Step daughter's boyfriend wants to move in

(241 Posts)
GiftOfGob Wed 04-Aug-21 08:37:02

I am new to this so please bear with me!

My SD has asked whether her boyfriend can stay in our home from Mon to Fri while he's working an hour away (and away from the flat they share). He is already living away in the week in a shared house supplied by his boss. This is about the same distance as the crow flies as our home.

Although they've been living together for years, we barely know the man as relations with SD have always been strained since we got together and have never improved even though she is long an adult now.

We have young children under 12 and my OH works long hours.

On the one occasion we asked him to help us out as we were struggling, he let us down at short notice even though we had offered to pay him.

He has never helped out when he has visited or put his hand in his pocket and offer as much as a drink to my OH yet quite happy to accept meals, going for the most expensive meal on the menu. He has been outspoken about our house and my OH's relationship with his daughter. We only ever seem to hear from them when there's a problem or they want something, be it a loan, help with a mortgage, request for money, etc. BTW these are not young people starting out in life. She is 27 and he is 35 and earning a good wage.

We live in a high octane house and would not want anyone living here full time in the week, least of all someone I've only met a handful of times and barely know and it isn't like he doesn't have another option. I have suggested he can come stay a night once in a while to break up the house sharing which I think is a fair compromise.

SD is now getting abusive and insulting towards me which is her usual MO when she doesn't get her way. She is throwing that my OH stayed with them 3 times over a course of months into the mix, hardly 4 nights a week for months. He would at least buy dinner and food for them too.

Standing firm on this, just wanted to put out the feelers to see if there are any points I'm missing...

Hope this is clear. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Darbs76 Wed 04-Aug-21 08:38:47

I think you’re definitely right to say no. They are adults, why can’t they get their own place near to his work. Either way not your responsibility to have them, I wouldn’t want them either. Stay firm

gobackanddoitproperly Wed 04-Aug-21 08:38:50

I agree with you.

What is a high octane house?

something2say Wed 04-Aug-21 08:39:03

You are fine. Stand firm and he will find somewhere else and this will fade away. It is your right to say no.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye Wed 04-Aug-21 08:40:19

I’m confused, why does he need to stay with you? From her point of view.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye Wed 04-Aug-21 08:40:51

BTW you’re right to say no.

GetTaeFuck Wed 04-Aug-21 08:41:55

Wtf? Why does he need to stay with you?

In fact it doesn’t matter why, the answer is no.

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EL8888 Wed 04-Aug-21 08:42:45

No, just no. I’m not a fan of house guests for weeks at a time. Plus you’re busy people. Even more no when you say what their behaviour is like

gamerchick Wed 04-Aug-21 08:42:59

It's a no and if she doesn't knock off the abuse, she can bugger off as well.

Stand up for yourself.

MrsTulipTattsyrup Wed 04-Aug-21 08:44:20

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye

I’m confused, why does he need to stay with you? From her point of view.

He’s probably having to contribute financially to the place he’s staying in now, and thinks he can stay with OP without having to put his hand in his pocket because he’s ‘family’. They seem very focussed on money, and specifically how much of the OP and her partner’s they can appropriate.

saraclara Wed 04-Aug-21 08:45:21

What is her father saying to her? Why is it down to you to tell them no and take the flak for it?

ConstanceGracy Wed 04-Aug-21 08:45:48

I’m so confused .. she moaned about your OH staying over ? Is that not her dad? And if it’s not why is she even still there ? And if they share a flat why are they in your house at all?

Horehound Wed 04-Aug-21 08:46:01

Nope!

HelloDulling Wed 04-Aug-21 08:46:30

Her reaction/behaviour has made this so easy for you.

ConstanceGracy Wed 04-Aug-21 08:47:03

Oh sorry, you mean your oh stayed at his daughters .. I think !

legalseagull Wed 04-Aug-21 08:49:43

Why??? He's 35 and has his own flat share. Why would he want to stay with you?

Just say no. You don't want a house mate in your family home. Even if he was lovely and paid his way

Theunamedcat Wed 04-Aug-21 08:52:38

Umm no and about the abuse HELL NO wtf does she think stamping her feet will do in this situation

CorianderBee Wed 04-Aug-21 08:53:01

You don't want another adult in the house and so you don't have to. God I wouldn't want an extra in my family home (bar for a week or so when they need help or something). He's an adult. Tell her to grow up.

GullyGull Wed 04-Aug-21 08:54:11

Definitely stand firm OP. You are right to say no, its your home too.

GiftOfGob Wed 04-Aug-21 08:57:16

Our family home is way more cushty than a house share and he would expect to be included in family meals at a guess!

We are only ever privy to SD's inner circle which comprises her Mum and Nan when it comes to money!

Over the years I have stood my ground because her values and mine are very different and have been vilified in the process. Still hostile towards me referring to me as 'your wife' to her Dad/my OH.

It will go away as it usually does when she doesn't get her own way, however doesn't stop her from trying!

I have told my OH/her Dad he needs to set her straight. Think he's scared of her and still riddled with guilt from meeting me all those years ago...

OP’s posts: |
Takenoprisoner Wed 04-Aug-21 08:58:24

Do not allow this rude, obnoxious, entitled and tight fisted man to move in one night a week. You'll never be rid of him.

If he wants a break from the houseshare, he can get a hotel room.

NatWestPigFamily Wed 04-Aug-21 08:58:56

Don’t do it, she is already being abusive and showing no respect towards you. You say you don’t know him well and have a busy household. They are both adults, he’s not homeless. I can’t see this ending well if you cave into the abuse.

DrSbaitso Wed 04-Aug-21 09:01:26

Think he's scared of her and still riddled with guilt from meeting me all those years ago...

What does this mean?

I'm not making any assumptions or judgements. I'm just observing that this sounds like a complicated back story and it's hard to know everything from one perspective.

That said, he's not your family and he sounds antisocial so I don't see any reason why he should be allowed to use your home as a Premier Inn when it suits him.

Takenoprisoner Wed 04-Aug-21 09:02:46

Also, you have young dc, why would you even consider allowing a man you say you barely know to stay overnight on a regular basis (once a week)?

DoubleTweenQueen Wed 04-Aug-21 09:03:42

It's a no from me too. He's a grown up!
He can stay in his house share. 35!!

What would be the reason for him wanting/needing to live with you? Absolutely none, would be my stab in the dark.

Honestly - I've been the SD, and this is bonkers.

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