to tell my secrets before i leave mumsnet

(36 Posts)
abouttoleave2021 Fri 30-Jul-21 23:25:45

Im going to deactivate my account soon so thought perfect time to tell someone about my life
Im 29 married with 4 kids. I hate my life.
my whole life is about my children due to having no family support and a piece of shit husband. i never get a break not even for a few hrs. My husband stays indoors all the time. He does wfh but hasn't set foot out the door in 2 wks. This has been a longterm issue that ive given up on. I wish i could leave him but i don't want to be more alone. I have no family or friends and im overweight and no man looks at me so id stay single all my life. I love my kids but Im trapped.

OP’s posts: |
PickAChew Fri 30-Jul-21 23:29:14

Don't leave MN too quickly. I think you nee9d people to talk to brew

You wouldn't be more alone without your husband, mind. He doesn't value you enough to be worth clinging on to.

HollowTalk Fri 30-Jul-21 23:30:18

You're really young - you have decades ahead of you. How old are your children? Are you working? What's your financial situation like - do you own a place or rent?

Have you looked at the Entitled to calculator and the child maintenance calculator? You might find that you're entitled to claim enough to live separately.

Your life won't change unless you make it change - that's a fact. You're a strong woman. Make it happen.

CCC1 Fri 30-Jul-21 23:31:53

That sounds miserable and you sound lonely. Before you deactivate your account here, do you have support online? Online support and friendship is still support and friendship.

EishetChayil Fri 30-Jul-21 23:33:10

Don't go, OP. You'll find plenty of support and practical advice here.

Michaelknightsleatherjacket Fri 30-Jul-21 23:34:09

Op . Your kids will grow up.
You are so so young, you have time for a full new career and life. You will not be trapped by responsibilities for ever.
You can leave him, I guarantee that being single is far far better than being with a lazy piece of shit husband.
What are you talking about, you’re overweight so no man will look at you? This is bullshit. Who told you this?
So basically you’re raising four kids practically alone with no support? That’s a bloody hard job. And you’re doing it. So who knows what else you can achieve by yourself ?

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself Fri 30-Jul-21 23:35:42

I know loads of overweight women between 35 and 55 with children who have found, a couple are getting married. You are a mere stripling.
Honestly most people don’t look like Slebs but still get a shag and more.
It’s really hard with children and 4 is a good few but so many of us feel so much lighter and less resentful when we ditch the dead weight.
I only had two children but the youngest was and remains severely physically and intellectually disabled. I was 31 and we moved in with my mum for 15 months before I could afford to live independently with my children. It would have been worth it if I’d never had another relationship but as it happens within two years I did.
It sucks you dry to be yoked to a useless man.
flowers

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TiredSloth Fri 30-Jul-21 23:41:17

Op I am plain and overweight and don’t ever get a second look from men so I felt the same as you and didn’t want to end up alone forever. But it turns out that being alone (just me & the dc) is so freeing and a million times better than being in a bad relationship.

We have one life. Please don’t spend it feeling trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. Know your worth.

Angelofchaos Fri 30-Jul-21 23:43:54

Op I was mid 30s a tad over weight and honestly, leaving with the kids was the best thing I ever did. Hard but the best.

Why are you leaving? Surely you actually want to talk to people and be heard.

Thats why you posted this is one of mns busiest boards? No judgement, that's fine. Keep talking and people will listen. flowers

Saidtoomuch Fri 30-Jul-21 23:45:51

You have your own reasons for leaving. If its to focus on yourself (it sound as though you are the last person on your priority list) rather the other people's dramas, then I can understand it. I think its nice to have mn as a bit of an anonymous sounding board though.
Are you able to get a part time job once the children are back at school, just to get a bit of me time and independence?
Can the useless lump be trusted to watch the kids whilst you take up fast walking or light jogging? Just thinking of fresh air to blow the cobwebs improve mental health and get fitter?

Cryalot2 Fri 30-Jul-21 23:54:42

flowers you have a lot on and need help and support?
Please do not deactivate we are here for you.
I am worried about you , phone the samaratins if you feel low.
Get in touch with your dr .
If you feel you want to leave your husband contact woman's aid who are wonderful and will help you and your kids
Sending love and good wishes

blobblob Fri 30-Jul-21 23:57:38

Don't leave MN. It does have a lot of practical advice and knowledable posters who will help you to leave - which you have to do.

And 29! you have a great life ahead of you. It could be an adventure - even though you just feel defeated now. You'll be ok.

JaneyGotAGun Sat 31-Jul-21 00:20:21

Nothing will change if nothing changes.

Sending you good luck op flowers

toocold54 Sat 31-Jul-21 00:52:59

Nothing will change if nothing changes.

Love this!!

I wish i could leave him but i don't want to be more alone.

