ExH suddenly not using DDs name

(200 Posts)
ButItsHerName Fri 30-Jul-21 16:49:42

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

OP’s posts: |
Finfintytint Fri 30-Jul-21 16:53:06

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.

MargeSimpson00 Fri 30-Jul-21 16:54:12

He's a wanker. I'd respond to any messages asking after Sofie with 'I have no idea who that is'. Shut it down immediately, what a weirdo.

Sleepdeprived42long Fri 30-Jul-21 16:54:16

This is ExH trying to control you and daughter (again by the sounds of it). Don’t let him. Go back to him and say this is her name, this is what you will call her, this is what she wants to be called (at her age, she has the right to have her opinion on this heard and known). Any further issues, I’d be getting some legal advice. Sounds like an idiot.

peachgreen Fri 30-Jul-21 16:54:24

...is he insane?

Drivingmeupthewall Fri 30-Jul-21 16:55:52

Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.

This. There isn’t a person in the land who would agree that him randomly changing her name at seven is reasonable behaviour. He’s either controlling or he’s gone completely bonkers.

clickychicky Fri 30-Jul-21 16:58:05

He doesn't sound well

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FrankButchersDickieBow Fri 30-Jul-21 16:58:26

So he's gaslighlighting your 7 year old daughter.

Tell him he is a bully and you will be going back to the courts as you don't want your daughter controlled and abused like you were.

You need to take control of the situation because this is only the beginning.

Sounds like he hates females.

ButItsHerName Fri 30-Jul-21 16:58:28

Thank you everyone, don't really want to go back to court over it unless I have to, I was more after ideas of how to get him to stop.

I will definitely respond with "I don't know who that is" next time he asks about Sophie.

OP’s posts: |
LaurieFairyCake Fri 30-Jul-21 16:59:39

Any chance of telling his parents ?

RandomMess Fri 30-Jul-21 17:00:39

Don't even respond to the texts when he uses Sophie.

He is doing it to yank your chain and doesn't care about upsetting DD to get at you.

If it comes up at court in the future you can legitimately say you thought he sent you the text in error!

Noshowlomo Fri 30-Jul-21 17:00:41

Say you will not be entering into any discussion about your child until he addresses her using her correct name. And then don't.. whats he going to do. Any courts will ask "who is Sophie" and if he says its a new name I give my daughter as I don't like her actual name then he's going to come across as a kn0b..
keep everything he sends you regarding it as well, its a control tactic.

ButItsHerName Fri 30-Jul-21 17:00:51

LaurieFairyCake

Any chance of telling his parents ?

I could try, whether they'll respond or not I don't know

OP’s posts: |
BlueSurfer Fri 30-Jul-21 17:02:35

I would reply once saying “I don’t know who Sophie is and assume you are messaging the wrong person. Just to clarify, I will no longer respond to any message regarding Sophie.” and leave it at that.

rantymcrantface66 Fri 30-Jul-21 17:03:51

How strange I'd just not engage about it. Dd can continue to ignore unless he uses the correct name. Ignore any messages that mention Sophie. Your court order is for you to arrange contact with Charlotte. You could let him know you will only respond to the correct name going forward so he's absolutely clear

Leeds2 Fri 30-Jul-21 17:03:57

Not what you asked, but if he continues to call your daughter Sophie against her will, I imagine it won't be long before she refuses to go to see him.

KateTheEighth Fri 30-Jul-21 17:03:59

Controlling wanker

Total headfuck

He tried to control you and now he's trying to control her

Dixiechickonhols Fri 30-Jul-21 17:04:03

Controlling and emotionally abusive. Keep his texts. I’d just not respond to How’s Sophie.
Even if you picked name it’s still her name age 7 and he should use it. If it was a pet nick name between them DD would be on board and he’d still message you how’s Charlotte.
Your poor child must be so confused.

Chickenyhead Fri 30-Jul-21 17:04:36

I wouldn't respond to any texts about Sophie. She doesn't exist and he is just trying to get a reaction. Blank it.

He doesn't respect a 7yo child. Vile.

ButItsHerName Fri 30-Jul-21 17:05:19

Dixiechickonhols

Controlling and emotionally abusive. Keep his texts. I’d just not respond to How’s Sophie.
Even if you picked name it’s still her name age 7 and he should use it. If it was a pet nick name between them DD would be on board and he’d still message you how’s Charlotte.
Your poor child must be so confused.

DD absolutely loves her name, she's always hated nicknames or shortenings, she's Charlotte and that's her.

OP’s posts: |
Cadent Fri 30-Jul-21 17:07:38

What a twat. I agree with responding 'I don't know who that is' the next time.

Do you have to text him about contact? Maybe just email (with new email created for twatbag)? It means less instant access to you.

FunMcCool Fri 30-Jul-21 17:08:26

He’s being bizarre. I’d be concerned he’s having a breakdown.

ButItsHerName Fri 30-Jul-21 17:10:19

Cadent

What a twat. I agree with responding 'I don't know who that is' the next time.

Do you have to text him about contact? Maybe just email (with new email created for twatbag)? It means less instant access to you.

We do it via facebook messenger but I don't have it on my phone so its only when I go on the laptop I see his messages. I don't go on the laptop every day.

OP’s posts: |
Mamamamasaurus Fri 30-Jul-21 17:10:23

Mind games. He's sick in the head. I would also be considering very seriously how much of this you want your DD to see - it isn't normal. I'd be very seriously thinking about cutting contact right down, let him take you to court and show the messages from him as proof that he's attempting to control you both.

MotionActivatedDog Fri 30-Jul-21 17:11:37

This is very strange.

I always hate the MN diagnosis of people but is there any chance he isn’t actually ok?

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