I don't know where to start really....Split up with DH over a year ago. Was miserable for a while, about 5 years, him about 3...we were ticking along ok but he just never talked, drank too much, never helped with the kids, obsessed with work..I did everything along with working full time and I'd become resentful and miserable. We both agreed it was over and he was more devastated than me, but we got on with it, he moved out a year ago and he's been dating, me too, but the kids have never known that. He's been happy when dating but miserable when not. He's ok with the kids but doesn't really know how to deal with them. Ok for 24 hrs but can't cope with doing anything else when he's got them.
I've stayed in the house, to be honest not much has changed for them except they go to him two nights a week, he has a nice rental and we are gradually working through the legal stuff. I still do everything for the kids pretty much and work, plus I've got money worries on top of that but I'm still happier, he's been a better dad now he has to be and we are amicable, I bite my lip a lot to make everything ok for them and put myself out for them, things like doing all pick ups and drop offs as he doesn't drive, making sure they have nice days out and little camping breaks as he won't take them away, I am a teacher so I do all holiday childcare etc, he won't take time off so he sees them weekends during the holidays.
On the face of it we are all coping well.
But...DD is 11 and her mental health is shit. Anxiety, she thinks she has ADHD, she's said she thinks she's gay, bi, non binary, trans, all of it, changes every week, none of it is demonstrated in her clothes or who she seems to like, it's all a cry for help I think. I've tried getting help for her, counseling etc which we are waiting for, talking, telling her I love her regardless, doing nice things with her.
DS is 6 and the school recently asked if they could refer him for maybe ADHD or possibly ASD, he has awful trouble sleeping, they both do, I've only just sat down after getting them both to sleep, he has tantrums over the tiniest things, I'm doing what I can to help them but getting anywhere with it all is taking ages. They're both very clingy and attached to me, not surprising really as he was very distant with them, probably still is.
DD started self harming a week ago, I've chased counseling for her and contacted the GP, we've talked about ways of helping her anxiety and sensitivity to noise etc, confiscated her phone as she was talking with a friend about doing it and they were encouraging each other, and I'm trying to set up some control over it as I feel social media etc isn't helping. We've had a great week, baking, painting, camping, took her shopping and to get her ears pierced today, it's been lovely.
But they both just couldn't sleep tonight, it's always bad after they've spent time at their dads, worse as they are there two nights in a row as he won't have them during the week as it's the holidays. I'm exhausted and am trying to keep on top of DIY jobs on the house, getting work done, cleaning, plus days out so we aren't stuck inside.
I just think that if I'd just sucked it up, stayed with him, we could have maybe worked things out. I wouldn't be happy but they might. I spent Saturday at a barbeque with the guy I'm seeing, who is wonderful...had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.
I think I've basically fucked them up. Either because I put up with DH and his sullen, stroppy, disinterest in them and leaving it all to me, or because I got so sad and angry and exhausted because I did it all, or because I wanted out and now their lives have changed and they have to be without him, or me, for several nights.
I just can't see how things will improve, I feel like there's never going to be an improvement. I'm so much happier without him and with my BF, we've been work colleagues for 11 years and we get on so well and he's so patient and wants to eventually be a part of their lives, but I can't see a time when he will be able to, as there's no way I'm introducing anyone to them within the next year or so of course.
I just feel a bit hopeless really, sad my kids have become so anxious and sad and it's my fault. I don't know why I was so selfish to think I could do this, splitting up their family, and us all to come out unscathed.
AIBU?
To think I've fucked up my children. Feeling really down.
Theghostofchristmasarse · 04/08/2021 00:16
I couldn’t just read this and run. It’s clear how much you do for your DC and the efforts you make to mitigate your exH being a bit crap as a dad. Please don’t feel guilty—you’re doing so much better than you think. Keep on loving your kids. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best, and it is enough. They will be just fine. 
You're a fantastic mother. Absolutely brilliant! Your kids are lucky to have you.
Please do not blame yourself.
As mentioned above,do push for extra help for your children. You've been doing a great job so far the sounds of it.
Remember,you are just one person.
You haven't done anything wrong and definitely haven't done anything bad in regards to you children!
Get all the outside help and support you can. You also need to tell their father how much you need extra help.
Dont put yourself down op
It’s not your fault. At the very least, it’s DH’s as well as yours but honestly, it sounds like your DH was a lame husband and father and possibly is still not providing the fathering your children need right now. On your description of things, it sounds like you are not to blame at all. You did what had to be done. No better options were available to you.
11yo for a girl is a tricky age. You’ve done well to confiscate the phone and keep her close to you. She might need that more than you might guess. DS too. Would your DH be amenable to spending time with the kids at your home? Would that be better for them? Not seeing him at all would be abrupt and possibly worse than what they currently have, but perhaps going back and forth is too much for them right now?
Also, and sorry if this sounds stupid, but have you talked to them? Really listened to them in a context where they feel comfortable talking to you?
It does sound as though they need intense attention and reassurance and time. And strict bedtimes - DS acting up could partly be sheer exhaustion and worry. Prioritise. DIY and cleaning and days out should take a back seat to doing what they need to do in order to feel the feelings they need to feel. Perhaps that can happen while you’re doing DIY together, or cleaning together, or on a day trip (walking and talking is great).
Good luck
You haven't.
I'm so sorry you're under so much pressure, my DC are the same, DD 12 only over non binary phase asd add/DS disproportionate response to everything emotionally deregulated.
I'm in a stable happy relationship.
It is hard to admit I'm often envious of other parents too, I hate that DD is extremely anxious and a hermit, she excludes herself from social situations, it hurts and makes me feel at fault when I see girls her age out living.
Similarly with DS the constant flow of professionals involved in his care.
I read a post once from @formerbabe she said your real DC are nothing like the DC you imagined.
It helped me accept it isn't how I expected but they are who they are.
On the ex he is a selfish dick.
DS is on 3.5mg prescribed by a psychiatrist.
He is 6 too.
Not sure if he is over or yours is under prescribed. 
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