She gave my son a fringe. Aibu

[Buttercupmoon]

Hi all. I have posted here before about my mother. We have a history of conflict in our relationship, mostly because I find her quite controlling. Over the past year, since I had my son, we have argued, she has been apologetic for being too bossy and we have been getting on well. Anyway, she offered to watch my son for a day a week when I am back in work, he goes to nursery for 4 days and is with me for 1 day. I was very grateful and agreed as it would be financially helpful. I asked his nursery to drop a day from next month for her to look after him. She also helped me watch him this week when he was unwell and unable to go to nursery. After picking him up and bringing him home I noticed his hair was swept to one side. He has lovely hair, lots of it, I love it. I brushed his hair out and saw she had cut it, cut a very short uneven fringe for him and taken more off the sides. I was and am furious about it. I already asked nursery to keep him in for 4 days but haven't broken it to my mother yet. My husband thinks I am being too hasty and should work with her to come up with some rules. I just feel that I don't trust her. When I called her to speak (shout) to her about the hair cut, she said :oh you noticed that did you'. She did eventually apologise and promise to not do it again.

But from an outsider's perspective, am I over reacting? Aibu

[Sirzy]

Was his hair getting in his eyes?

[ManifestDestinee]

@Sirzy

Was his hair getting in his eyes?

What difference does that make?

[Gilead]

Sorry but I wouldn’t put up with that, how dare she!

[KingdomScrolls]

My DS has longish curly hair and the older generation seem insistent that he ought to have a short back and sides. It's not their choice, I'd be livid in your shoes

[Bluntness100]

It will grow back, she’s apologised and said she won’t do it again, I don’t think you need to keep punishing both of you. It’s a hair cut, she didn’t dye it blonde and pierce his nose.

[LateDecemberBackInLowB12]

This isn't something you need to set rules for at all. It should just be a given that you don't cut someone else's child's hair.

Yanbu at all.

[NuffSaidSam]

I'd struggle to get too het up about this if everything else was good.

I suppose if your relationship is already problematic then I can see why you've reacted so strongly.

[TheVanguardSix]

You can't have your cake, OP.
You're using her. You don't like her. You don't trust her. But you'll use her to your advantage.
You really can't have it both ways here- disapproving her ways (and I am sure there is validity in the way you're feeling! I don't doubt this) while getting what you need out of her. It's not on really, is it?
Stop the childcare with her now and also, I'd get some therapy to help you manage your difficult relationship with her. Therapy can give you lots of support and insight, and above all, help you approach the difficulties that come up in the relationship with your mother. She's going to be around a while, your mum.

As for the fringe... well, of course that's annoying and probably passive-aggressive on her part. Or maybe not. Maybe she just wanted to get the hair out of his eyes. Who really knows? But either way, it's all the more reason to cut childcare out of your relationship and perhaps focus on different ways of interacting positively with each other.

[NuffSaidSam]

'What difference does that make?'

It makes it a solution to a problem rather than a controlling style choice.

Still not acceptable maybe, but more understandable and therefore forgiveable imo.

[Wole]

She should have clipped it back if it was in the way not made a permanent change.

[Wole]

Well.. semi permanent as it will grow back

[NuffSaidSam]

'She should have clipped it back if it was in the way not made a permanent change.'

Sure, I'm not saying she was right to do it.

But it does make it a different situation to her just doing it to prove a point/be annoying.

[Ozanj]

@TheVanguardSix

You can't have your cake, OP.
You're using her. You don't like her. You don't trust her. But you'll use her to your advantage.
You really can't have it both ways here- disapproving her ways (and I am sure there is validity in the way you're feeling! I don't doubt this) while getting what you need out of her. It's not on really, is it?
Stop the childcare with her now and also, I'd get some therapy to help you manage your difficult relationship with her. Therapy can give you lots of support and insight, and above all, help you approach the difficulties that come up in the relationship with your mother. She's going to be around a while, your mum.

As for the fringe... well, of course that's annoying and probably passive-aggressive on her part. Or maybe not. Maybe she just wanted to get the hair out of his eyes. Who really knows? But either way, it's all the more reason to cut childcare out of your relationship and perhaps focus on different ways of interacting positively with each other.

Yes I agree with this

[TheWoleb]

My ex-MIL did this with my oldest. He was 2 and has lovely curly blond hair. She was looking after him because their dad, who was back living with his parents, had gone out. I collected him and he already had his hat and coat on. Got home, took off that and hair was gone. Her hairdresser had been round to do her hair, so she got the woman to cut my son's hair to short back and sides.