This is your main issue.
Why are you afraid to be alone?
Surely you’re already alone anyway but at least you have more control over your life if you didn’t live with him.

If he’s not been outside for 2 weeks that’s really unhealthy and I would say he’s suffering from some type of depression or even agoraphobia.

I have you spoken to him about how you feel?
I think this is the first step as you both sound unhappy and could try and come to some kind of arrangement where you both make more of an effort. If this doesn’t work then you need to make plans to leave/ask him to leave even if it’s just a break at first.

If you are overweight you probably feel rubbish about yourself which if you’re anything like me leads you to overeat to self harm increasing your weight and making you feel more crap about yourself.
Put an end to that cycle.
You don’t lose weight over night but you could do small things like dying your hair or painting your nails to make yourself feel better.
When you start liking yourself more it is easier to start loosing weight.

It sounds very overwhelming but I promise small steps will lead to big changes.
Decide what you want and come on here and get some advice.
We will be with you every step of the way.

MojoMoon Sat 31-Jul-21 01:04:44

You already are alone, it seems.

Leaving may be liberating. And opens the door to new adventures and experience, be those making friends, learning new things, living in a new area, getting a new job and possibly meeting a much nicer partner

Ohdofuckofdear Sat 31-Jul-21 01:22:38

OP please don't think that your life has to stay like this because it really doesn't have to be.flowers

I was a single mum to 4DC when I met my now DH,I had been treated appallingly before I met my DH and we've been together for 15 years now and apart from my 5DC he is the best thing that's ever happened to me,we've gone onto have our DD13 together and my DH is Dad to all 5 of our DC and Gandad to our amazing little Grandson.

It is not to late I met my DH just before I turned 31 and I am so glad that I took the chance he's helped me show our 5DC what a normal and loving relationship should look like,If I'd stayed with my ex husband that relationship I'm sure would have scarred my DC emotionally.

If you geel guilty don't! You would be leaving an unhappy marriage for your DC'S sakes as much as for your own.

PastMyBestBeforeDate Sat 31-Jul-21 01:27:44

Actually it sounds like the ideal time to arrive on the Relationships part of MN. What have you got to lose? Apart from a piece of shit

MadCattery Sat 31-Jul-21 01:34:23

You can be beautiful and desirable even if you are overweight. You can be happy, fun, magnetic, a great friend, an awesome mother-even overweight. Weight does not define us. But, you have to believe in yourself and when you are in an unhappy relationship, it feels like you’ve fallen into an abyss and it’s too hard to climb out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Make changes in your life, work on either your marriage or your escape, and please, believe in yourself. Stay with mumsnet. The support here can help you change your life.

Anordinarymum Sat 31-Jul-21 01:36:44

Why deactivate your account?
You have an awful lot on your plate and no support but you can vent on here and listen to women who have been where you are now and what they did.
You still have options. You still have choices, and you still matter even if you feel so worn down that you think you do not.

I have been in a bad place and thought I could not do anything about it but I did and now I am glad I did or I would be stuck now in a horrible marriage with a horrible man living half a life.

Don't leave just yet

Anordinarymum Sat 31-Jul-21 01:48:56

Oh and one other thing... I wish I had Mumsnet when I was in my bad place. I would have done things differently. He walked all over me and I let him because I wanted him gone. He threatened me and I believed him.
If I had had good advice I would not have just given in. I would have done more and not let him take everything and leave me with nothing.
I had children to think about and felt like you do and he knew this and took advantage. I had no-one to talk to and no one to help or give advice.
I should have gone to see a solicitor, I realise that now. You don't have to settle for a shit life. And you are 29? You are still young, and you owe it to yourself and your children to do something about it.

notangelinajolie Sat 31-Jul-21 01:53:15

Why have you had children with someone you perceive as a piece of shit?

Mamanyt Sat 31-Jul-21 01:54:08

This may be one of the most important things I have ever said on Mumsnet...It is easier to be lonely when you are alone. The harshest pain is being lonely with someone who should be there for you.

Think twice before leaving. There is some support to be had here.

Bythemillpond Sat 31-Jul-21 02:00:37

Friend divorced her abusive husband.
Apart from losing the 14 stone piece of shit ex. Since her divorce in November of last year she has lost a further 6 stone and started dating again.

Not having to listen to him relentlessly putting her down and being on guard about what would set him off she felt calm instead of stressed.
Cortisol has a lot to answer to in weight gain.

QueenBee52 Sat 31-Jul-21 03:16:15

@abouttoleave2021

Please don't leave... stay.. talk..

let us support you flowers

CheeseBeansToast Sat 31-Jul-21 03:55:06

Sorry this probably is the shittest advice.
But Gal you have got this, follow your heart and be happy.
You're a young woman not that that matters. But you will succeed.
It will feel hard perhaps at first but in a few months time the pain heals

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