Sister doesn't want to spend time with us

(208 Posts)
Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:01:12

My dsis lives about three hours away, we haven't seen her or her husband for at least 28 months due to Covid. She's not brilliant at keeping in touch but I do try to send emails and phone her to stay in contact.

Shed mentioned us going to visit a long time ago. Dh is working a lot of weekends do I said I would bring the kids down on my own and we could go out all together. Dsis emailed yesterday to say that she was looking forward to our visit and hoped we would enjoy whatever we'd planned for the Saturday. She and her husband had chosen to play golf that day but we would maybe have dinner together.

AIBU to think this is a bit off? I am driving down to see them (I'm not a brilliant driver so worry about it!) and we would probably get down there Fri evening then be leaving Sunday midday. She hasn't seen her nieces for 18 months!

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Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:01:44

Sorry meant 18 months not 28 months!!

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AlexaShutUp Wed 28-Jul-21 07:04:52

Did you talk to her before you booked, and if so, what was the agreement then about what you were going to do?

OutOfTrousers Wed 28-Jul-21 07:05:17

I think you are labouring under the delusion that your kids must be interesting to everyone else. It sounds like she doesn’t (can’t?) have kids and you’re constantly updating her on yours and expecting her to marvel at them too.
Did she agree to go out with you and the kids or did you tell her you would be coming and that you would be going out together?

Ilikewinter Wed 28-Jul-21 07:05:36

Yeah shes not really interested in keeping in touch, Id cancel if I was you, I wouldnt be driving for 3 hours just to spend the day on my own!

Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:06:52

I was under the impression that because she'd suggested activities in the past that we would do them together.

I am not constantly updating her on my kids either, I email maybe once or twice a month.

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BikeRunSki Wed 28-Jul-21 07:08:12

That is a lot off. You don’t invite someone for the weekend, then go out for the day!

I’d reintroduced something along the lines of asking her to rearrange for when she is not busy!

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fourminutestosavetheworld Wed 28-Jul-21 07:08:21

I'd be insulted too op. If family you haven't seen for two years arrange to visit - at your own suggestion - for two nights/three days, then it would be usual to keep that weekend free imo.

If something important came up, or I was invited to something I really wanted to do, I'd be asking whether visitors minded me going awol for an afternoon not just telling them I'm busy.

soisolated Wed 28-Jul-21 07:08:27

Harsh comments! I think it's obvious you are going to see her to spend time with her and she is rude to duck out. I'm sure your kids are amazing and it's her loss

Whinge Wed 28-Jul-21 07:08:58

I'd cancel. There's no point driving 3 hours to spend the day on your own. The fact they think it's fine to go off and play golf rather than spend time with you, shows how little they care about you and your children.

Limitedhelp Wed 28-Jul-21 07:09:18

OutOfTrousers I think that's a bit unnecessary

Op, that sounds like a shame. I certainly wouldn't drive 3 hours to see my sister if she went out for the entire day that I was visiting for.
The Friday night you will be tired and be getting children into pjs/bed and the Sunday morning you will be packing up.

fourminutestosavetheworld Wed 28-Jul-21 07:09:36

I'd rearrange for a weekend she's not busy and ask her to suggest when.

If she doesn't come back to you, you have your answer.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Wed 28-Jul-21 07:11:11

Does she have children?

It sounds like she doesnt really want to spend time with yours for whatever reason. Some people really aren't interested in children, or dont mind a visit for an hour or two but find a day out with them (for example) mind numbing.

MindyStClaire Wed 28-Jul-21 07:11:51

It's a little rude, but kids (especially little ones) can be very full on when you don't have your own. I remember we'd visit BIL's and come away slightly shell shocked. grin I'm guessing she's realised she'll need a few hours off and scheduled that in. Not the most polite thing but it might give everyone a bit of time away from each other if things are getting tense.

Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:12:12

Shed suggested lots of places to visit a month ago, I really felt hurt that she didn't want to spend time together. I didn't envision going down there to be alone with my dcs all day.

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AlexaShutUp Wed 28-Jul-21 07:13:07

OK, so you made an assumption that she would want to do stuff with you and the kids, whereas she was actually just suggesting ideas?

I get that it's hurtful if she isn't really interested, but that's her prerogative I'm afraid. I think better communication would help you here.

Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:13:59

She doesn't have kids but brother in law has nieces and they have been on several weekends away with them in the past. Dsis has paid for activities and they have done these all together.

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Wed 28-Jul-21 07:14:09

Outoftrousers
Did she agree to go out with you and the kids or did you tell her you would be coming and that you would be going out together?

What would be the point of visiting if you aren't going to spend time together?

To me it sounds like she isnt really that keen on the visit at all, if you have guests you dont bugger off to play golf all day.

Ps ime people like this, you ask when they have a free weekend, and they never do because they play golf every single weekend and cannot entertain the notion of skipping it to have guests.

AlexaShutUp Wed 28-Jul-21 07:14:30

Were the dates pre-agreed, OP?

Mincepiesallyearround Wed 28-Jul-21 07:14:58

That’s not on OP, and it’s really rude too. Does she think you’re driving all the way there to admire her local scenery?! And what’s with the maybe have dinner. Can you say you and the girls really want to spend time with her on the Saturday and is there another weekend you can book?

RampantIvy Wed 28-Jul-21 07:15:15

I think it is very rude. I live 4 hours away from my sister, and she isn't great at keeping in touch. However, when we booked a holiday corrage near where she lives she booked a whole week off work, and we saw her nearly every day (much to DH's chagrin grin). We hadn't seen each other for 19 months due to covid.

Jennybeans401 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:17:07

Yes the dates were agreed, maybe she just prefers her husbands nieces. My dcs miss their auntie though.

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Mumdiva99 Wed 28-Jul-21 07:17:58

Don't go. She's being rude. It's obvious you are going to see her. Just tell her you didn't realise she was busy and will come another time. Families are weird. Normally it's in law families we don't understand. I'm your case it's your sister...... You've tried your best.

RampantIvy Wed 28-Jul-21 07:20:02

Just tell her you didn't realise she was busy and will come another time.

I'd be inclined to do this as well.

OutOfTrousers Wed 28-Jul-21 07:21:12

Did she agree to go out with you and the kids or did you tell her you would be coming and that you would be going out together?

What would be the point of visiting if you aren't going to spend time together?

I asked because this is the kind of thing my sister does to me. “I’m coming on this weekend and we’re going to do this activity.” Irrespective of whether or not I already have plans. Everything is supposed to be cancelled to accommodate her wishes. I caused a huge family fall-out because I refused the honour and it wasn’t accepted. In the end I had to say she was welcome to come but I wouldn’t be there…. (We had a pre-arranged weekend away with the other side of the family).

If she wants kids but they can’t for whatever reason, it may be easier for her to deal with BIL’s children than from ones on her side of the family.

If you generally get on with her, why don’t you speak to her and ask if she’d rather rearrange or if she’d rather you try to meet once without the Dc?

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