Would you consider "rescuing" your partner?

(250 Posts)
SpidersAreShitheads Tue 27-Jul-21 20:50:14

Before I start, I've NC because I'm absolutely 100% aware I'm a total wuss about this. This user name says it all.

I'm utterly terrified of spiders. I can't even look at a photo of one. I tried to get close enough to put a cup over one once to chuck it outside. It was a disaster: a leg escaped, waved around outside the cup, I shrieked hysterically and threw the whole lot up in the air in a panic.

This afternoon, an eight-legged beast was spotted high on the living room wall. I was at home alone with the DC. They are both autistic - this is relevant as they get very panicky and hysterical when distressed. None of us three like spiders. I try and stay as calm as I can in front of the DC, but they know I don't like them (I don't like the spiders, not my DC - they're lovely).

On spotting the spider, and noticing that the little bastard was moving around in a very threatening manner, DS ran upstairs screaming and crying (literally). He gets really upset by bugs etc. We're working on it. DD wasn't happy either; she's a lot more inward but was also distressed.

I tried to be calm but essentially spent the afternoon perched on the furthest part of the sofa, eying the monster up so it didn't disappear and spring out on me later. Or maybe creep upstairs and hide under my pillow. I know their dastardly eight-legged tricks.

I couldn't focus on work (self employed). Yes, I am that much a scaredy cat.

My DP works at his dad's house (because it's bigger). He messaged me, and I mentioned that it was stressful here as there was a big spider and it had upset the DC. I told him I couldn't reach it and it was too big for me to deal with anyway. (To be fair, anything above a money spider falls into that category).

Just for context, I deal with any wasps or bees that get into the house. I don't mind worms, beetles etc. It's just spiders. Oh and their evil cousins, Daddy Long-Legs. Flying spiders.

So, here's the bit that has caused the fuss. I did wonder if DP might pop home in his lunch break to dispatch the monster and rescue us all. All joking aside, he will be well aware of how upset DC were. Little things cause quite big issues. Life isn't always that easy, truth be told. His parents live probably about three miles away - it would probably take him 15 mins to drive here and back. He gets an hour for lunch - earlier in the week he popped to the supermarket for half an hour for a browse at DVDs so it's not as if he desperately needs the time to rest. He often gets bored on his lunch break and doesn't even bother to take it all.

Honestly, I didn't EXPECT him to pop home and get rid of the spider. But it would have been lovely if he did. But I knew he wouldn't.

What I AM supremely fucked off about is when he got home I mentioned to him in passing that his mum told me he had said that he wouldn't be coming home to get rid of it, and that it was probably really small anyway (it wasn't, it was a tarantula!! Sort of). He looked at me like I was insane and was really scornful - why the hell would he want to do that?! I pointed out that it just would have been a nice thing to do because the DC were really upset, he knows I'm shit with spiders and it would have saved us a really stressful afternoon. But I said it was fine, and I hadn't expected him to, it just would have been really lovely if he had. He was so disdainful. He said that there's absolutely no way in hell that he's driving home and back again just to get rid of a spider. No way. The look on his face, the scorn, really hurt my sensitive little feelings.

Because the thing is, if the situations were reversed, I absolutely would. If I had time to spare and he was upset about something, and I could help, why wouldn't I? Especially if it was upsetting the DC too. If he had said "to be honest, I was knackered and didn't want to drive there and back" - I wouldn't have been pissed off. If he said "aaah sorry, didn't even think of doing that!" I wouldn't have been pissed off. I'm pretty easy going. I'm just hurt and upset that he thinks the notion of taking 15 minutes out of his day to help your DP and DC out with something that was really distressing them is ridiculous.

Also, in my opinion, it doesn't matter if what I'm scared of is stupid or not. We're all scared of things that other people think is a bit daft. It's not about whether the phobia is rational or warranted, it's about not wanting your partner/kids to be worried/upset when you could sort things out in just a few minutes.

Just for emphasis, it's only during his lunch break that I would ever think it's reasonable for him to consider it. I'm very aware that if Arogog sprung out during the afternoon it would be ludicrous to expect him to leave work and pop home then. This was ONLY because it occurred before lunch.

