Just sat outside in my car

(199 Posts)
Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:19:00

No idea what to do.
Dd, 3, has started pre school a couple of weeks ago, she cries not to go, cries when she gets there, not too bad when I pick her up, still says she doesn’t like it there.
Today when getting her ready, she again said she didn’t want to go, she said she doesn’t like the teachers because they always shout at her. I asked her why they shout and she said because she won’t sit down and keeps blowing raspberries etc.
She’s really bright, but also a stubborn bugger and fights against doing anything she doesn’t want to. I’ve been struggling with her since around spring, when she became really strong.
She takes a long time to go to sleep and her tiredness definitely affects her behaviour.
She doesn’t understand why she has to sit down if she doesn’t want to and says she’s worried to do plasticine and activities etc at the table.
I feel really sad for her, but also being a teacher, understand the job they have to do and how she’s probably difficult for them.
I’m trying to be extra strict/firm with her.
Just sat here crying as no idea where I’ve gone wrong. My friends kids all started at different pre schools and they’re all loving the freedom, I’ve barely had any as pick her up early as know how things will have gone.
Do I persevere? Is she maybe too young and I try again next September? (Where we are they don’t start school until 6, so it would be pre school) I’m currently a Sahm so she doesn’t *Have to go or should I keep on.

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PumpkinKlNG Fri 17-Sep-21 10:20:54

My son hates school ever since he started in reception he use to scream his head off every morning not to go, I really regret sending him now looking back when I didn’t have to. School insisted it was “for the best” he’s in year 3 how and still hates it.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Fri 17-Sep-21 10:23:06

Honestly, it sounds to me as if she'd benefit from waiting a year. Sorry!

endofthelinefinally Fri 17-Sep-21 10:23:29

It sounds as if she isn't ready. You never get these years back again. They change so much between 3 and 4.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:29:18

I’m very happy to keep her at home with me, we have great times, I thought it would be beneficial for her socially etc and learning to sit etc. I’ve no idea what to do for the best. If it’s just her strong character, does she need it more, as in learning to sit etc.. Feel awful saying that, or could it be that in a year she’ll be calmer and she’s just not ready?

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notapizzaeater Fri 17-Sep-21 10:31:11

Could you send her to a more free flow version ? And try the more regimented one in a year or two ?

endofthelinefinally Fri 17-Sep-21 10:31:27

You can build in quieter, sitting activities at home over the next year.
I think anxiety is really damaging to little children.


PumpkinKlNG Fri 17-Sep-21 10:31:43

I wouldn’t send her then if you don’t have to, we normally advise not to send children to places they don’t want to go if they don’t need to, like I said I regret it and feel a lot of guilt for it.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:33:38

@endofthelinefinally People have said to stick with it and they all cry at the start and take time to adjust etc, really not sure what to do.
I’m aware she’s not always an ‘Easy’ child, looking at friends children and my teaching experience etc, this may just be her character and might not change in the years to come?

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Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:36:02

@PumpkinKlNG Who normally advises?

Friends and family say to stick with it and they always take time to adjust etc, I don’t want to feel as though I’m just giving in and should have stuck with it for her sake, if that makes sense?
For me, I’d happily have her at home

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vivainsomnia Fri 17-Sep-21 10:37:45

Take her back but start installing a clear routine akin to preschool. Explain the rules and bring in rewards. You want to do what the teacher would do but being able to give her 1:1 attention to get there.

Do not let her rule the roost just because she's a strong character. That will help no one. You are mum, the boss, and what you say is what goes, end of.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:38:13

@notapizzaeater They’re all
Pretty similar where we are. She does find it hard to see for longer periods, I’m guessing that’s normal at 3 though? But all the other children seem to be able to
She goes to gymnastics and dance and play dates, plus I teach in fun ways at home, is this sufficient?
It’s so hard

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liveforsummer Fri 17-Sep-21 10:40:23

I'm going against the grain and think it's exactly what she needs. I don't understand why she's worried about plasticine etc though? She should be able to sit down at appropriate times at 3 (eating, story time etc) and should not be blowing raspberries when asked to stop. The boundaries and routine will hopefully help in the long run

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:40:25

@vivainsomnia This is the thing, since a little before turning 3, she’s become really strong and hard work, we have a battle of wills daily at the moment and I’m having to be stricter and stricter, so I can imagine she’s hard work there, hence the teachers being cross

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Redsquirrel5 Fri 17-Sep-21 10:41:44

What do the staff say?

Lots of little ones cry at parting but stop 5 minutes after mum has gone. Could you sit in for a little while and assess if she is enjoying herself?
If it is quite a formal setting ? It might not suit her and there may be a different style that suits her more.

lubeybooby Fri 17-Sep-21 10:42:06

some possible early signs of adhd there as she's obviously bright but if she finds it difficult to follow instructions/sit still etc

not trying to diagnose her, just saying possibly? and keep an eye out

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:42:58

@liveforsummer This is the debate I’m having with myself. I’m in between being cross at her and telling her she has to be good etc, then feeling bad
For context, we’re in another country, so it’s in another language, the teachers speak English though.
All my friends have put theirs into different places and had no major issues though

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Howareyouflower Fri 17-Sep-21 10:44:52

Can you make an appointment to discuss it with the teacher ? They will know whether she doesn't seem ready, or they may have suggestions as to what you can do to help.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:44:58

@lubeybooby Yes I’ve wondered that too and then I feel so so guilty as she then can’t help it 😢probably doesn’t understand why everyone’s getting cross at her.
She can sit though for lunch etc and can focus and concentrate for shorter periods, it’s definitely more when she’s not slept enough, I’m not sure, even my mum says she’s not stop etc

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Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:46:23

@lubeybooby What would I do in this case? The blowing raspberries etc just comes across as naughty, but it’s like she can’t stop it? Is that a sign?

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PumpkinKlNG Fri 17-Sep-21 10:47:06

I guess I mean if your child didn’t want to go somewhere else you wouldn’t make them or force them if they didn’t actually need to, I guess it’s just with nursery/school people seem to have the opinion that you keep sending them even if they hate it. It seems it’s the only acceptable place to keep sending children despite them not wanting to go. Maybe my view is just warped though as I still deal with this from my son he tells me everyday how much he hates going and begs me not to send him, it’s never got better, everyone said it would but he still hates it just as much. My son also says the teachers shout a lot so another reason he hates being there.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:47:22

@Howareyouflower Yes, I think I’ll have to do that, it seems really early days, was hoping she’d settle a little but not sure

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NuffSaidSam Fri 17-Sep-21 10:47:43

If she doesn't need to go to school until 6 then I'd take her out. It would be different of she was going to school next year, but you have three years to prepare for school, hey put her through this now? Just wait a year or two.

In the meantime do as pp suggests and work gently, one to one on helping her to sit and focus, flow instruction etc.

EllieSattler Fri 17-Sep-21 10:47:58

If you don't need her to be in preschool, and she'll have another year at preschool before school even if you delay it, and she hates it and is miserable, then pull her out. You can work together gently on setting routines and in another year she'll have much better impulse control.

Memoriesofanoldlife Fri 17-Sep-21 10:48:49

@lubeybooby Having said that, I once taught in a pre school/nursery and the 3 year olds could rarely keep/sit still or do activities..there was a huge difference in 4 and up, could it be just that?

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