AIBU to be upset about holiday?

(160 Posts)
AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies Fri 25-Jun-21 11:00:17

Apologies in advance as this might be a bit of a long one.

My DDad passed away 10 years ago, and we scattered his ashes in his favourite holiday place. It's a long way from where we live and you can't just go for a day, and every time I see my Mum we always talk about how lovely it would be to go on a holiday there with the whole family (I have 2x siblings).

We were all in DM's garden a couple of weeks ago and she said that they (my mum and siblings and their partners) were planning to go on holiday there next May, and asked me and DH if we wanted to go, and we said yes we'd love to. I was really happy about it because I would love to do a family holiday again, the last time we did one was when we went to scatter the ashes in the first place.

We chatted about it for about 20 minutes and then DM said that her friend Diane and her family were going too. This is a problem to us because DH won't spend any time with Diane at all. She has been really horrible to my Mum over the years and they've had some nasty falling outs which have devsatated my Mum. They used to be really close and go to this place on holiday together every year, my siblings are the same age as her children and DDad was close with her DH. After the most recent falling out they have got back to being friends but haven't been on holiday together since, not since DDad died. DH really hates her and so he doesn't want us to go on this holiday now. I don't like her either but I am of the opinion that it's up to my Mum who she is friends with, but I wouldn't want to go either with Diane going as it would make an awkward situation for everyone.

But the thing is, I'm really upset about it. DH won't go there another time just us as he's not that fussed about the place itself. I feel an attachment to it because it's somewhere my Dad loved and I have happy memories of being there with him and I would have loved for us all to go back to mark the ten years since we were there last. I'm hurt that they've planned a holiday together, that they know excludes me, when me and my Mum literally talk about it all the time about how much we would love to all go there together again. I also feel a bit used in a way as my Mum generally doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with since DDad died, so we have taken and paid for her to go away with us, and we are taking her with us on holiday at Christmas (Covid allowing of course).

AIBU to be upset by this, and if so how should I handle it? I don't know if I should tell them I'm upset or if I just need to get over it. I can be a bit of a doormat about things sometimes and hate the idea of making people upset, or people changing their plans to accomodate me but it's been really bothering me and I can't seem to let go of it.

OP’s posts: |
hopeishere Fri 25-Jun-21 11:07:18

Does your mum know you don't like Diane? What do you other siblings think?

Foobydoo Fri 25-Jun-21 11:09:00

I understand how upsetting this must be but it is DH that is the problem. He needs to grit his teeth to support you in something this important.
If he cannot do that why don't you go without him?

Mumdiva99 Fri 25-Jun-21 11:11:20

Leave your DH at home - maybe he can't get the time of work or something. And you go with your family and have a lovely time.

Gullible2021 Fri 25-Jun-21 11:11:34

If he can't be an adult and put his wife first, then he needs to stay home and let you go
without him obviously.

MoreAloneTime Fri 25-Jun-21 11:12:16

What's actually happened? Normally I'd expect your DH to be fairly removed from a woman who is friends with his MIL. Could DH stay behind?

itsamegladon Fri 25-Jun-21 11:12:56

They haven't planned it to exclude you.
Your mum must not see the negativism relationship with this woman.

I get it
We did the same as you - scattered ashes at a favourite holiday place. My family went with another family also. It hold very special memories and my kids love it. My DH doesn't have the same attachment BUT he knows it means the world to me so makes the effort.

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NeedNewKnees Fri 25-Jun-21 11:13:42

What’s it got to do with your husband whether your Mum’s friend is nice to your Mum or not? Is your DM aware they don’t get on?

Your DM has every right to go on holiday with whomever she chooses, just as you have every right to say “no thanks.” So be honest with her, that while you are happy with the plan as a family holiday, going with Diane doesn’t work for you.

SummerInSun Fri 25-Jun-21 11:14:27

It's a shame that it's not just a holiday for the family and that a friend has been invited. But ultimately it's your mother's trip and she can invite whoever she wants. I'm with the other PP. sounds like you should go and DH stay home. Say he doesn't have enough annual leave or something like that, no need to make it awkward. It sounds like you will be really upset to miss this trip.

flowery Fri 25-Jun-21 11:15:39

I understand you're disappointed Diane has been included, but I'm not sure why you feel they've planned something that excludes you - you were specifically invited?

Also, why do you now feel 'used' about the holidays you took Mum on, if you presumably didn't before? How is that related?

It's surely unusual for your DH to have such involvement with a friend of your Mum's, but if he feels so strongly perhaps he should stay home.