I could say more but I'm aware this is really long already. I'm not cross at him not nipping home, but I am cross that he thinks the idea that he might even consider it is preposterous. Apparently taking time out to help your DP who's having a bit of a daft panic isn't something people do.

YABU: I'm a spoilt princess who is disappearing up her own bumhole
YANBU: It's not that weird to care whether your DP is upset and to consider helping them

PS - he can absolutely piss off if he thinks I'm popping to the garage for him late at night again when he wants a Twix but is too knackered to go himself.

OP’s posts: |
Cherryana Tue 27-Jul-21 20:55:53

Sorry Op.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to interrupt his working day for something you could have managed yourselves. No one likes spiders but you could have gone out, got the hoover out and done battle yourself (sorry animal lovers) , put a large bowl over it until he got home, asked your neighbour to help.

You might not like spiders but there were more options than just your husband coming home.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Tue 27-Jul-21 20:58:52

I have asd dc and would do anything to ease their distress, especially if I knew my dp couldnt deal.

gamerchick Tue 27-Jul-21 20:59:24

I'm not voting because it does my head in when the voting buttons are used as a poll.

You're both not unreasonable. He didn't have to come and 'save' you because with a phobia like this that being passed onto the kids. It's your duty to sort it out. Look into desensitising and see if there's somewhere local.

In the meantime, get one of those spider traps on a stick.

But would I hell be going to any garage for a twix again. What's good for the goose.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Tue 27-Jul-21 21:00:01

Oh good point re hoover - didnt think of that.

MichelleScarn Tue 27-Jul-21 21:00:13

It wouldn't just be 15 mins though would it?

MaskingForIt Tue 27-Jul-21 21:00:15

YABU, sometimes you need to woman up and deal with it. Get the vacuum out and condemn it to a dusty death.


MaskingForIt Tue 27-Jul-21 21:01:26

Oh, and for context I am terrified of injections. I’ve still had both covid jabs though, because I’m a grown up and that’s what you do.

ZenNudist Tue 27-Jul-21 21:02:25

I'm arachnophobia but wouldn't expect him to drive 30 mins for that. I was once driving with a daddy long legs in the car and nearly had an accident. So I'm by no means sensible when it comes to spiders.

I do think it's a shame how relationships go. He CBA to help you, you decide to forgo getting him a late night twix. Does he do other thoughtful things?

CaptainThe95thRifles Tue 27-Jul-21 21:03:49

I imagine you're trying to be funny, but the way you're talking about spiders isn't helpful - they don't generally behave in threatening manners and they don't get up to "dastardly tricks". They're just getting on with their own lives. Spiders are a reality of life - you don't have to like them, but it's not helpful for anyone to be so irrational about them, and it's something for which you could seek help.

feelingmehtoday Tue 27-Jul-21 21:04:54

I'm guilty of being a bit high maintenance at times and have to sometimes check myself and reign in my expectations of my DP. But even I would feel unreasonable in this situation.

TSSDNCOP Tue 27-Jul-21 21:05:33

My dad once drove to my flat at 11pm to remove a spider. I was 24. Last year one of the site team had to remove one from my bloody desk!

I can just about hold it together to wallop one with something heavy these days if I am alone. I have had DH train the DC to remove them if they are there, but i cannot share house space with them alone.

You know you're being U, but given he could've come, it was U not to.

SpidersAreShitheads Tue 27-Jul-21 21:06:02

To be fair, I actually didn't think of the hoover! I could possibly have managed that as it's got quite a long nozzle thingy and I wouldn't have to get too close.

A bowl is a no go. I've tried that before - you have to get too close to the beastie. My phobia is really bad.

Neighbours are a no-go - my DS has really high needs and can't cope with people in the house. DD struggles with it too.

I didn't expect him to interrupt his working day - just swing past on his lunch break. The day before he went to the supermarket which is right by our house. So he'll pop out to go there during his lunch break but wouldn't come home? Also, he works from home on some days if he can't be arsed to get out/doesn't have any Zoom calls. I"m not sure why that's relevant but have that info anyway 😅

And also I don't think at all that he SHOULD have come home. I might not have explained this in my waffling post very well. It's more than I'm pissed off that he thinks it's a totally crazy idea that he might even entertain it.

