To ask you how to handle this situation as I really am at a loss?

(96 Posts)
Battleoftheislands Thu 16-Sep-21 21:51:20

In-laws live 2.5 hours away, we mostly get on fine and I enjoy their company...but in small doses.

Every time they want to come and visit/ stay with us they insist that they come for 5-6 days as it’s too long a journey to just do a weekend. I let this go for years, but I’ve just got to a point in my life where I can’t cope with guests, any guests, be it my own friends and family or someone else’s for more than 2-3 days at a time. Conversation runs dry and I just end up feeling really drained and want my space back. DH feels the same, though he is better with me at dealing with prolonged stays.

DH told in-laws this a couple of years ago and there’s been nothing but flouncing and digs made ever since. In-laws were meant to be staying with us next weekend. Yesterday MIL messages saying they’d like to stay until the Thursday. DH pushes back and says they’re more than welcome Fri-Monday or Sat- Tuesday. MIL now messages saying she’s trying to book hotels for the duration of their stay but is finding it difficult. She’s now talking about coming up in the campervan and sleeping outside in the drive in that.

Just WTAF?! I’ve said to DH that she’s just being ridiculous now, they’re more than welcome for 3 nights, why isn’t that sufficient?! And if they want to stay for 5-6 then yes, fine, book into a hotel or sleep in the bloody VW but they don’t have to do that for the whole duration.

I’m so tired of this crap, why is it so hard to understand that I just don’t want guests for 5-6 days unless there’s a real need, and living 2.5 hours down the road isn’t a real need IMO.

AIBU? I just find it so rude to try and dictate how long you stay in someone’s house and then be manipulative when you can’t get your own way entirely. Surely a compromise is a long weekend?

OP’s posts: |
waybill Thu 16-Sep-21 21:53:34

Oh how tiresome. It is really your DH who needs to stand up to them though.

grasstreeleaf Thu 16-Sep-21 21:55:56

One option is to only entertain the days you said and then really carry on as if they weren't there. Make appointments, arrangements with other friends, work, you name it. Have tradesmen round doing as many jobs that need doing that you can think off. Be busy and show it. Hopefully they will realise how you are fixed and cannot stop everything for them.

Beachbabe1 Thu 16-Sep-21 21:56:26

2.5 hours isn't even a long drive! If it was 5-6 hours then yes. My grandparents did that drive for years, only staying 1 or 2 nights with us. Let them book a hotel or sleep in the campervan if they are being awkward. Your house, your rules.

grasstreeleaf Thu 16-Sep-21 21:57:28

If you have children or dogs ask them to help with them.wink

annacondom Thu 16-Sep-21 21:58:56

YANBU. They are being very disrespectful.

Battleoftheislands Thu 16-Sep-21 22:00:46

I feel like I am literally being made out to be the big bad wolf. ‘Oh we’d be able to stay as long as we want if it wasn’t for HER.’ I can just imagine the conversations now. It’s taking every single bit of strength I have not to message saying it’s not fucking normal to want to stay with people for 5-6 days at a time. We’re not a fucking hotel. It’s QUALITY rather than QUANTITY for me. I know I’ll have a good time and enjoy their company if it’s 2-3 days, but will want to murder them if it’s 5-6 days. I don’t understand why they can’t grasp that and jus to seem to take it as a massive slight/ insult. I’ve been very brazen about it in the past too in front of them saying ‘I can’t host my own family/ friends for more than 3 days, let alone anyone else’s’ tinkly laugh. Hoping that they’ll see it’s nothing personal, but this latest flounce and cutting of nose despite face makes it obvious the message hasn’t sunk in.

OP’s posts: |

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Theoscargoesto Thu 16-Sep-21 22:01:48

My mother used to say that visitors are like fish, they go off after 3 days, and I have a lot of sympathy with that view. Like you, I’m happy to have visitors but, frankly, not for long. It’s your house, you get to say who stays for how long. I think you need to present a united front with DH and just have a frank conversation with the in laws. Stick to your boundaries and if they flounce, let them work it out for themselves. Don’t enable all this passive aggression.

Userg1234 Thu 16-Sep-21 22:01:49

No just no. Tell her via your husband that its nothing personal to them but you cannot, just cannot deal with guests

girlmom21 Thu 16-Sep-21 22:02:31

Bloody hell - 2.5 hours is close enough to do a day visit!

If they stay in a hotel would they still expect to be hosted for 5 days and then just go back to the hotel on a nighttime?

I'd tell them you have worn commitments on the remaining days.

grasstreeleaf Thu 16-Sep-21 22:03:06

Would they enjoy staying so much if you carried on work around them? Perhaps roped them in? Or got people into do stuff. It might be because you are just too good at hosting.

MaggieFS Thu 16-Sep-21 22:26:50

YANBU. My family are just under two hours away and always come for at least three nights with an entourage of luggage. It's tricky.

WallaceinAnderland Thu 16-Sep-21 22:26:55

How to handle it? You just say guests are welcome for up to 3 nights but after that you are not available. Then it's up to them to take it or leave it.

ChurchWCat Thu 16-Sep-21 22:29:22

3 night is my absolute maximum. For anyone.

Stompythedinosaur Thu 16-Sep-21 22:32:58

Christ, YANB at all U. 3 days hosting is plenty for anyone.

They are being very rude to try to force themselves on you for longer.

Your dh needs to handle it, though.

Walkingalot Thu 16-Sep-21 22:41:43

I don't think where they sleep is the problem though is it. They'll still probably expect you to host them during the day/evenings.
Are you sure your OH is really being straight with them/you? Whilst he may not have directly said that you don't want them for 5/6 days, maybe he's let them think it? Surely if they think that you are both on the same page, they wouldn't want to outstay their welcome? Plus, are neither of you working or have other commitments - surely no one would be that inconsiderate!

