How to say no kindly?

(164 Posts)
Vanillaaddict Thu 29-Jul-21 10:21:00

I was in a houseshare a few years ago with a girl who was lovely but hard work. She was untidy, not very clean, a bit awkward to live with as very fixed in her ideas. She is the kindest person you will ever meet, but expected a similar level of time and generosity back from others and got very hurt and angry when others ‘fell short’ in her eyes by failing to do things for her when asked.
I know people get flamed on here when they ‘diagnose’ others as autistic, but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was, as she finds it incredibly difficult to see things from others’ point of view. Even though she is a very kind person. I’m just saying this to make it clear that she’s not just being awkward or selfish.
I am easygoing, and I understand her ways, but living with her for two years was definitely enough for me.

After we moved out of the shared house I got myself a 1 bed flat and she has been moving from one place to another, she keeps falling out with the other people she lives with, all of whom have taken issue with her untidiness and idiosyncratic routines, but instead of taking feedback on board she has been terribly offended, fallen out with them and ended up leaving. She’s currently in temporary accommodation and will need to move again in a couple of months.

She often says how “lovely” it would be if we could live together again. I like her as a friend, but there is no way I want to live with her again. I will soon be moving to a 2 bed flat and I just know that she will suggest that she come to live in the second room.

I know that “no is a complete sentence” but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I let her down gently?

OP’s posts: |
korawick12345 Thu 29-Jul-21 10:22:26

Just say, no, you are going to be living alone

Datingandnoideahowto Thu 29-Jul-21 10:23:12

I’m sorry but I don’t want to house share with anyone. It’s nothing personal.

BackInBlackAgain Thu 29-Jul-21 10:24:04

"I dont want to houseshare again, i like living on my own" and keep repeating it, if she offers ways round just keep saying the above.

You will have to dip into rude territory here as thick skinned people dont take no as an answer and will keep asking and offering solutions, you have to stay firm.

Marriedtothesilverfox Thu 29-Jul-21 10:24:36

Are you planning to get a housemate, if not its simple, just say you want to live alone.

InTheNightWeWillWish Thu 29-Jul-21 10:25:25

“I’m just not in the phase of life where I want to house share anymore, I’ve done it and glad for the experience but also looking to just living by myself (or with partner). It’s nothing to do with you. I don’t want to houseware with anyone”.

Schrutesbeets Thu 29-Jul-21 10:25:30

'ah, I'm actually really enjoying having my own space at the moment, making time for my hobbies / interests and eating take aways in the buff lol'.

She should get the message.

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30degreesandmeltinghere Thu 29-Jul-21 10:27:19

Office set up /dcat room
Sorry no space...

BettysGotMoxie Thu 29-Jul-21 10:29:18

Spare bedroom isn’t ‘spare’ it’s for you to WFH?

EmeraldShamrock Thu 29-Jul-21 10:29:46

You've been very kind already.
People will be along with better advice.
The first paragraph reminded me of DD disorganised untidy fixated she has ASD.
There are many ways to say no.
Your consideration and kindness shows throughout your post. flowers

Howshouldibehave Thu 29-Jul-21 10:29:53

It’s harder if you are going to be moving to a two person home. Why is that?

Do you still see her loads? Will you need to advertise for someone to share with?

The answers to those questions would obviously impact on what reason I was to give to her.

Yescheese Thu 29-Jul-21 10:31:05

Just say that you've done your time sharing and now want to continue living alone. It's absolutely not personal, she shouldn't take offence, but it's where you are in your life now. Repeat as necessary. You could say you've got the spare room earmarked as a study/ for visitors. Don't let her come and live with you temporarily, frankly sounds like she'll never leave.

TillyTopper Thu 29-Jul-21 10:33:11

I'd say: "Agree! houseshares can be a pain can't they. That's why I've decided I don't want to houseshare again, I'm really enjoying living on my own . Hope you find a place to be happy in soon".

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba Thu 29-Jul-21 10:36:18

ummm, I don't think you can ever say no "gently".
not sure what you've said so far but it's clearly not working as she keeps hinting, thinking she has a chance.

you have to be firm to drive the point home.
the next time she hints just say "it was lovely when we lived together, but it's just not gonna happen again. I have different plans"

and that's it. you don't have to explain or give excuses or make up lies.
if she brings it up again just repeat the same thing until she stops hinting

Savannahnanana Thu 29-Jul-21 10:37:04

You just say"no" very firmly and change the conversation.

Hoppinggreen Thu 29-Jul-21 10:38:19

Ignore any hints but if she directly asks just say you are going to be living alone

TheAwfuITruth Thu 29-Jul-21 10:39:01

Just say along the lines of

''Better not, I've got very used to my own company and I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship haha'

Presuming you won't be moving anyone else in, in that case ^^ that probably would fall flat grin

Vanillaaddict Thu 29-Jul-21 10:42:24

Thanks. I think you’re probably right that there might not be a non-blunt way.
I haven’t moved yet, but will in September, and I want the bigger flat because I would like to be able to pit visitors up. So, that in itself is the reason I guess.

I think she will be hurt, because she will see her need as greater than mine, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that sad

OP’s posts: |
WomanStanleyWoman Thu 29-Jul-21 10:45:10

It’s harder if you are going to be moving to a two person home. Why is that?

Why does the OP need to justify having a second bedroom? She isn’t moving to a ‘two person home’ - she’s moving to a two-bedroom flat.

Farwest Thu 29-Jul-21 10:46:47

Just say no.

For her, she needs to find a place where she can live alone and stop hopping from one flatshare to another, leaving a trail of wrecked friendships behind her.

ElizabethTudor Thu 29-Jul-21 10:48:13

If the fact you’re moving to a two bed even comes up in conversation (will it?) then just say the second bedroom is an office / room for when you have visitors (as per your post).
Therefore, it’s not a spare room. Plus you really enjoy living on your own and enjoy your own space.

PanamaPattie Thu 29-Jul-21 10:48:51

It’s only a bedroom if there is a bed in it. In your case, you could call it a dining/dressing room or office space with a futon for the occasional visitor. Explain that you don’t have the space. It’s a one bedroom flat - because it is. Her happiness is not your concern.

GiveMeAUserName123 Thu 29-Jul-21 10:50:20

Nah, having your own place and walking around naked is too much of a joy to give up! 😂

BunnytheFriendlyDragon Thu 29-Jul-21 10:50:53

I think she will be hurt, because she will see her need as greater than mine, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that

She can't weigh up her "need" against yours. It's your place!

Are you really going to let this person move in just so you don't have to say no? Of course you aren't.

Woodmarsh Thu 29-Jul-21 10:51:56

Does she have to know you have 2 rooms?

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