Bf's best friend & wife

(122 Posts)
dorsetmamaa Thu 05-Aug-21 15:08:30

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

Bf's closest friend and wife have 2 kids, the daughter is the same age as mine so lately I've been arranging playdates.

Firstly, the wife doesn't drive so i have to go there to pick up her dd and bring her back to mine then obviously drop her home.

So far we have had 4 play dates, 2 initiated by me 2 initiated directly between the girls to which we obviously agreed.

The last couple of times the wife had asked if i could take the son also, which p'd me off as I'm not just offering to babysit, its a playdate for the girls.

Anyway the last playdate the girls had a fight, i didn't see what happened but they both had marks so i place the blame on both. Following this, the wife when asking what happened very much took the approach of, my poor dd, why did yours do this.

Keeping in mind this is the wife of my bf's best friend i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other. That was that, she agreed.

Following that, her dd has been sending mine messages non stop, being nasty swearing etc. Mine is no longer allowed to reply or pick up the phone. Ive informed the mum. It is still continuing,

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area? Or at least return the favour, as the last 4 playdates were on me. (Not now that we've had this situation, but prior to that)

Also her dd is just not very nice and i am no longer willing for a friendship to form.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

I obviously dont want bf to be upset but shes simply selfish!

OP’s posts: |
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 05-Aug-21 15:13:12

I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me

Erm. No. Why should she? Who made you the princess?

Sounds as though you have tried to force your daughter into a friendship with her daughter and they obviously don't get on.

Stop trying to force this relationship.

Find your own interests and friends. And allow the same for your DD. Yes, it takes time but surely you took that into account before you moved yourself AND your DD?

dorsetmamaa Thu 05-Aug-21 15:16:17

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Well its more the polite thing to do being that you have such a close bond with my bf. Maybe thats just how i would be.

Also it wasnt forced, the girls had met previously a few times before we moved and got on great so it seemed like a no brainer.

OP’s posts: |
thing47 Thu 05-Aug-21 15:49:45

The girls have had a falling out. It may blow over, it often does at that age, but for now I'd block all contact and pause the friendship. There's no reason why the children should be friends just because their fathers are, and no need for either mother to feel bad about it.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone Thu 05-Aug-21 16:24:11

Block the number from your daughters phone. still go out on double dates with the agreement that you dont discuss the kids. as for taking the son CF

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo Thu 05-Aug-21 16:28:19

My kids are much older now, OP, but 9 seems very young to have their own phone - or am I hideously out of date?

LuxOlente Thu 05-Aug-21 16:31:11

Yes, that's very young for her own phone. Nip that in the bud.

And just let the matter go. With no phones, the little darling can't text abuse any more, and maybe you won't even meet the "boyfriend's best friend's wife" again, or you might but as adults. No need to force fake friendships on your poor kids. Let them make their own friends.

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Hopdathelf Thu 05-Aug-21 16:38:52

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area?

Not really the point of the threat but this is a terrible attitude.

dorsetmamaa Thu 05-Aug-21 18:55:49

@Hopdathelf but honing in one one part out of context just to criticise is a good attitude to have?

OP’s posts: |
Hopdathelf Thu 05-Aug-21 19:03:48

You asked for opinions on the scenario, I gave you my opinion on part of it. You sound very defensive.

bluebeck Thu 05-Aug-21 19:06:30

I don't understand how the girl is still sending abusive messages? Is she not blocked?

Find your own friends and give this relationship a break.

Gardenwalldilema Thu 05-Aug-21 19:07:29

I'd probably start by removing the phone, a 9 year old has no need for a connected mobile of their own.
School will start in a minute and she'll make her own friends, just swerve this for now.

YouJustDoYou Thu 05-Aug-21 19:10:12

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area?

What?? No! lol. It's nobody's "responsibility" to do things like this.

Returnoftheowl Thu 05-Aug-21 19:11:41

Block the former friend from your DD's phone.

It's not up to your boyfriend's best friend's wife to welcome you to an area. If anything that's your boyfriend's job.

Waspsarearseholes Thu 05-Aug-21 19:13:44

I'm astounded that the girls were physically fighting. I've been a teacher for 18 years and have never heard of nine year old girls physically fighting on a play date. Falling out! All the time, but physically fighting bad enough to leave marks is quite alarming.
Block this girl's number from your daughter's phone and give it a while before socialising with your boyfriend's friend and his wife to give it time to blow over. I definitely wouldn't be encouraging a friendship between the girls in the future.

Ireolu Thu 05-Aug-21 19:15:51

Just out of interest what was the mums response to sweary nasty messages to her daughter to your child? Did she say anything specifically?

Agree 9 is too young for a phone. I would be mortified if my child sent horrible messages to another child at any age.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal Thu 05-Aug-21 19:18:30

If you're going to encourage friendships with kids of your friends you might want to agree from the start that you'll not let dcs fall outs affect your friendships as adults. Kids don't always get on and they need to be able to deal with this as they get older.

It's not really 1 adults responsibility over another to start a friendship. Hopefully these things develop naturally if you give it a bit of time.

Notimeforaname Thu 05-Aug-21 19:18:45

What did she say when you told her the child is swearing and sending abusive texts?

I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area?
I dont agree with this either..you offered,she accepted.

But YANBU about the rest.

saraclara Thu 05-Aug-21 19:19:04

Yep, it's very strange that two nine year girls should physically fight and leave marks.

But on a practical level, just block the other girl's number and get in with your lives.
Absolutely don't hey into any communicating about the kids with the other mother. Just bat any message back with "I don't know, I wasn't there, and we're each only going to get one side of the story, so let's just give them a break from each other"

saraclara Thu 05-Aug-21 19:20:06

Apologies for typos. A couple of glasses of wine have been imbibed.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 05-Aug-21 19:22:37

Why would your boyfriend expect you to spend with someone who lets their kid be really horrible to yours? That would be outrageous.

Make your own friends, has your DD had to move schools? Do you work? Find other avenues for socialising.

This woman owes you nothing for having moved to the area, but you equally owe her nothing, least of all free childcare.

Bluntness100 Thu 05-Aug-21 19:23:02

Are you usually quite into big drama and falling out with folks? Genuine question? Do you seem to have a lot of drama in yout life.?

jelly79 Thu 05-Aug-21 19:26:15

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area?

I agree with this, at least if I was the friend I would make an effort to welcome you!!

Wjevtvha Thu 05-Aug-21 19:31:21

It’s a shame as it would have been nice for her to welcome you etc but I’d accept that she’s not that kind of person and just let contact drop then if something is arranged where you see her then you’re polite etc but don’t try to pursue a friendship.
I had a similar situation when I moved to a new area and I hoped DHs friends wife would be someone I could be friends with etc and it was disappointing to just have to accept that she wasn’t interested

dorsetmamaa Thu 05-Aug-21 19:31:38

@Returnoftheowl She doesnt actually have a phone its through her ipad but yes blocking is a good shout

OP’s posts: |

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