To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

(215 Posts)
GirlWithABrokenSmile Thu 05-Aug-21 16:46:07

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

OP’s posts: |
NoSquirrels Thu 05-Aug-21 16:49:33

Send your DH alone. You’re feeling a bit under the weather, aren’t you? Better safe than sorry to get some rest in…

NoSquirrels Thu 05-Aug-21 16:50:40

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Both your DH and your MIL are unreasonable in this scenario, btw.

MoonlightWanderer Thu 05-Aug-21 16:51:35

I was going to say the same. Say you aren’t feeling well and tell him to go alone.

Wiredforsound Thu 05-Aug-21 16:53:14

Could you go for the meal and then go home? After all, you are pregnant and can get very tired in the evenings.

Onesailwait Thu 05-Aug-21 17:03:21

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Thu 05-Aug-21 17:04:42

Onesailwait

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?.

Exactly,

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loobylou10 Thu 05-Aug-21 17:05:52

"They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?."

Couldn't agree more. Just go OP, you'll be mid 70's one day!

MyFloorIsLava Thu 05-Aug-21 17:06:38

Onesailwait

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?.

You've obviously not had that many dinners with exhausting people, lucky you 😁

Yes OP you're looking dreadfully peaky. What's that? A new cough?

Onesailwait Thu 05-Aug-21 17:12:42

@MyFloorIsLava Nope, I'm just not precious & I make an effort to have a good relationship with my in-laws.

GirlWithABrokenSmile Thu 05-Aug-21 17:12:59

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?

I don't know if it's just my pregnancy, but everything is exhausting and I'm usually asleep by 10!

Instead, I've got a 90-minute drive each way and some people who, although lovely, I can't relax around, and who aren't easy. I'd probably prefer the hike, at least there would be things around to talk about!

I'll chat to DH again. We went out for a meal two weeks ago and after 45 minutes, FIL said that he had nothing left to say to us and totally stopped talking. The atmosphere was awful. He even told the waiter that they don't like spending this much time with anyone when he served us blush

But MIL does get bored easily, and she is DH's mum, and loves him a lot. I'm grateful for that.

Very tempted to take the "tired and unwell" route and at least come home after dinner, but I'll talk to DH.

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Thu 05-Aug-21 17:17:24

Too tired to eat food and watch telly at 20ish weeks is prob a hard sell to anyone who's been pregnant before.

GirlWithABrokenSmile Thu 05-Aug-21 17:18:27

Just go OP, you'll be mid 70's one day!

It's not their age that's the problem! I only mentioned that for the context that they retired a long time ago and seem to have exhausted any hobbies or interests that they've had.

I do make an effort with them. I meet MIL for coffee in town, I go shopping with her despite hating shopping, because that's what she likes to do.

But long meals at their house are like slow torture. Nobody enjoys them. MIL cooks but hates it - she had an ED for most of her life and doesn't eat much. FIL will comment that she only cooks when someone else is there. We'll chat okay for a bit, but it'll run out and everyone stops trying after an hour, and it's just painful. So, so painful. People even commented on it at our wedding.

I do try hard with them. They seem to like me, MIL talks to me far more than she talks to DH, she's very excited about the baby.

But 6 hours feels like SO long right now, to do anything. I pee once every half an hour, I'm uncomfortable and bloated, my appetite is rubbish and I'm tired. I'll go anyway.

Thanks for the perspectives.

OP’s posts: |
loobylou10 Thu 05-Aug-21 17:18:33

'@MyFloorIsLava Nope, I'm just not precious & I make an effort to have a good relationship with my in-laws.'

God, again I totally agree with you @Onesailwait. I have 2 boys and I dread being a mother in law when some women are so difficult.

junebirthdaygirl Thu 05-Aug-21 17:18:52

Do you mean 90 there and 90 back. That is a lot while pregnant. I hated travelling in a car while pregnant. I also hated eating in other people's houses as felt a lot of nausea made worse by some foods. Can you just say you will both arrive for the Match or whatever you are watching...that's enough.
Your dh needs to understand this.
I am all for giving attention to mil but it's looks like when you agree to one thing she adds on another bit.

GirlWithABrokenSmile Thu 05-Aug-21 17:20:11

Do you mean 90 there and 90 back

Yeah. To be fair, DH will offer to drive both ways, usually we'd do one each.

But I don't want to be a nightmare, if most people think I'm being awful, it's genuinely not my intention and I'll pull myself together.

OP’s posts: |
loobylou10 Thu 05-Aug-21 17:20:36

@GirlWithABrokenSmile Sorry, I'm
Probably being too hard on you and I do get that it's draining but I think this event doesn't sound too tiresome in the grand scheme of things.

Hardbackwriter Thu 05-Aug-21 17:23:19

Do you mean 90 there and 90 back. That is a lot while pregnant. I hated travelling in a car while pregnant.

At 21 weeks with a bump that's only just appeared?!

OP, If you don't want to go you don't want to go and I think your DH is being unreasonable (and a bit pathetic) if he wants to go but not without you - it's dinner with his parents not the year 11 disco, it won't be embarrassing to go without a date - but I do think you're being quite precious about the pregnancy and you sound a bit silly saying it'll simply be too exhausting

lastqueenofscotland Thu 05-Aug-21 17:23:47

3 hour round trip and you see them every ten days?!
God fuck that.

LagneyandCasey Thu 05-Aug-21 17:25:35

Do you feel like you always have to go? My dh often visits his parents on his own. Just because we're married it doesn't mean we're joined at the hip and do all family visits together.

I would start getting him into the habit of going on his own occasionally before the baby is born. Once baby is old enough he could even take the baby along to give you a break.

FrownedUpon Thu 05-Aug-21 17:27:40

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Polkadots2021 Thu 05-Aug-21 17:28:50

GirlWithABrokenSmile

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

Just say you have appalling all day morning sickness and can't make it!

Nydj Thu 05-Aug-21 17:28:57

SleepingStandingUp

Too tired to eat food and watch telly at 20ish weeks is prob a hard sell to anyone who's been pregnant before.

Pregnancy affects different people differently. It looks like you were fine at 20 weeks and that’s great. I, on the other hand, found a lot of things exhausting at 20 weeks until about 9pm everyday when I was able to throw up and get some respite from the nausea. This made me very tired. Other people may have different reasons for feeling tired at 20 weeks.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Thu 05-Aug-21 17:29:17

Give yourself the night off and let DH take the strain.

ElizaDoolots Thu 05-Aug-21 17:29:54

We went out for a meal two weeks ago and after 45 minutes, FIL said that he had nothing left to say to us and totally stopped talking.

Oh wow. That’s brutal. No wonder MIL wants to see you all the time, she’s probably bored stiff living with him.

I’m also heavily pregnant and going to bed at 9 most nights, so would struggle with staying there until 10:30 with a 90 min drive home afterwards. I’d either send DH by himself or go for dinner and come home earlier.

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