I found the hairdresser on Facebook, called her up, confirmed she had cut his hair and made it very very clear that she was not to touch my son's hair again and explained that the grand parent's do not have permission to make changes like that.

She had done many, many other things which totally went over the line and I just saw red that time. I gave her hell over the phone.

[Wole]

@NuffSaidSam

'She should have clipped it back if it was in the way not made a permanent change.'

Sure, I'm not saying she was right to do it.

But it does make it a different situation to her just doing it to prove a point/be annoying.

Yes I see what you mean. She might have had good intentions. Still should have apologised once it was made clear it wasn't appreciated.

[ManifestDestinee]

@NuffSaidSam

'What difference does that make?'

It makes it a solution to a problem rather than a controlling style choice.

Still not acceptable maybe, but more understandable and therefore forgiveable imo.

It's not her problem to solve, so it's still controlling. If your kid is here on a play date and her hair is in her eyes, is it ok if I take the kitchen scissors to it?

[NuffSaidSam]

'It's not her problem to solve, so it's still controlling. If your kid is here on a play date and her hair is in her eyes, is it ok if I take the kitchen scissors to it?'

Firstly, at no point have I said what she did was ok.

Secondly, I'd appreciate you were trying to solve a problem that I should have already solved (hair in the eyes), so whilst I might not be best pleased I would struggle to be angry with you and would ultimately forgive and move on. And make sure my child didn't have hair in their eyes so that someone else had to intervene going forward.

[Cabbagepie]

There is no excuse for her cutting his hair and apparently hoping you would not notice - and in the first week she has helped out! Totally agree with you about continuing the 4 days at nursery.

[LadyDanburysHat]

YANBU at all. She has shown you very early on that she absolutely can not be trusted, and there is obviously history here. The financial saving is just not worth the stress.

[WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy]

If she was otherwise fine and this was a one off then I’d let it go, but if she’s generally dominant and controlling, as it sounds like she is, then I think her having your son for one day a week is a recipe for disaster so YANBU to cancel that arrangement. She’ll just find other ways to undermine you, it’s not worth it.

[GinIronic]

It’s controlling and she knows it. It’s the tip of the iceberg - what else will she do against your wishes? She won’t obey any rules you may set. I wouldn’t leave DC alone with her - she is not to be trusted. Nursery care from now on.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

@TheVanguardSix

You can't have your cake, OP.
You're using her. You don't like her. You don't trust her. But you'll use her to your advantage.
You really can't have it both ways here- disapproving her ways (and I am sure there is validity in the way you're feeling! I don't doubt this) while getting what you need out of her. It's not on really, is it?
Stop the childcare with her now and also, I'd get some therapy to help you manage your difficult relationship with her. Therapy can give you lots of support and insight, and above all, help you approach the difficulties that come up in the relationship with your mother. She's going to be around a while, your mum.

As for the fringe... well, of course that's annoying and probably passive-aggressive on her part. Or maybe not. Maybe she just wanted to get the hair out of his eyes. Who really knows? But either way, it's all the more reason to cut childcare out of your relationship and perhaps focus on different ways of interacting positively with each other.

This

[stealthninjamum]

If she has a history of being controlling then she is testing you to see how much she can push you.

My mum knew I didn’t want her smoking around my daughter. But, she waited for me to go to the bathroom, lit up a cigarette and hold it inches from my toddler’s face. I didn’t cause a fuss in front of dd but afterwards I did not see her for 18 months and explained it was because I didn’t want my dd around smoke.

If grandparent accidentally does something you don’t like you forgive them and move on but when there’s a history you have to view it with that and then make a decision.

[NothingEverChangesButTheShoes]

I think the haircut is a misdirection here. If your mother is as controlling as my mother, you'll never be able to assert your authority as your DS' mother let alone put ground rules in place. She will never stick to your guidelines and will eventually undermine you in front of your son.
With mine it was food. She'd feed DD chocolates, cakes and biscuits until poor DD was often sick in the night.

I would put DS back in nursery, citing your hours (make something up) and also, 'looking after toddlers is really hard, we can have more fun times together like this.' Then ensure your DS is never alone with her again. If you have the money to do an extra nursery day it is worth it, just so you are not fighting her and worrying about what damage she is doing. Superficial or otherwise.

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

Totally agree with the PP, you can't expect to use her for childcare if you have a difficult relationship. There will always be conflict if you do. I get the financial side of it I really do (DS is 9 and we've paid for every second of childcare as we have no help), but adding childcare into an already difficult relationship isn't going to end well.