Battleoftheislands Thu 16-Sep-21 22:44:19

The trouble is, DH is just shit at communication. He never properly gets to the point, or isn’t pointed enough with his responses. His tactic tonight has been to ignore her ‘I’m booking a hotel then’ type responses and to just keep messaging with the ‘are you not staying with us next weekend then?’ Which she keeps ignoring and keeps going on about the campervan and booking into a hotel.

I know exactly what the game is, it’s to ‘punish us’ and make DH ‘beg’ for them to come and stay, and possibly then end up agreeing to the 5 or 6 nights.

I just find it so rude. I would never dictate how long I stay in someone’s home for. The trouble is, they all see it as their home too. It’s not. Their name’s are not in the deeds/ mortgage and they don’t contribute to the mortgage, but what’s family is theirs is the sort of attitude they have.

It’s also not just the duration of the stays, it’s their arrival times too. They always insist on arriving at lunchtime when DH isn’t home from work til 7pm (I WFH or am from our different offices/ sites.) there have been multiple times when they’ve said they’ll be arriving on a Thursday or Friday for the weekend and have siad to DH they’ll be arriving at 12pm. DH has then told me that and I’ve said ‘But you’re not home til 7 and they know that, so why can’t they arrive at 5 or 6. I’m working.’ DH then says to them ‘well I won’t be home til 7 though.’ And they say ‘yes that’s fine, just leave the spare keys out for us.’ It’s like I don’t fucking exist or have any right to a say in anything in my own home.

OP’s posts: |
pelosi Thu 16-Sep-21 22:46:37

grasstreeleaf

One option is to only entertain the days you said and then really carry on as if they weren't there. Make appointments, arrangements with other friends, work, you name it. Have tradesmen round doing as many jobs that need doing that you can think off. Be busy and show it. Hopefully they will realise how you are fixed and cannot stop everything for them.

I don’t think this will work. OP has got them down to 3 days (just). Letting them stay for 5-6 days will undo that and will be a disaster.

OP, stay firm.

ChrissyPlummer Thu 16-Sep-21 22:47:41

Book yourself into a hotel for the 5-6 days and leave DH to deal with them 😁.

pelosi Thu 16-Sep-21 22:49:48

Battleoftheislands

The trouble is, DH is just shit at communication. He never properly gets to the point, or isn’t pointed enough with his responses. His tactic tonight has been to ignore her ‘I’m booking a hotel then’ type responses and to just keep messaging with the ‘are you not staying with us next weekend then?’ Which she keeps ignoring and keeps going on about the campervan and booking into a hotel.

I know exactly what the game is, it’s to ‘punish us’ and make DH ‘beg’ for them to come and stay, and possibly then end up agreeing to the 5 or 6 nights.

I just find it so rude. I would never dictate how long I stay in someone’s home for. The trouble is, they all see it as their home too. It’s not. Their name’s are not in the deeds/ mortgage and they don’t contribute to the mortgage, but what’s family is theirs is the sort of attitude they have.

It’s also not just the duration of the stays, it’s their arrival times too. They always insist on arriving at lunchtime when DH isn’t home from work til 7pm (I WFH or am from our different offices/ sites.) there have been multiple times when they’ve said they’ll be arriving on a Thursday or Friday for the weekend and have siad to DH they’ll be arriving at 12pm. DH has then told me that and I’ve said ‘But you’re not home til 7 and they know that, so why can’t they arrive at 5 or 6. I’m working.’ DH then says to them ‘well I won’t be home til 7 though.’ And they say ‘yes that’s fine, just leave the spare keys out for us.’ It’s like I don’t fucking exist or have any right to a say in anything in my own home.

I actually think you’re being too accommodating already.

I would personally tell them they need to book a hotel even for weekend stays, but appreciate your DH may want them to stay?

In that case, be very firm with timings. Don’t open the door until the agreed time or thereabouts.

It’s not their house and they need to be reminded of that!

WhatAShilohPitt Thu 16-Sep-21 22:51:55

I’d be very tempted to make even their next short visit - since they can’t even manage to arrive at a time that suits you - rather uncomfortable. Nip out to get the food shop. Have a tradesman round. Leave to go out for an appointment. Let your DH entertain them. When they start inviting themselves on their own terms and having sulks, they stop being guests and start being pains in the arse that need reminding that it’s your home, not theirs.

fruitbrute Thu 16-Sep-21 22:55:57

Bloody hell YANBU. I drive an hour to an hour and a half (traffic depending) just to get to work every day, then the same back, there's no need at all to make it a stay of nearly a week! My daughter lives a six hour drive away and I stay in a hotel when I visit and then only for a day or two. I would hate to be a guest for that long and would doubly hate to have anyone stay for 6 days (apart from my early 20s kids and even then it gets a bit annoying). Honestly your DH needs to step up here and tell them straight

621CustardCream438 Thu 16-Sep-21 23:02:38

2.5 hours each way is a daily commute for some people! That’s definitely day tripping distance, maybe over one night. You stay for a week with people you see every couple of years who live abroad. Stick to your guns.

13579db Thu 16-Sep-21 23:04:24

Tell them the guest bed is broken and you'll get around to replacing it (but won't)
Tell them council have put restrictions on parking of campervans in the area
Meet them halfway somewhere in a nice hotel cafe for a coffee once a month? Make a firm date so no one can blur the boundaries here or change plans.

Or just keep saying 'that doesn't work for us right now'

I have similar issues with my DM so I'm eager to find out more solutions to this one.

13579db Thu 16-Sep-21 23:08:43

If you're WFH when they arrive early on purpose, just don't answer the door.

Your DH is responsible for them, it's not your problem.

Just don't agree to it.

It's easier said than done I know

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