To say DH should ALWAYS do what DSS wants at weekend?

(110 Posts)
LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:29:03

I have 1 DSS who is middle secondary aged and me and DH have toddler together.

We live very close by to his Mum so as he's gotten older contact is not very strict at all, we always help the other out if one parent has plans but other than that DSS basically comes whenever he likes and often stays more here than he does with his Mum. We all get on and he often rings me and asks me to pick him up from school to come back to ours etc so it's really not a case of he's barely here or I resent him being around or ANYTHING like that, honestly that couldn't be further from the truth he is always welcome and knows it.

Anyway, for the past year he's taken up an activity at the weekend that he likes to do and he asks DH to do with him every weekend. It's not a scheduled club or anything, they just go and do it together and are often out all day.

It's gotten to the point now where if I suggest we do anything with toddler, all together he asks DSS if he'd prefer to do that or go to do this activity. If he says he'd prefer to do the activity it's almost like a shrug from DH as in "well what can I do, I'll have to go with DSS" and I end up doing most things alone with our toddler so that actually get out of the house at weekends.

I was thinking if speaking to DH about this tonight and basically saying we can't always allow every weekend to be dominated by this and whilst I appreciate DSS wants to do this with his Dad, he does also need to spend some weekends with me and toddler as well.

I am more than happy for this activity to be done together frequently, I just don't think it should be an option every single weekend and he gets to essentially refuse DH doing anything else.

It's absolutely a DH problem, I understand that. AIBU?

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Elvisinthechipshop Sat 18-Sep-21 10:33:03

No, not unreasonable! DSS is old enough to understand the need for occasional compromise. Your child is entitled to see their dad at weekends too!

LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:34:06

Obviously the title should say SHOULDN'T!

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HeckyPeck Sat 18-Sep-21 10:35:34

YANBU at all. There needs to be balance.

He can't just leave you to be the sole parent to your joint child every weekend. That's taking the piss!

spotcheck Sat 18-Sep-21 10:37:39

Any two child household has to balance the needs of both.
If course your DH should arrange to spend fun time w toddler as well.

sirfredfredgeorge Sat 18-Sep-21 10:40:01

It sounds likely that the father doesn't want to do a family activity with a toddler and is using DSS as the excuse to do a more interesting thing.

To me, that seems completely sensible, "family activities" with toddlers sound like terrible ideas to me (toddler activities are great, but part of the advantage of that is that with two parents is that only one parent needs to go along giving the other time to do something for themselves - the family is still together when eating, getting up, going to bed etc. plenty of time together.

You're focussing on DSS, when you need to convince your DP.

MinnieJackson Sat 18-Sep-21 10:41:07

Could they take your toddler with them so you get some time to yourself?

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OverByYer Sat 18-Sep-21 10:41:08

Hmm I’m not sure. If you had 2 children together and 1 of those had a particular interest/ hobby wouldn’t that be a priority in the weekend?
One of mine was particularly good at a sport that involved training on a Saturday, a game in a Sunday so our weekend used to revolve around that.

ItWearsTheBatteriesOut Sat 18-Sep-21 10:41:50

Hmm, I was about to say yabu . One of ours does a lot of football so we have committed, this is twice a week in the evening, every Saturday morning and Match on Sunday which can be miles away.

But yours sounds more flexible like fishing so they could miss a week. Is it both days? Could they go one evening instead

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sat 18-Sep-21 10:42:42

Is there the option of DSS doing a class or a club so it’s the same time every week and can be fitted with family activities?

LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:43:08

sirfredfredgeorge

It sounds likely that the father doesn't want to do a family activity with a toddler and is using DSS as the excuse to do a more interesting thing.

To me, that seems completely sensible, "family activities" with toddlers sound like terrible ideas to me (toddler activities are great, but part of the advantage of that is that with two parents is that only one parent needs to go along giving the other time to do something for themselves - the family is still together when eating, getting up, going to bed etc. plenty of time together.

You're focussing on DSS, when you need to convince your DP.

It's not even necessarily a toddler activity though. Even just going on a walk all together we can't do because DSS wants to do X instead. I spend every weekend alone with toddler at the moment. Which is fine sometimes, but surely not every single weekend? Especially as he gets older?