My question is whether it's unreasonable that he might have wondered whether to come and get rid of the spider, not that he absolutely SHOULD have done it.

I am expecting people to side with him. In which case, I feel sorry for DP stuck with such an unreasonable person - sucks to be him 😅

OP’s posts: |
Shakespeare79 Tue 27-Jul-21 21:06:06


Sorry Op.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to interrupt his working day for something you could have managed yourselves. No one likes spiders but you could have gone out, got the hoover out and done battle yourself (sorry animal lovers) , put a large bowl over it until he got home, asked your neighbour to help.

You might not like spiders but there were more options than just your husband coming home.

You can’t put a bowl over a spider that’s on a wall confused

I can’t deal with spiders at all either. It’s not rational but I can’t get near enough to put a bowl over a big one anyway. Just cannot.

DinosaurDiana Tue 27-Jul-21 21:06:49

Get a wireless Dyson. They’re great spider dispatchers.

CorpusCallosum Tue 27-Jul-21 21:07:08


Spiders are evil. DH used to give me all sorts of eye rolling nonsense when I asked him to help. In a calm moment I sat him down and said exactly as you have in your OP, even if he thinks my phobia is silly it is distressing for me and it makes it worse when he makes such a fuss & it was unkind of him to behave like that. He is better now!!

But... in your situation I would have got the hoover out rather than let us ruin our whole day.

OhGiveUp Tue 27-Jul-21 21:08:10

I wouldn't come home for that no.
I'd just laugh and tell him to give it a quick blast of the dog poo freeze spray.
My husband would laugh himself silly if I asked him to come home for that.....all the way from Oman.

Throwntothewolves Tue 27-Jul-21 21:08:34

I taught myself to deal with them so I wouldn't have to cope with them hiding then reappearing when I least expected it, or have to ask to be 'rescued'. But I can only do it if there's no one else in the room, the slightest distraction and it could all go horribly wrong.

I think you were being a bit unreasonable, and I'd recommend trying again to manage your fear to the point that you can get the 8 legged horrors out of your space. It's very liberating when you successfully do so for the first time!

reader12 Tue 27-Jul-21 21:09:14

I think you need to deal with your spider phobia. It’s rubbish to pass your fears onto kids.

30degreesandmeltinghere Tue 27-Jul-21 21:09:41

Spider catcher..
Life changing..
In my ds's experience!!. No more stupid I clock phone calls to save him.
Ds is 17...

SpidersAreShitheads Tue 27-Jul-21 21:09:48


My tone is entirely tongue in cheek. That's just how I am. I use humour to deflect. If you want me to be serious I actually had a little cry to myself in the bathroom because I was annoyed at myself for being so fucking pathetic about being scared of a tiny creature that won't harm me. I hate them being killed, if DP is home, I always insist he catches them and puts them outside.

But enough of the seriousness. Shhh. I don't think anyone else heard it.

OP’s posts: |
sunshineandshowers21 Tue 27-Jul-21 21:10:05

no way would i spend my lunch break driving home to deal with a bloody spider. fair enough being scared of them but you could easily have just left it to its own devices and got on with your day. it’s not like your husband was going to get home to find the spider had eaten his entire family. it’s all very dramatic and it really does sound like your phobia has rubbed off on your children which isn’t great.

gamerchick Tue 27-Jul-21 21:10:13

You're not being unreasonable though OP. Phobias make no sense to people who don't have them to whatever it is.

You do need a mechanism so you can deal with stuff yourself though. Ideas so you don't have to get close to the beasties.

SpidersAreShitheads Tue 27-Jul-21 21:11:28

Sorry just to be clear - it was 15 mins total, there and back, not 15 minutes each way.

I doubt this is going to sway any of you to thinking I'm anything but a spoilt princess, but just in case... 😅

OP’s posts: |
MadMadMadamMim Tue 27-Jul-21 21:11:42

I don't mind spiders. I can pick them up in my hands and carefully carry them outside.

I voted YANBU because I'd have come to save you and I actually think if you are that phobic about something then it's horrid for other people to be dismissive.

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