Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

(407 Posts)
Bri102 Sun 25-Jul-21 09:31:17

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Sun 25-Jul-21 09:36:09

It would be morally wrong of you not to claim maintenance.
This man is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own contraception. So condoms or vasectomy or abstinence. If he chooses to have sex he runs the risk that contraception of whatever kind will fail. That’s the choice he made. Now come the consequences.
Do not feel guilty. Claim via cms. Your child deserves that money.
And sending his mummy to tell you off is manipulative and ridiculous.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Sun 25-Jul-21 09:40:24

He needs to take responsibility. As MIL says if you play the lottery you risk winning.

MarshmallowSwede Sun 25-Jul-21 09:41:57

YANBU

Claim maintenance immediately!

Your sons father and his mother are trash.

What kind of man would choose not to look after his child? And his mother is going along with it.

This is morally reprehensible and no excuse, a man should look after his child. So what he didn’t want the baby. The baby is here and no matter what he needs to help look after the child.

BlueSurfer Sun 25-Jul-21 09:42:43

He needs to take responsibility and pay. His mother’s choices are irrelevant.

ChunkySloth Sun 25-Jul-21 09:44:07

I can see her point, and there's a bit of a common denominator here, isn't there.

Woeismethischristmas Sun 25-Jul-21 09:45:14

Claim maintenance. It’s the right thing to do.

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TheCouncilDontHelp Sun 25-Jul-21 09:47:16

Claim it. He chose to have sex, that was his choice.

Men get the choice up front, he could have a vasectomy if he never wants to have other kids and he should be using condoms if he hasn't.

Longdistance Sun 25-Jul-21 09:47:16

I wouldn’t be seeing his mum either. Claim that CM, he had to pay. I agree that he needs a vasectomy if he doesn’t want anymore kids.

Porcupineintherough Sun 25-Jul-21 09:48:45

Absolutely claim maintenance- and then walk away. I do think he has the right not to parent your son but he damn well needs to pay.

Naunet Sun 25-Jul-21 09:49:20

Oh dear, grown men playing the “I had no choice” card again. 🙄

He’s a grown man, with 2 children already, he knows how babies are made. Just because he couldn’t pressurise you into an abortion, doesn’t mean he gets to walk away now. The law is on your side here.

LadyCatStark Sun 25-Jul-21 09:50:49

Claim the maintenance and no doubt she’ll come crawling back at some point. You can’t really blame her for choosing her own son over yours though to be fair, he’s the shitty one not her.

girlmom21 Sun 25-Jul-21 09:51:03

He knows how babies are made. He knew the risks.

He's a prick trying to make his mom choose.

Why does he have a relationship with the other two kids if he doesn't with this one? Definitely claim maintenance. It's not for you, it's for your babies comfort.

FakeColinCaterpillar Sun 25-Jul-21 09:51:46

He needs a vasectomy if he’s so desperate not to have children.
You didn’t get yourself pregnant did you? Claim the money.

Figgygal Sun 25-Jul-21 09:51:48

Claim it
She must be very proud of having him as a son angry

willowmelangell Sun 25-Jul-21 09:54:13

I would argue that he had 100% opportunity to double up on contraception(he using and you using). Should have with 2 dc already.
He sounds horrible using his mum as a means to blackmail you.
Put in a claim.
He doesn't get to blame you, manipulate everyone and deny your baby's rights.

swanswallow Sun 25-Jul-21 09:56:11

There was a chance when he had sex that this would happen. I would claim the maintenance, definitely. It is the right thing to do by your son in terms of financial security, ignoring for a second, everything else. It doesn't sound like the babys grandmother will be much of a loss in his life anyhow, and ironically, that would be her choice.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sun 25-Jul-21 09:56:35

If he didn’t want another child he should have taken full responsibility for contraception. As it is, he has another child whether or not he acknowledges him. You now owe it to your child to claim through CMS so that your child does not go without. Ignore his mother-am sure she will come round at some point.

TheCraicDealer Sun 25-Jul-21 09:57:14

Do you what's disgusting? Him blackmailing his ma into having a go at you, and using contact with his older DC as the "stick" forcing her to do so. He doesn't give a shit about any of his kids, even the ones he does pay for, if he's so willing to cut out loving relatives over money.

You have a simple choice- either claim CM or don't. Any other ramifications over child contact come from him, and him alone. He can carry the can for anything else. He really is pathetic.

And to be blunt- your son is six months old and won't have any memory of the woman. Better for them to clear off now that keep hanging about until he's old enough to miss her when something else inevitably crops up.

FlowerArranger Sun 25-Jul-21 09:59:17

Jesus wept. Some women are other women's worst enemies.

And when will men realise that, if they have sex without using contraception, there is a real risk of the woman getting pregnant.

And pregnancy comes with responsibility.

His choice whether he wants to be involved in your child's life, but he absolutely has to pay!!

HotPregnantLady Sun 25-Jul-21 10:00:54

I can see her point too. But it’s a bit too late to argue it. Your son deserves a stable upbringing and finances play a huge role in that.

Whoarethewho Sun 25-Jul-21 10:01:33

Claim CMS that is your right. but Men really need proper contraception choices to stop this. They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control. Personally I would only have sex with someone who has the implant and you can feel it before DTD for proof and even then double protect with condoms. And dispose of them appropriately because the contents of that little bag of latex could you you paying out many thousands and potentially taking pay increases in the future.

Outbutnotoutout Sun 25-Jul-21 10:02:34

Rainbowqueeen

It would be morally wrong of you not to claim maintenance.
This man is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own contraception. So condoms or vasectomy or abstinence. If he chooses to have sex he runs the risk that contraception of whatever kind will fail. That’s the choice he made. Now come the consequences.
Do not feel guilty. Claim via cms. Your child deserves that money.
And sending his mummy to tell you off is manipulative and ridiculous.

This is spot on.

Claim it, its for your son

daisypond Sun 25-Jul-21 10:02:36

Absolutely claim child support.

StepAwayFromGoogling Sun 25-Jul-21 10:04:43

ChunkySloth

I can see her point, and there's a bit of a common denominator here, isn't there.

Really?! What is the 'common denominator' pray tell. Do you think all women who get pregnant accidentally should be forced into an abortion if the man decides he doesn't want to be a father?

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