he wants to keep you away from his friends. You need to find out what it is

No! We're spending the day together tomorrow so we always stay together on a Saturday night. We were together for much of the day today too. It's definitely not just sex.

I do understand that people will read that and say 'well of course he wants some time away then', which is exactly why I didn't want to ask him in the first place, but a whole room full of friends couldn't understand why I was heading home and not on to his gathering, which is why I did.

OP posts:

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 17:18

I don't think something as simple as this is actually a helathy topic for MN @darylhannah because as long as he has a penis he is always a devil incarnate and there is some horrible motive behind everything including what milk he drinks😂

Just relax. 😁You are all allowed to have different groups and spend time with them separately. Plans sometimes change for one, but thag doesn't necessarily have to change plan for the other. Saying no also doesn't mean that someone doesn't like the other. Boundaries and independence are very important to keep.

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Rozziie · 18/09/2021 17:18

@romdowa

No harm in asking but I do hope you told him not to bother coming to yours later.

Why??! That's so immature and passive aggressive. He was with his friends, he wanted to spend time with them...so what?

ShaneTheThird · 18/09/2021 17:18

Ops friends didn't give bad advice. Jfc as an adult it's totally normal to ask to join in under these circumstances.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 17:20

@ShaneTheThird

Ops friends didn't give bad advice. Jfc as an adult it's totally normal to ask to join in under these circumstances.

Nothing bad in asking and nothing bad in saying no.
Totally normal event, isn't it

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