Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.
When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.
But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.
And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?
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665 replies
FuckingFabulous · 17/09/2021 20:06
OP posts:
SeaToSki ·
17/09/2021 20:28
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MarceyMc ·
17/09/2021 20:36
@Susannahmoody
That's a good one.
When I was 6 (six as in a child who has been in the earth for only 6 years!) I wrote the word 'PIG' on a piece of that awful loo tracing paper and left it in the toilets.
You would have thought someone had written a 'Fuck you, Mrs. Thompson I am gonna kill you' type letter. I swear it was like the Spanish inquisition. The teacher, at the front of the class, LIVID with anger about the word pig on a piece of paper. I was absolutely shitting my six year old pants. It went on all afternoon, on and on. Who has done this terrible thing? At one point the teacher threatened to call the police for further questioning. The whole situation was utterly blown out of proportion. I was bloody traumatised as a result. I didn't own up. I thought that they would execute me if I did or something.
I'm still pissed off at that teacher for making me feel as guilty and anxious as I did, all because of a bloody piece of toilet paper.
When I was 6 (six as in a child who has been in the earth for only 6 years!) I wrote the word 'PIG' on a piece of that awful loo tracing paper and left it in the toilets.
You would have thought someone had written a 'Fuck you, Mrs. Thompson I am gonna kill you' type letter. I swear it was like the Spanish inquisition. The teacher, at the front of the class, LIVID with anger about the word pig on a piece of paper. I was absolutely shitting my six year old pants. It went on all afternoon, on and on. Who has done this terrible thing? At one point the teacher threatened to call the police for further questioning. The whole situation was utterly blown out of proportion. I was bloody traumatised as a result. I didn't own up. I thought that they would execute me if I did or something.
I'm still pissed off at that teacher for making me feel as guilty and anxious as I did, all because of a bloody piece of toilet paper.
This has tickled me
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