To think that being just a "girlfriend" in later life is a big risk?

[workwoes123]

My friends father is in hospital. He's 92, has various ailments, and has caught Covid. Until now he's been living at home with his girlfriend of many, many years.

My friend and the girlfriend don't really get on. Her mother died when she and her sister were in their teens. When they were adults, the father got together with the girlfriend and has lived with her ever since. She was also widowed, and has adult children (who live in a different country). She has never been their mother, or tried to be.

The father is a very successful businessman, has plenty of money. He's a real old-school patriarch. He has always expected everyone in the family to jump when he clicks his fingers. His girlfriend has never worked, he has and continues to pay all the bills for both their lives over the years (they live overseas and have servants to do all their domestic / caring work, always have).

My friend is already saying that there's no way she is going to keep paying the girlfriend's living expenses if her father dies. She is aware of the contents of her fathers will, and they do not include leaving anything for the girlfriend. The girlfriend has relied on the father for everything financially for years. Their apartment is rented, and he pays the rent. But she's in her 80s now - she can't exactly go out and get a job! Her own children will have to step in and provide for her I guess.

I can see my friend's pov but I really feel for the girlfriend. She has ended up in a really vulnerable position - although she's had all her bills paid for and her lifestyle supported all these years, she'll come out of it with nothing to live on. She doesn't own anything and they have never married.

I have another friend who's MIL is in the same position - relying on her better-off partner financially as her own pension is so small, living in his property, not married and unlikely to be provided for in a will.

Is my friend being unreasonable to not carry on where her father will eventually leave off?

[Shouldbedoing]

Your friend might be in for a shock

[Getawaywithit]

It’s a lesson many people need to learn.

On the other hand, I will never marry again because I want my children to inherit everything - I have worked hard since my divorce and have benefitted from a large inheritance. No one will be removing any of that from my family.

[Redgeraniums]

Weird they never discussed her future. But I guess that’s the old fashioned way, which as you point out is fine if you’re married. Not so much otherwise

[VladmirsPoutine]

The girlfriend really should have had the foresight to not put herself in such a precarious position. Maybe she and the father had some other arrangement so as to leave her entirely up shit creek but didn't mention it to your friend?

[theseoldbone]

I think I'd really struggle to have conversations with a friend who was prepared to do that to an old lady. No matter what the will says.

[MsTSwift]

If she was relying on him financially and living with him but entirely left out of his will she can make a claim on his estate.

[Redgeraniums]

I agree. I’m not sure how I would feel if someone chucked and old lady out on her arse who had nothing

[Ginghamize]

My dad is in a similar position and we recently pressed him to think about his will and make his preferences really explicit when it came to the girlfriend & his estate. So we could do the right thing despite his will leaving it all to us, us having POA etc. He found it so hard to talk about and ended up writing on a napkin "Please be kind to Girlfriendname" and throwing it at us in a melodramatic way

[frerecoler]

As PP said, I would struggle to think that any of my friends could do this to an elderly lady.

Also, she will probably have some sort of claim. I hope there is some sort of law to protect her.

I would offer her something to make sure she wasn't penniless in her later years, regardless of what personal feelings I had. She was clearly very important.

[frerecoler]

Pressed send too soon

Clearly important to the father to have been around all these years

[happinessischocolate]

If they live in rented accommodation has he really got as much money as your friend thinks he has?

How does she know for sure the girlfriend has no assets at all?

[PermanentTemporary]

Blimey how awful. I used to lie awake worrying about what would happen to my penniless dad if his girlfriend died before him. Very different situation in every way other than that. In the end he died first, an incredible relief.

I'd agree that I hope the girlfriend has a claim and I think nothing of a man who could knowingly screw over the future of either his partner or his family, given that he has resources to manage both.

[Gothichouse40]

Hmm, they were a different generation. For me personally how I feel about marriage, a relationship is all or nothing. Ive known women wait years hoping their partner proposes and seeing the heartache they went through, was determined never to be in that situation. A partner wants you or they don't. Like it or not marriage gives you legal protection as it is a contract between two people. The older lady's partner has been negligent in not making provision for her in his will. Sadly, this is going to be an absolute mess and your friend will need to seek legal advice. All very sad and all very avoidable. Im not impressed with the elderly man, quite happy Im sure to have had all the benefits of a commited partner but leave her without the roof over her head- how nice - not. Women who read this- take heed from this story.

[SylviaTrench]

This happened to a friend of mine, except they weren't elderly. Basically she lived with a man for thirty years, he refused to marry her, he'd been married before then divorced.
He died suddenly, his adult children to his first wife inherited everything, including the house my friend had lived in for the 30 years.
She took them to court, arguing that her partner had supported her for a substantial length of time so she should be entitled to have some of that support continued after his death.
She's never disclosed to me how much she was awarded but it was enough to buy a new house plus a flat to rent out as income.

[Stompythedinosaur]

YABU to call her "just a girlfriend" when she is clearly a long term partner.

I thing she has been foolish, but I think your friend's df has behaved despicably not to make provision for her. I think she can claim on his estate as a dependant.

I'm not a fan of marriage, but if one partner is financially dependant on the other then it is the only way to give them protection.

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

Probably the father has large pensions which will cease with his death, so your friend won't have that income to pay for the GF's living expenses.
I see no reason why your friend should provide continuing expenses for the GF after her father's death.

YANBU to say the situation is a big risk for someone in later life.

[Ozanj]

Your friend is in for a shock. I know of an acquaintance whose Dad’s partner was in a similar position, she contested on the grounds that the kids manipulated their dad into not changing the will (not true, their dad just didn’t want to), court agreed because they were living together for 50 years and she provided all personal care, and she got 80% of everything plus the entirety of the family home.

[exexpat]

Under English law, the girlfriend might have a claim on his estate, pensions etc if she can prove she was dependent on him (not guaranteed and could get messy and expensive with lawyers etc). The laws in the country where they are living may be similar or different.

The main fault is obviously with the father/partner for not making an appropriate will, but morally, I would say your friend would be pretty unpleasant to make her father's long-term companion homeless and destitute in her 80s. Would she not consider at least providing her enough to live a much more modest lifestyle for her remaining years?

[Newcastleteacake]

@theseoldbone

I think I'd really struggle to have conversations with a friend who was prepared to do that to an old lady. No matter what the will says.

Yup. 100% agree.

[Penistoe]

There will be one winner. The lawyer.

[HollowTalk]

If he has got so much money and he is so successful then why is he renting a place? I think your friend doesn't know everything about their financial situation.

[Ponoka7]

It depends on what country you are in. In the UK she would have a step down in lifestyle, but care/housing etc would be provided for her. If she's had a lifestyle that she couldn't come close to, for 30 years, then it could be worth the risk.

[MorganSeventh]

It's a risk if you don't work and haven't made separate financial provision, yes, but it's not the case that all unmarried women don't. In the case you've described, it's impossible to know how much of a risk it is as we don't know the inheritance laws of that country.

[Blossomtoes]

@Redgeraniums

I agree. I’m not sure how I would feel if someone chucked and old lady out on her arse who had nothing

I completely agree. You’d have to be a special kind of heartless cunt to do that.

[milian]

If he has pensions, it’s very possible that she would be entitled to a dependant pension as a long term live in partner - I hope this is the case.