What do you make of this comment from OH

(135 Posts)
GoAheadTrollMe Thu 29-Jul-21 19:57:42

Never ever have I ever posted on AIBU before but, fuck me I'm a bit upset and a bit fucked off so tell me this...

OH had some virtual interviews this afternoon, I said how did they go blah blah normal chit chat

He said he really rated 2/6 people one was a guy and one was a woman. He said he was more towards the woman as she was the only one who put her camera on for the interview but they both said similar things (all the right things for the company!)

I said I was shocked only 1 person put the camera on out of 6 as id assumed a dinstanced interview still would be better to see faces but it was really good as it would help discrimination etc

Ok that's the rather boring back story

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this, no it wasn't a jealousy dig, he works with lots of attractive men & women)

He said 'nah she was a plus' and then looked absolutely fucking horrified, literally like he couldn't believe he said that to me (wrong crowd for sure!) I'm said.. you what? What did you just say?

He actually went fucking red meanwhile I'm going red with rage (I'm a 'plus' too! Size 18 & happy!)

He tries the whole no no you said it was a plus she showed her face (insert lame excuses here)

I said hes disgusting and does he look at me like I can't possibly be pretty as a 'plus'

He THEN SAYS

'No because I dont see you in that way'

Mans lucky I didn't chuck my drink over him.

See me in what way?

'You're just perfect to me I dont look at you and see your body I look at you and see you for you, I love you'

Weeding his way out, I'm actually shocked and raging internally.

Opinions?

Is my fella of 15 years an absolute jerk or am I just over reacting at a small comment right now?

Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends? Knowing I'm his partner and have met most of these people? Is that really acceptable?

I feel embarassed for him & kind of for myself if this is how he speaks about fatter folk. I may not be ideal in weight but he has never ever shown anything like this to me before. I've been a size 10 to a size 20 and hes never treated me any differently but now I'm just not quite sure what these actual feelings are.

Go ahead give me your opinions.

OP’s posts: |
GoAheadTrollMe Thu 29-Jul-21 19:58:26

Ignore typos I'm angry and not good with grammar anyway, also this didnt need a vote option but yabu - me
Yanbu - man is a douche

OP’s posts: |
Karwomannghia Thu 29-Jul-21 20:04:37

In his defence it sounds like he loves who you are but quickly judged a stranger on her looks when you asked and because he felt put on the spot to say she wasn’t hot he picked out the quickest negative. He got embarrassed when he realised what he’d said applies to you after, doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you!

Persephonesgrove Thu 29-Jul-21 20:08:06

Yanbu. This is obviously how he talks to other people, maybe work colleagues. And it slipped out. He knows he shouldn't have said it. Hence the look on his face.

He essentially said, this woman couldn't possibly be attractive because she was plus size.

People have preferences. But he basically said, women of plus size (so women like you) can not be attractive.

I do also get, his 'I see you for you'. Because sometimes partners change in ways that we wouldn't be, normally be attracted to. But we are still attracted to our partner.

I am not a huge fan of men with grey hair. But dps hair is going grey and I like it on him. As an example.

But I would never tell dp 'nah a man can't be attractive with grey hair'. Its a shitty thing to do. It would really bother me that I didn't know my partner spoke about people like that, or if he met me at my current weight he would write me off as unattractive.

plodalong12 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:08:50

Hmmm. I’m not sure. I thought at first you meant that he meant she’s a plus as in yes, she’s a + but not “smoking hot” but the more you wrote I realised I initially misunderstood. Anyway. I don’t think YABU but I don’t think he is really either. Now excuse me whilst I pick the splinters from the fence I’m perched on out of my arse.

GoAheadTrollMe Thu 29-Jul-21 20:09:10

@Karwomannghia thank you for that. I've never once felt before now that he anything but adores me despite my flaws. But I've never actually heard him say anything negative towards a woman tbh

I think thats what's shocked me the most, we are both edging 30 and I dont know i think its thrown me a bit.

He's never nothing but polite to all types of women unless its a voice/accent issue hes always pretty kind.

I'm just annoyed at the wording tbh maybe I'm finding offensive where there isn't any.

OP’s posts: |
RunningFromInsanity Thu 29-Jul-21 20:09:24

Why even fucking ask.
There are so many threads like this, and lets be honest no matter how chill you think you are, no answer is going to make you happy.

