to think this workplace situation is completely inappropriate?

[Lu781]

Man in senior management position, mid 40s. Was previously responsible for training and mentoring junior member of staff, but once she had moved to another department (but still a trainee) instigated a sexual relationship with her, despite his position within the company and living with a woman (claimed it was a platonic relationship)

The junior - early 20s but very naive/ sexually and emotionally inexperienced, had never had a boyfriend nor had sex (or gone further than kissing).

The 'relationship' ended after a few months when he decided she was too young for him, after which the junior ended up out of a job. Not as a direct result, but it certainly didn't help matters.

Was this inappropriate on his part? (or indeed both their parts?)

[Mantlemoose]

Inappropriate on both parties behalf.

[takealettermsjones]

It depends on the company policy. At mine, if she's not in his direct line management chain, it's permissible. That obviously doesn't mean it's ok morally, and he certainly wouldn't be invited over for Christmas if it was my daughter.

[DressBitch]

She's a grown woman, not a child.

They may have acted against company policy but he didn't take advantage if that's what you're trying to imply.

[girlmom21]

They're two grown adults who entered into a relationship that didn't work out.

You clearly think he was in the wrong. Are you her mom? How do you know how sexually inexperienced she was?

[Lu781]

Nothing specific in company policy against workplace relationships let se but would be likely to be frowned upon by professional governing body.

[MaryHadALittleDramHicHic]

It's all a bit urgh but they are both adults
Who are you in this?

[Lu781]

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

[INeed2P]

In my company once you're not in the same team or in a position of leadership directly over the person (line manager etc) it's allowed.

The issue of her being out of a job afterwards - without knowing the actual reason why then this information is neither here nor there (did she fail probation / was she underperforming etc).

I think he acted appropriately if he only had a sexual relationship with her when he was no longer her manager. I think she acted appropriately as he was a single man.

[DoylyCarte]

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

No personally I don’t. Unless of course there’s some kind of additional needs.

[takealettermsjones]

Unfortunately no, there's no difference. Although she didn't have those experiences before, there was always going to be a first time. Age gap relationships are relatively common. I understand that this has upset you (I'm assuming you're her mum) but I don't think there's anything you can (or should) do.

[INeed2P]

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

The difference here is levels of experience, obviously.

However I don't think this means he was in the wrong - when I met my DP he was more experienced, whereas I hadn't had a sexual relationship before. This is normal in relationships, not everyone has the same levels of experience! Everyone is inexperienced at some point, then gets experience by doing said deeds.

It seems you clearly feel she was hard done by (lots of emphasis on her lack of experience) - is this because the relationship didn't work out?

[LemonFantaGin]

She was a consenting adult, he was a consenting adult,it didn't work, it happens, they didn't break any 'workplace rules'
I don't see anything wrong.

Is there a reason your pushing this?

[girlmom21]

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

Lots of people have long term relationships with/marry the first person they ever have any relations with.

You can't get experience but having no experiences.

Many adults will have had their first kiss or sexual experience in their teens. The older you get the less likely you are to find someone with no sexual experience.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

The only thing that I would wonder is whether he unduly influenced the decision to sack her after the relationship didn’t work out.

But to answer the above question, yes there is a difference between a 20 something that has had several serious relationships, versus a 20 something that hasn’t, but it’s not in maturity, it’s only experience,

Could equally argue that the 20 something who is falling into bed more often is less mature than the 20 something who decides to be more choosy. Inexperience doesn’t equate to immaturity.

[CorrBlimeyGG]

Does this woman have any difficulties or differences that make her particularly vulnerable?

I can't see any indication of manipulation or coercion. Having different past experiences does not automatically make two people incompatible.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I'm guessing you are her mother?

Honestly, by the time a woman gets into her early 20s, she is not a child, and her past experience or inexperience is not the responsibility of her partner.

I understand why this leaves a bad taste in your mouth, but the truth is these days most people meet their partners at work, and relationships will always form there.

How does the woman herself feel about the situation?

[slashlover]

Are you saying virgins should only date virgins?

[VladmirsPoutine]

Were you the young woman in question?

It was inappropriate yes.

[Haffiana]

@Lu781

Do you not think there's any difference between someone who has, say, been involved in a number of serious relationships since their teens, and another person who has had no such experiences, and just kissed a few guys at parties?

No of course not. There is no difference in whether or not it is appropriate.

[Canigooutyet]

We all start out inexperienced in various things and these experiences good and bad help us to learn and grow.
If she was there for less than 2 years they can get rid of people for whatever reason. If she thinks the decision to get rid of her due to what happened perhaps she could give Acas a call.

[user1471517900]

Love the wording of the OP. "Instigated a sexual relationship with her". I presume she was a willing part of this. Your wording makes it sound creepy, like she had no free will and it was something done to her.

[TheOrigRights]

Are you the young woman or related to her?

[Milkbottlelegs]

If you’re expecting people to agree with you OP you’ve asked in the wrong place. The MN massive is famous for thinking that big age gaps are totally appropriate.

We really have no idea what happened but it’s obvious you think he took advantage. For me her previous experience is not relevant. Either he took advantage of her/his position or he didn’t. It could have been a totally above board relationship, but if any of my peers on my team (senior management, all 40s) started a relationship with a member of staff in their early 20s I would not be impressed.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Inappropriate on his part He had a partner and the age gap/power imbalance makes it ick. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was grooming her.
Bit surprised at the majority of comments tbh. I don’t think decent men behave in this way

[MichelleScarn]

Both adults so both 'inappropriate is this historical and you are the woman?
Early 20s is not young unless someone has purposefully kept the woman sheltered and away from life why is she so naive?