In-laws and my father's funeral

(84 Posts)
DuckingQuackers Wed 04-Aug-21 09:12:31

My father recently passed away. We have been distracted with dealing with and recognised that we had been ignoring the in-laws a bit so dh rang them to sort a date after things calm down to see them. My mil kicked off at my husband after he explained that the funeral is for immediate family only. Numbers are restricted and I am from a large family, so only my father's children, wife, step children, grand children, great grandchildren, his sils, his nieces are attending. We are meeting his close friends for a quick drink afterwards but still keeping it quiet and low key. Mil feels she has the right to go, she wants to pay her respects. She has only met my father a few times at our childrens' christenings etc. She hasn't seen him in over a decade and has never had said a nice word about him. She told fil I was stopping them because I didn't want them there, and although, I don't want them there, the reason why they are not coming is because of the restricted numbers. Even his close friends of 70 years is not coming due to numbers. Then last night it kicked off again as it's family flowers only. There is going to be one display that is going on the coffin and then being taken to my mothers grave. We have said donations to my father's favourite charity for those that wish to do something in his memory. Is this really that unreasonable? AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
Porcupineintherough Wed 04-Aug-21 09:16:04

Of course YANBU. In normal times it might be reasonable for your inlaws to pay their respects, but your MiL making this difficult time more difficult for you is abhorrent.

Sorry for your loss flowers

clickychicky Wed 04-Aug-21 09:17:32

Your MIL is making it all about her. YANBU

Jumpingintosummer Wed 04-Aug-21 09:18:14

YANBU.

Notonthestairs Wed 04-Aug-21 09:18:27

Urgh. No you are not being unreasonable - fancy choosing to make a fuss over this rather than supporting you.

Cocomade Wed 04-Aug-21 09:19:34

I'm very sorry for your loss thanks
YANBU she's making this about her.

Lostinthemail Wed 04-Aug-21 09:20:26

I’m sorry for your loss.
YANBU and your MIL should be your DH’s to handle, quietly, without bothering you at all.

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Iloveacurry Wed 04-Aug-21 09:20:28

Sorry about your dad. Your MIL is a piece of work isn’t she. Surprised you haven’t told her to f* off! Just let your DH deal with her.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 04-Aug-21 09:20:45

I would be seeing a lot less of your MIL if I were you.

LookItsMeAgain Wed 04-Aug-21 09:21:46

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

So sorry for your loss.

Your DH needs to have a not so quiet word in his mum's ear and say to her that this is not about her. These are the wishes of your whole family - your siblings included and it is not about her, at all.
By turning your father's funeral into something about her she is really showing her true colours and it would be a long time before I'd be making a visit to her again as a result.
Does your church have a live internet feed of mass or funerals as a lot of churches in Ireland had to adopt to this technology very quickly during lockdown and when numbers were unbelievably small for those who could attend a funeral it was the only way that others could 'attend' a funeral service.

I'd be a little bit more lenient when it comes to family flowers only if she wants to send some. They will be put to one side and you focus on your arrangement for being placed on the coffin.

I 100% understand where you're coming from. Attendance would be a no but flowers if she wants, leave her be with that one.

Naunet Wed 04-Aug-21 09:21:56

Wow, what a nasty person she is. I’d leave your husband to deal with it, you don’t need the extra stress right now. Ignore the silly attention seeking cow, you’ve done nothing wrong.

My family had a funeral overlock down, I think the limit then was around 10 people, so lots of family and close friends didn’t get the chance to attend, but even without COVID, it doesn’t sound like your MiL would be on the “guest list” anyway, she didn’t know him.

Chamomileteaplease Wed 04-Aug-21 09:22:38

I hope you don't listen to her nonsense.

I have to say though, it seems sad that great grandchildren who are presumably quite young and not so aware are going in place of "close friends of 70 years". It is sad that these friends can't attend.

Blossomtoes Wed 04-Aug-21 09:22:55

She’s being unreasonable. But I’ve always thought the family flowers only thing is unreasonable too. It makes no difference to anyone how many flowers there are and the “waste of money” argument doesn’t fly either, you can only decide not to waste your own money. Let her send some flowers, OP.

moonbedazzled Wed 04-Aug-21 09:23:01

I'm sorry about your father. It's a very stressful time for you. I agree that if anyone should go, it should be his best friend over your mil. But, honestly, I wouldn't be making a fuss over the flowers. You don't need to take them to your mother's grave, you can just say they were a lovely thought and leave it at that. Is this a battle you really need, when you want to be trying to come to terms with your loss?

