About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

[strengthinnumber]

Apparently she didn't think the friends were coming because we hadn't definitely told her they were. But we asked! And it's our holiday! And we didn't give her the details because she wasn't supposed to be here.

[FenceSplinters]

You have every right to be annoyed. Let her go home when she has calmed down.

[RoseRedRoseBlue]

You absolutely have the right to be seriously pissed off! I wouldn’t be able to put up with that.

[alphabetllama]

You have been incredibly patient up to this point. I definitely would not be staying with her there! She can't just kick your kids out of their room!?
Agree your husband needs to make it clear either she goes or you all go.
It may mean you can't use the place in the futy, but honestly, is it worth it?

[Number109]

YANBU to be annoyed.

She sounds lonely though, maybe you need to start holidaying elsewhere to avoid these blurred boundaries

[pastabest]

How far is it for her to drive home?

[Aquamarine1029]

I would be absolutely livid. Of course it's her house but she is needling in deliberately, she knew full well the arrangements, she's just being fucking horrible and selfish.

If I were you, I would say she is welcome to stay, and I am welcome to LEAVE.

[Branleuse]

i can see why youre annoyed, but its her holiday home and i think after this, you wont be allowed to use it again if you dont calm down

[ChocolateCakeYum]

She’s a drama Queen. Let her pout until she calms down and then tell her to go home.

[Fullofglee]

Difficult as it is her house thing is it ones with conditions and she wants to be part of your holiday I wouldn't ask again. I'd pack up and go back home to make a point.

[AmandaHoldensLips]

Hopefully she'll go home. And when you get home, time to set some firm boundaries.

Your DH can answer the door to her in future and sit at the kitchen table with her while you carry on with whatever you're doing.

[strengthinnumber]

But it's her house. And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium. And she is lovely but just not someone I want to be with lots and lots.
Poor DH is beside himself. He doesn't really like the holiday home because of bad childhood memories and this isn't helping him feel more positive about it. He never gets cross with his mum so she's reacted really badly now he has.
Wtf will the children's' friends think.

[Feelingoktoday]

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

[Aquamarine1029]

And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium

Irrelevant and not your responsibility. If she were concerned about income she shouldn't have offered it to you for free.

This bullshit is all about control. She wants you to know she has the position of power, just like when she intrudes at your home. It's all her own little pathetic game.

[RandomMess]

YANBU DH made it clear to his Mum and she has completely ignored him, just like she has about all these pop on visits that you end up hosting.

[strengthinnumber]

We are having a week with her at half term. DHs sister and family had a week with her at the start of the holidays. His brother and fiancé are doing the last week in Aug. She offered this and we didn't ask.
Am heading home now.
Excellent chips have put me in a better mood.

[Blossomtoes]

But it's her house. And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium

Exactly. You haven’t got a leg to stand on. Either you go home or suck it up. At least you know you’ll never be in this position again because this is your last holiday there, isn’t it?

[GreyEyedWitch]

You need to stop answering the door to your MIL when you're working from home for one thing.

YANBU to send MIL home though.

[PiffleWiffleWoozle]

I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Poor your DH, with the bad childhood memories. It seems somehow worse for him. I think he should drive her home if she can’t face it!

Can she sleep on the sofa alternatively?

I don’t think you should accept an offer to go there again, and reduce contact with her as much as you can.

[Lollypop701]

She needs to go home. Dh can’t back down. I wouldn’t use it again, the boundaries are too blurred.
However she offered the house, knowing she was not supposed to be there in the assumption she was going to turn up and dh wouldn’t lose his rag and she’d get what she wants. Just like turning up to you 3 times a week. You are both too polite and need much firmer boundaries..
Not a good time so I can’t talk now, I’m working
Now is not a good time
Sorry you can’t stay there is no room, as you were told

[BackforGood]

No, YANBU.
I'm not in the 'MiL hating' faction on here, but in this case she is BVU.

[WildingFae]

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

What you've said has nothing to do with the ops current dilemma.

[SilverBirchWithout]

Is there a local bed and breakfast or hotel where she could stay, if the journey back is not possible tonight?

[LtDansleg]

@Branleuse

i can see why youre annoyed, but its her holiday home and i think after this, you wont be allowed to use it again if you dont calm down

I imagine that the op isn’t going to want to stay again after this. I’d be mortified bringing other people’s children on holiday to have them kicked out of their room and then having to witness a domestic with the mil.
Is there a hotel nearby you can stay at op?