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girlmom21 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:11:00

He has been with you for a really long time. His attraction to you isn't purely physical - it's much deeper than that which means size alone doesn't make any difference as to whether or not he fancies you.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard Thu 29-Jul-21 20:11:19

I thought by the way you wrote it, that 'she's a plus' meant that she wasn't exactly 'smokin', but was better than average. Just my impression.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:11:22

You're the one who first brought up her physicality, so... confused

This "gentle ribbing" nonsense quite frequently goes tits up, I find.

girlmom21 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:12:43

Ps if he'd have said "actually yeah she's really attractive" you'd have been pissed off too...

OneTC Thu 29-Jul-21 20:13:26

His comments on loving you for who you are probably sound bad in light of the conversation you'd had a second previously but I had a similar conversation with my oh the other day and it's true. She's got bigger, I don't look at her any differently and don't see her any differently really. I would probably prefer if she was slimmer but it's not even really something i think about. I love her for very many reasons more than looks or weight

If someone asked me if I thought someone was hot or not though then I think that's a pretty unkind way to answer, but it's also a weird and pretty disrespectful question in the circumstances

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:15:20

Gentle ribbing my arse. You wanted to know if he liked her because she was attractive. Just own it.

However I see why you’re upset. He basically said he doesn’t find overweight women attractive, he’s trying to say he loves you for who you are, but I’d say yes it’s out there and it maybe not his preferred body size.

BornIn78 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:15:33

I said, was she smoking hot (gently ribbing - yes we do this
Does he really speak about women this way at work or to his friends?

Yes he does. If you encourage and join in with him discussing his female colleagues 'hotness' at home, why would you think he wouldn't do this with colleagues at work?

WheyHey Thu 29-Jul-21 20:15:37

I'm on the fence too. He was clumsy in what he said but aren't we all sometimes?
I'd have said something too, just to make my point but I wouldn't carry on about it

plodalong12 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:15:54

RunningFromInsanity

Why even fucking ask.
There are so many threads like this, and lets be honest no matter how chill you think you are, no answer is going to make you happy.

That’s a good point actually. If he’d said “yes, smoking hot” there would most likely be an AIBU thread about that. If he’d said “Ugh, absolutely not” there would most likely be an AIBU thread along the similar lines of this one - “is this how he and his work colleagues talk about women”?

What would have been your preferred answer from him to your question OP?

clickychicky Thu 29-Jul-21 20:15:59

To be honest you put him in an awkward position asking him if she was smoking hot. Would you have asked if the guy was hot too? And then he's responded badly as well. But just keep people's appearance out of job interview conversations next time.

GoAheadTrollMe Thu 29-Jul-21 20:16:22

@plodalong12 hose damn fences causing splinters! Kick it down. Yeah no normally he wouldn't tell me someone was smoking hot but he would say like ' She looks like (insert name of someone). Same with men as well, this just the first time it's ever been like this

@Persephonesgrove yeah that's my feeling he has been speaking about larger women like this before and it's natural and it really was a true mistake to say to me but, why? His work friends have met me - doesn't that seem a bit fucking dumb?

OP’s posts: |
OneTC Thu 29-Jul-21 20:16:46

If you encourage and join in with him discussing his female colleagues 'hotness' at home, why would you think he wouldn't do this with colleagues at work?

👍

Blossomtoes Thu 29-Jul-21 20:16:49

You’ve been a whole array of sizes and he doesn’t care. He loves you, the essential you that appearance can’t alter. That means he’ll love you when you age, whatever happens to your body because you’re special. That’s an amazing thing to have.

clickychicky Thu 29-Jul-21 20:17:51

He's never nothing but polite to all types of women unless its a voice/accent issue hes always pretty kind. so if he doesn't like their voice he feels he doesn't have to be kind?

GoAheadTrollMe Thu 29-Jul-21 20:18:02

RunningFromInsanity

Why even fucking ask.
There are so many threads like this, and lets be honest no matter how chill you think you are, no answer is going to make you happy.

We go to alot of work things together i like to know whos who. Idc if he fancies other people but i do take a massive dislike to the fact he thinks fat people are automatically unattractive

And no I'm not chill I'm just myself, 15 years of each other - we are who we are. But that's ok I asked for opinions so i accept that

OP’s posts: |
SunshineCake Thu 29-Jul-21 20:18:22

I think you've misunderstood what he meant then as you've gone OTT he's responded to your over reacting.

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Jul-21 20:18:52

I also find it really sexist that you reduce women to this op. You basically asked him if the only reason he preferred her was because she was attractive, it’s sexist bullshit I’d expect from the worst type of man.

pinkcircustop Thu 29-Jul-21 20:19:08

YABVU. He loves you for you. He’s allowed to have preferences and if he prefers slimmer women and that’s what turns him on that’s okay.

If you gain weight in a relationship you can’t expect your partner to always find you physically attractive, especially if you’re not doing anything to address it.

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