To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

(221 Posts)
HereHeGoes Sat 18-Sep-21 14:42:43

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

OP’s posts: |
WoozySnoozy Sat 18-Sep-21 14:45:02

I would just say "don't worry I left her with her aunt" and leave it at that. Then ask people to stop putting pictures of her on Facebook.

Cherrysoup Sat 18-Sep-21 14:45:06

Honestly, don’t respond except if you’re going tell him how often your dd sees your aunt. Does he not know who she is?

WoozySnoozy Sat 18-Sep-21 14:45:22

And no, YANBU to go swimming

Bobsyer Sat 18-Sep-21 14:45:42

Well yes, childcare is your responsibility at this time but YOU CANCELLED SEEING YOUR OWN CHILD. This person might be a stranger to you but she’s not a stranger to me or your daughter.

Incidentally - have a word with yourself.

mbosnz Sat 18-Sep-21 14:46:00

I'd be telling him, 'not your circus mate, so not your monkeys. Mind your own, there's a pet'.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:01

First of all no, yanbu to go swimming. Everyone deserves a bit of me time and yours was already booked when he changed the plans. Do not feel guilty about this at all.
Secondly, the best answer will be to ignore his text. Silence is golden and he does not deserve a response. The only communication between you should be about arrangements for your dd.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and don’t give him another thought flowers

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Brollywasntneededafterall Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:07

Glad dd had a great time with her daunt seeing as her df let her down

Post this ^

LolaO Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:18

Your ExH is being a controlling knob. You know that of course, but sometimes it’s nice to hear it from someone else! Your daughter had a lovely time with a relative you trust, and you were able to exercise and recharge - obviously YANBU! I’m not good at snappy comebacks (many others are) but suspect he’s looking for a reaction so might be inclined to ignore him…

Bobsyer Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:25

I am in such a bad mood right now and this has riled me.

A stranger to him isn’t necessarily a stranger to you and your daughter, and he loses any high ground when she’s only there because he cancelled contact! He didn’t have any in the first place so now he’s just digging a fucking hole. Tell him to know his fucking place as a shitty part time dad.

choli Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:42

Ignore, don't reply.

BlackShadowCat Sat 18-Sep-21 14:47:54

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

What a dick!!

Every parent needs some down time sometimes. Of course you aren't unreasonable.

I'd just ignore his text as he's obviously just trying to provoke a reaction from you. Make sure you keep all his texts. I suspect they will escalate if you don't give him the attention he is looking for.

BluebellsGreenbells Sat 18-Sep-21 14:48:09

I wouldn’t bother

Reply with sarcasm and he knows he’s wound you up
Reply and say it was his weekend and tough - he knows he’s wound you up

And for god sake do not justify your life to him! It doesn’t matter if you swim every day or go out on the piss - it’s not his business

Mandalordeloris Sat 18-Sep-21 14:49:10

I honestly think the best thing to do (and the thing that would piss him off the absolute most) is to ignore his message completely and don't respond at all.

Your daughter is with you I presume, he doesn't need to be contacting you.

BettysGotMoxie Sat 18-Sep-21 14:49:24

‘X isn’t a stranger to us’ and leave it at that. No explanation needed, he didn’t see fit to give you and your child one when he bailed on his time with them 🤷‍♀️

AuntieStella Sat 18-Sep-21 14:49:55

I think the right thing to do is ignore.

But I'd want to reply breezily

'Yes, it's a shame you cancelled contact, but DD is looking forward to seeing you regular time week after next. I'm surprised you didn't recognise Auntie X in the picture'

dizzygirl1 Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:24

I wouldn't reply at all. He's just goading you to get a reaction. He knows he's done wrong and wants the control over you, the fact you didn't cancel your swimming session is a massive kick to him as well.
Ignore the text and carry on doing exactly as you have been.

PlanDeRaccordement Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:33

WoozySnoozy

I would just say "don't worry I left her with her aunt" and leave it at that. Then ask people to stop putting pictures of her on Facebook.

I think this is best solution.

RaRaRabbit Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:41

IGNORE. He hates him cancelling didn't ruin any plans you had. Him not giving you a reason was also him begging for more attention, wanting you to continue a conversation, asking for a reason.

Ignore him and carry on with your weekend smile

Thingsdogetbetter Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:50

1. Don't bother replying. It just opens up a dialogue and that's what he's looking for. Do not be dragged into arguments. Don't bother defending yourself or having comebacks. It's not worth it. You'll never persuade him you're right cos that makes him wrong and he'll never ever accept that.
2. Of course it's okay to go swimming! Are you expected to be with her 24/7 until she teaches 18.

I suspect he cancelled to fuck up your plans. It didn't and he's now throwing a control temper tantrum. Ignore. Only communicate about drop offs and pick ups. Grey rock will work a lot better than trying to 'win'.

Humblpi Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:54

I'd ignore. What an idiot. If he wants to take it further you can prove at any point this is a regular caregiver known to the child.

pelosi Sat 18-Sep-21 14:50:56

WoozySnoozy

I would just say "don't worry I left her with her aunt" and leave it at that. Then ask people to stop putting pictures of her on Facebook.

Eh? That’s terrible advice. I would just ignore the cunt.

NoSquirrels Sat 18-Sep-21 14:51:56

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

What a wanker.

I think you’d be better off ignoring him - as he’s being ludicrous - but if you must reply stick to something very factual. No point fuelling fires and anything in writing can be used against you by a vindictive twat.

“Must be a misunderstanding, TwatEx - DD was enjoying an afternoon with my aunt.”

Phineyj Sat 18-Sep-21 14:52:06

Don't respond and ask the aunt and anyone else who looks after DD to WhatsApp pictures if they must take them, not put them on Facebook.

AngeloMysterioso Sat 18-Sep-21 14:52:19

I don’t think I’d dignify his shit with a response to be honest.

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