DSS also spends a lot of the time you mentioned with DH too, I'd say we see him at least every day even if he doesn't stay over the night. It's really not a case of he comes EOW or anything.

Absolutely it's an issue for DH, I said as such in my OP.

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LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:45:04

It's not a club so it's not like "a match on Saturdays". They just go out and do it together, it's bike riding.

If you had 2 children together and 1 of those had a particular interest/ hobby wouldn’t that be a priority in the weekend?

No, I wouldn't let it take me away from other family members all day every single weekend especially as it's not a club. Occasionally I would expect them to not do it (or do it with friends instead if they really wanted to which he does in the holidays when DH is working) so that I could go out every now and then with my other DC!

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KingdomScrolls Sat 18-Sep-21 10:48:18

Can't they go for a bike ride in the morning or on Saturday OR Sunday rather than both?

AntiHop Sat 18-Sep-21 10:48:31

Does this happen both days of the weekend? Does your dh work Monday to Friday?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sat 18-Sep-21 10:51:27

As it’s cycling YANBU. They should limit themselves to one half day at the weekends and do something with you and your toddler for the rest of the time.

LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:51:41

AntiHop

Does this happen both days of the weekend? Does your dh work Monday to Friday?

Yes they often do and yes he works Mon - Fri. On the rare occasion DSS doesn't want to go both days, DH often goes into work! He works for himself.

I would be fine if it was just the morning, but they often go all day.

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junebirthdaygirl Sat 18-Sep-21 10:51:46

It's great they can do that together but surely they could come back at lunch time and spend time all together in the afternoon. I hope they are not gone Saturday and Sunday. It is difficult sometimes keeping a 14 year old on board for an activity so good that's working out but not a full day..no!
Can you plan something ye can all do on Sunday say and they cycle on Saturday. When they get back you head out on your own as you need a break too. Might be easier with dh to just plan that for next few weekends so the pattern is broken as if you head into a big chat he may resist the change.

FateHasRedesignedMost Sat 18-Sep-21 10:53:37

Can’t you do a family activity on Sundays instead?

Bit unfair to make DSS give up the only regular activity he does with his dad in order to go for a ‘family walk’ with a toddler?

LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:53:54

He's always given a choice, even if I do try and plan anything DH asks DSS what hed prefer to do. If he says riding it's just like that's it then.

I just wish every now and then DH would say well okay DSS but you'll have to see if a friend can go with you then as me and Lucky are going out with toddler today, you're welcome to come with us though.

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KingdomScrolls Sat 18-Sep-21 10:54:24

The fact he goes to work when he doesn't need to when he's not out cycling, and otherwise he's doing a very flexible hobby all weekend most weekends gives you your answer. He doesn't want to do things with you and the toddler, that's the actual problem.

HeckyPeck Sat 18-Sep-21 10:55:58

From your updates your DH is taking the absolute piss.

I would be asking him why he doesn't want to spend time with his youngest child and if he thinks it is fair for to have to do all the parenting every weekend.

50ShadesOfCatholic Sat 18-Sep-21 10:56:15

I knew it would be cycling. Mountain biking? They get obsessed.

I think your partner needs to step up, of course you need some family time on the weekend and also he should spend time with the little one on his own. It's poor role modelling for him to teach his son to abandon wife and baby on weekends. Even if they just reduce it to one day per weekend.

CanofCant Sat 18-Sep-21 10:56:38

Yes they often do and yes he works Mon - Fri. On the rare occasion DSS doesn't want to go both days, DH often goes into work! He works for himself.

That's not right. So he will cycle all weekend with his eldest, ignore his youngest and his wife. If cycling is off the table he still ignores the needs of his youngest and wife and takes himself off to work rather than spend time with you?!

LindaEllen Sat 18-Sep-21 10:57:27

YANBU. Your shared child needs to grow up spending just as much quality time with their dad as his son does.

LuckyGoLucky Sat 18-Sep-21 10:59:46

Yes it's mountain biking, yes they are obsessed!!

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