To be honest with him that I was disappointed?

(291 Posts)
honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:19:25

(Not in the U.K. so it's gone midnight where I am)

I've been dating a man for a while and we spent the first overnight together last night. Not, by any means, the first time we'd had sex. But the first time we'd physically slept next to each other.

There was absolutely nothing in the course of the interaction that indicated it was anything but a positive experience on both sides. We left on great terms this morning. All great.

However, I've not heard from him since. Very unusual as we usually keep in touch a lot.

Both of us were busy today but he's gone to play golf with a friend, so when we parted ways this morning, I said 'enjoy golf, let me know whether you win!'.

It's so trivial and possible insignificant but also very very unsettling to have not heard a thing. We've certainly not gone a day without talking before in the 3 months we've known each other.

I'd like to communicate to him that I felt this was a bit disappointing after spending the night together. I am not looking to tell him off, rather just to tell him honestly that it felt a bit disappointing/unsettling after spending the night together.

My logic is that either he has gone off me, in which case whether I say it or not is irrelevant (and may open the door for him to be honest) or he simply didn't realise it was important, in which case raising it should surely be part of good communication about my expectations.

And, of course, the obvious thing is that I've not contacted him either. However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc. Similarly, I did leave him on the 'let me know how your golf game goes!' note, which I felt opened the door for him to contact me if he wanted to.

My gawd I really hate dating sometimes!!!

OP’s posts: |
Sillawithans Sat 24-Jul-21 16:21:04

Say nothing!

Calvinlookingforhobbes Sat 24-Jul-21 16:21:11

I’d say calm down and wait to see if he forgot his phone/battery died etc. Golf takes 4 hours and if they’re eating afterwards. He might have been polite and left his phone in the car.

honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:21:29

Sillawithans

Say nothing!


Why? Would love to understand why you recommend that!

OP’s posts: |
honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:21:58

Calvinlookingforhobbes

I’d say calm down and wait to see if he forgot his phone/battery died etc. Golf takes 4 hours and if they’re eating afterwards. He might have been polite and left his phone in the car.


He went to golf at 11am. It's 12:30am now!

OP’s posts: |
Calvinlookingforhobbes Sat 24-Jul-21 16:23:02

Just give it time and seen how he responds. Don’t be needy but also don’t be treated badly. Give it space to see what transpires

Morph2lcfc Sat 24-Jul-21 16:23:20

Have you contacted him at all? Maybe he’s wondering why no contact from you

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ForeverSausages Sat 24-Jul-21 16:23:50

I don't know why you haven't messaged him? Why is it that he's expected to message first? A simple message of how was your day? Or hope you had a good day! Night. Maybe he's thinking the same as you wink.

Hankunamatata Sat 24-Jul-21 16:25:39

Just send him text saying night

honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:26:00

ForeverSausages

I don't know why you haven't messaged him? Why is it that he's expected to message first? A simple message of how was your day? Or hope you had a good day! Night. Maybe he's thinking the same as you wink.


This is good advice. Maybe I ought to just do that. I think I'm so conditioned by these silly stereotypes of not being a needy woman!

OP’s posts: |
Spacehairdresserandthecowboy Sat 24-Jul-21 16:26:44

I think it’s a bit off to not message him something “usual” and then go in with a “I’m disappointed you haven’t text me” message.

honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:27:51

Spacehairdresserandthecowboy

I think it’s a bit off to not message him something “usual” and then go in with a “I’m disappointed you haven’t text me” message.


Oh gosh, I should've clarified...I don't plan to open the conversation with that! I'm just wondering whether to raise it at all.

OP’s posts: |
Phoebesgift Sat 24-Jul-21 16:28:05

So you last saw him this morning and you're freaking out cos you haven't heard from him yet. Have I got that right?
That level of neediness in a man would turn me right off him.
Chill the fuck out!

Thingsthatgo Sat 24-Jul-21 16:28:16

YABVU. Women that wait for men to phone them/text them/propose to them are just push equality back and I am so disappointed that people can’t see that.

Essentialironingwater Sat 24-Jul-21 16:28:47

He will think you are batshit if you say you're disappointed when from his perspective you've also ignored him all day!!

LtDansleg Sat 24-Jul-21 16:31:10

You’ve only just seen him op. Give him a chance!

Smartiepants79 Sat 24-Jul-21 16:32:13

So you haven’t contacted him all day? But your disappointed in him for doing the same thing?? confused
You want to talk to him, send him a message. Problem solved! Poor bloke.

ForeverSausages Sat 24-Jul-21 16:32:57

I think a lot of us women have been conditioned (by men) into thinking like that. If you want to message, message. If you want to send 2 messages, or even 5, in a row because you saw something funny or thought of him, that's fine. Honestly if you want to send him a message saying "last night was awesome! Missed you today" THAT'S FINE. Stop thinking and message him wink.

Sillawithans Sat 24-Jul-21 16:33:03

Because it will make you look nuts!

Pingued Sat 24-Jul-21 16:33:58

Maybe he is worried you've gone off him so waiting for you to message?

girlmom21 Sat 24-Jul-21 16:35:31

It's been 12 hours since you saw him and he's spent the day with a friend.

Say "I hope you had a good time playing golf. Goodnight xxx"

Easy.

honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:36:25

Thanks all! I love a good mumsnet head wobble when the self doubt creeps in. I promise I am a fairly logical person usually and would've told any of my friends the same advice you all gave me.

OP’s posts: |
SirGawain Sat 24-Jul-21 16:44:17

However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc.

More Mumsnet one-sided sexism

honestjon Sat 24-Jul-21 16:51:16

SirGawain

*However, I feel like as women there's an expectation to wait for a man to come to you, so it doesn't seem needy etc.*

More Mumsnet one-sided sexism


The whole point of the comment is that it is exactly that...an expectation. It shouldn't be but society does condition women to feel like that, sadly.

OP’s posts: |
AintPageantMaterial Sat 24-Jul-21 16:58:48

I think that, if you want to discuss feeling ‘disappointed’ or awkward, you should do it in person next time you are together. Tone of voice is everything when trying to communicate this type of thing. The word ‘disappointed’ is incredibly loaded and can be taken in different ways. He might think you are disappointed in him when you are trying to convey that you are feeling a bit unsettled.
He could read your message, feel criticised and have decided that he is hurt or angry with you when that is not the case and because you aren’t there in person you have no opportunity to immediately clarify. Messaging is useless for these sorts of nuanced chats and is likely to cause more problems than it solves.

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