AIBU to expect MIL to pay

(236 Posts)
Muggymama Sun 01-Aug-21 11:57:37

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

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BaronessBomburst Sun 01-Aug-21 12:01:43

But she doesn't care and isn't interested or she wouldn't behave like she does. And the children will know this so ultimately it's her loss.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue Sun 01-Aug-21 12:01:55

YABU to have expectations.

Seeline Sun 01-Aug-21 12:04:13

Unless she doesn't even do Christmas and birthdays you ABU.

LagunaBubbles Sun 01-Aug-21 12:04:42

YABU to have expectations

Oh yeh completely ridiculous expectations that a Grandparent would actually want to buy their Grandkids things eh. hmm

DrManhattan Sun 01-Aug-21 12:05:30

It's her money. You are wasting your time thinking about this.

Mrgrinch Sun 01-Aug-21 12:06:46

What do you mean she "should pay"? Pay for what? You sound grabby and entitled to me. Clearly you only value a relationship based on gifts and money.

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ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sun 01-Aug-21 12:08:30

Does she buy them birthday and christmas presents?

Does she feed you all when you go to her house?

Mary46 Sun 01-Aug-21 12:08:39

Hi op my mum is mean. Mil is v kind gave her few quid when we did staycation. Seems make a major deal now paying house maintenance or diy etc

Returnoftheowl Sun 01-Aug-21 12:08:46

Unfortunately it's her money and she can do what she wants with it.

Does she see the children a lot? Is she generous with her time?

Muggymama Sun 01-Aug-21 12:08:49

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue

YABU to have expectations.

I know perhaps I shouldn't have expectations but was brought up with grandparents who did this and my parents do, I just thought it was the norm.

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ElizaDoolots Sun 01-Aug-21 12:08:56

Does she get them Christmas and Birthday presents? If so, YABU to expect that she should get them anything else.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe Sun 01-Aug-21 12:09:31

Some people just aren't generous. Luckily your parents are

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sun 01-Aug-21 12:09:56

Weird you equate knowing someone and understanding them based on how much they spend rather than time spent with them.

As for what the children need, that’s down to the parents to provide not others. They alone are responsible for that.

FourEyesGood Sun 01-Aug-21 12:10:18

This probably isn’t about different grandparenting styles, but rather about different personality styles. Your mother is generous with money and gifts and enjoys treating people; your mother-in-law prefers not to. My in-laws are the same and never spend much on their grandchildren; my children have never complained that grandma and granddad are mean or stingy (if they think it, they wisely keep it to themselves!).

Muggymama Sun 01-Aug-21 12:11:20

Seeline

Unless she doesn't even do Christmas and birthdays you ABU.

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

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RightYesButNo Sun 01-Aug-21 12:13:28

While I understand you might wish things were different, you’ve had 15 years to get used to the fact that’s how she is. I assume she wasn’t interested when they were born? Or…?

Also I don’t know if you exactly mean your title (I hope not; it sounds quite greedy). I’m hoping/thinking from reading your OP, you mean that you wish your MIL would show some interest in your DC’s interests and spoiling them, as is typical of grandparents. I imagine if she had a good relationship with them and was very demonstrative snd supportive (called them once a week, asked them about their lives and hobbies, kept track of when big events were and congratulated them), you probably wouldn’t mind if she didn’t give them “treats.” It’s the combination of that PLUS the fact that she seems not to care about them at all.

If that’s the case, I’m sorry, OP, as I’m sure you had a mental picture of a relationship with two sets of grandparents for your children, and it hasn’t worked out.

FourEyesGood Sun 01-Aug-21 12:14:42

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

I would love this instead of the weird shit that my in-laws buy for our children at birthdays and Christmas.

Clydesider Sun 01-Aug-21 12:14:52

YABU for saying she's from a generation when things were 'easier' alone.

Muggymama Sun 01-Aug-21 12:14:58

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Weird you equate knowing someone and understanding them based on how much they spend rather than time spent with them.

As for what the children need, that’s down to the parents to provide not others. They alone are responsible for that.

It's knowing what their favourite things are, what they like to do, their interests etc. that's what I mean about knowing and understanding them.

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Blossomtoes Sun 01-Aug-21 12:15:09

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates

So they get what they want. It would be easier for her to give them the cash, why not do that? Problem solved.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sun 01-Aug-21 12:15:42

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

Tell her to do it herself. Or get DH to do it. Or just pass the kids the cash.

Returnoftheowl Sun 01-Aug-21 12:17:05

Children shouldn't be pay-per-view...

safclass Sun 01-Aug-21 12:18:01

My MiL is always generous treats, gives fs cash etc birthday / christmas. My mum gives for xmas / birthdays but as kids we never got 'extras' due to only dads wage - never struggled but gifts / surprises were only on birthdays etc. She now does the same with her grandkids - does seem mean at times but its the way she is. I dont expect or want from her- would be no point-she does love her gc but doesnt shie it through gifts.

Muggymama Sun 01-Aug-21 12:18:58

Clydesider

YABU for saying she's from a generation when things were 'easier' alone.

Generally interested why?
Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

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