DeathStare Fri 25-Jun-21 11:17:42

Will Diane be nasty or difficult on the holiday or is it just that your DH bares a grudge because of her previous arguments with your mum? If it's the latter your DH needs to get over himself and you all go on holiday with the family. If it's the former then he needs to prioritise having a separate trip to this place.

Justcallmebebes Fri 25-Jun-21 11:20:46

I agree. Your DH needs to suck it up and support you. What's your mum's friendship dramas got to do with him anyway? I think he's using Diane as an excuse not to go and to stop you from going too.

If he feels that strongly can't he stay at home and sulk?

AnUnoriginalUsername Fri 25-Jun-21 11:21:10

I do think it's shitty that your mum has planned a holiday that you've said you want to go on with other people. But then, if you've just been talking about it and your sibling has also talked about it but actually said "great, let's book it." Then I get it.

The Diane thing is your DH problem though I think. My husband hates my mums husband (so do I) but would never say no to something like this because of that. He'd suck it up and support me.

Sirzy Fri 25-Jun-21 11:22:41

In what way have they planned it to exclude you?

It sounds like Diane and her family where also close to your Dad and your mum thinks it will be nice for them to be part of it. Can you not put your differences aside for a few days?

AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies Fri 25-Jun-21 11:25:34

They knew we wouldn't go. I don't even know why my Mum asked me, DH has made his feelings about Diane very clear in the past and we've not gone to other things that Diane has gone to, such as like parties etc. They knew without doubt that we wouldn't go if Diane was going.

OP’s posts: |
Didiusfalco Fri 25-Jun-21 11:28:47

This is so weird that your dh is so invested in your mothers friendships. Why?

MrsCroc Fri 25-Jun-21 11:29:49

It's not a holiday that excludes you.

Your DH is choosing not to go. He is the problem here.

Why can't you go and leave him at home?

Gullible2021 Fri 25-Jun-21 11:31:00

AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies

They knew we wouldn't go. I don't even know why my Mum asked me, DH has made his feelings about Diane very clear in the past and we've not gone to other things that Diane has gone to, such as like parties etc. They knew without doubt that we wouldn't go if Diane was going.

But why does your DH have to go at all? Why can't you go without him? You are separate people...

MoreAloneTime Fri 25-Jun-21 11:33:15

Is your DH like this about anyone else in your life? Is it a control thing?

StarryStarrySocks Fri 25-Jun-21 11:34:18

If nothing's booked yet then nobody is definitely going. Can you chat to your mum again and emphasise that you'd like this to be a holiday for family only?

Spidey66 Fri 25-Jun-21 11:35:00

Either your husband sucks it up or stays home.

Surely as it's such a big group you won't be spending every waking moment with her anyway? It's hardly as if, what 12-15 people will be sitting down every meal time or going on every day trip together? You may even be staying in separate accommodation and unless you're going by train will be going in different cars.

Hoppinggreen Fri 25-Jun-21 11:35:01

Didiusfalco

This is so weird that your dh is so invested in your mothers friendships. Why?

Yes, Diane might be a cow but it’s none of your DH business as long as she’s not a cow to him.
He doesn’t have to like or even speak to her beyond basics but it’s not really a good excuse not to go.
Unfortunately you can’t be outraged on someone else’s behalf

AnyaDoesntLikeBunnies Fri 25-Jun-21 11:35:04

@AnUnoriginalUsername it's normally been my siblings dragging their feet about it when it's been brought up about going before, I don't know why they've committed to it this time unless it's because it's kind of an anniversary, it's been 10 years.

OP’s posts: |
Lipz Fri 25-Jun-21 11:41:30

This is the place you're father's ashes are scattered, it is important that you go. You haven't been, since scattering them and you are only going to feel guilt if they all go and you don't.

You can arrange a family gathering while there, just you, your mum and siblings, say a few words, reminisce, raise a glass. Everyone else can give you all a couple of hours to do this.

If your dh is adamant that he doesn't want to go then he can stay home. This is about your Father.

Tbf I hated my parents friend, she was the ultimate bitch, the hairs stood up on the back of my neck when I seen her, but I just smiled and got on with it, she was my parents friend. My inlaws have arsey friend couple, again I just smile, there's no point cutting your nose off despite your face, you don't have to be best friend's with her. At least by being there you can keep an eye on things and make sure your mum is OK.

AdelindSchade Fri 25-Jun-21 11:41:42

Sounds like a bit of a recipe for disaster to be honest - holiday with people who do regular falling out. No thanks. You might be better of out of it but make sure you go another time.

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