NoYOUbekind Wed 04-Aug-21 09:23:30

Flipping heck OP, of course you are not being U. Your MIL is being a total dick about things, where has she been for the last 18 months, has she not seen the millions of press articles about reduced numbers at funerals?

Ignore her. Leave her to DH and ignore her. You've got enough going on.

Also, having just buried a family member - funerals bring out the absolute worst in some people and yet the absolute best in others. Sorry for your loss.

Marmalady75 Wed 04-Aug-21 09:28:37

I’m sorry for your loss. It must be such a hard time for you. As others have said, your mil is making this about her and not thinking about you or your family. Try to put it out of your mind and focus on what is actually important at this time. flowers

Stath Wed 04-Aug-21 09:33:12

Blossomtoes

She’s being unreasonable. But I’ve always thought the family flowers only thing is unreasonable too. It makes no difference to anyone how many flowers there are and the “waste of money” argument doesn’t fly either, you can only decide not to waste your own money. Let her send some flowers, OP.

Sometimes, when lots of floral tributes turn up at the funeral home it can end up causing issues.
Sometimes an extra ‘flower hearse’ is required (at extra cost) or flowers have to be left.
How do you think the MIL’s flowers are going to be taken to the crem/church etc. if there’s no room in the hearse?

Nosilayak Wed 04-Aug-21 09:35:19

My mum died 5 years ago in horrific circumstances. We just wanted a very small, immediate family only funeral. Luckily, my in laws, who were close to my mum, understood and kept away. However, my sisters in laws, who hadn't seen my dm for years, turned up at the funeral to 'pay their respects' showing absolutely no respect for our wishes. My sister was most embarrassed, saying they'd insisted on coming. Then her Mil started loudly teasing my brother, a man in his fifties, about things he'd done as a teenager, when he just wanted to quietly grieve, resulting in him going off alone afterwards when we'd all planned to go back my house together. I'm still annoyed that my ds's husband didn't stop them from coming.

Blossomtoes Wed 04-Aug-21 09:36:04

How do you think the MIL’s flowers are going to be taken to the crem/church etc. if there’s no room in the hearse?

One extra floral tribute won’t make a blind bit of difference. We said all flowers welcome for my mum, one person sent them.

LookItsMeAgain Wed 04-Aug-21 09:36:41

@Stath - the extra flowers could be left in the church or donated to the Women's Aux to be use for altar arrangements or arrangements throughout the church.
There is more than one way to deal with this.

Please ask your DH to have a word with his mother @DuckingQuackers. He needs to sort this out for you.

Mrs08 Wed 04-Aug-21 09:37:18

Weddings and funerals...
Often bring out the "real" person ime
Sorry for your loss x

whyayepetal Wed 04-Aug-21 09:38:07

Anything other than showing support to the immediate family in this situation (except possibly keeping a respectful and quiet distance if you are unable to do that) is selfish and unacceptable.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Perhaps your DH could have a kind but firm word, reiterating your family’s wishes, and suggesting that a donation to the nominated charity would be an ideal way for MIL to pay her respects if she wishes.

Sorry for your loss flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 04-Aug-21 09:40:24

Your MIL is a veritable Grief Thief, isn't she?

Your DH needs to be firm, or it would be entirely understandable if you lost your temper with her.

@Chamomileteaplease who would look after the younger family members of the adults are all at the funeral?

OP can arrange a memorial for old friends as soon as is practicable, if she wants to.

Aprilx Wed 04-Aug-21 09:43:38

I didn’t realise there was still a restriction of funeral numbers.

I have sadly had four close family funerals in the last decade and I was always comforted that people wanted to attend.

ImitationofBeing Wed 04-Aug-21 09:44:13

My mother did this when DH's dad died. His DM only wanted immediate family, no fuss, no cars - we walked to the church, no wake afterwards.

My mother was furious she could not attend. Since this event she has never once asked how DH and his family are. Our communication has decreased and I've not seen her for months. She cannot understand it was not her right to be there. Its upsetting and bloody annoying.

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